If there was any way I could summarize 2017 as a whole, I would say it was a year of hellos and goodbyes -- some that left a sting and heartbreak and sadness, while others brought infinite amounts of joy and healing and fun. 2017 was a year that truly tested my limits -- physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. It was a year of stretching me thin, wearing me out, many, many question marks, doubting, and hurting.

At the end of 2016, I made the bold decision to fight for what I wanted. I knew what the Lord wanted me to do and it took so much in me to obey His call in the midst of the loudest clamor of chaos. I graduated college in May 2016 and went on my third week-long trip to Honduras in June. There was this calming assurance and peace telling me that I would be back. I usually cry once the plane is off of Honduran soil, but that time, flying back to Kentucky, I wasn't afraid. There was a certain confidence that carried me into a time of desire but patience of returning to a country that has time and time again stolen my heart since 2014. It felt as though people were screaming lies at me, exclaiming this was the worst decision I could ever make.

"But you have to get a job!!"

"Casey, you have to grow up sometime."

"How are you going to pay for it?"

"You need a plan for when you get back."

But there was not a sliver of doubt in my mind that this was it. I knew this 4 month internship in Honduras was made for me. Teaching experience, Spanish, investing in high-school aged kids, planning Young Life-similar events, Honduras. It was everything I had ever wanted up for grabs. I told myself no for so long. I listened to the lies. I believed that I was just "putting off growing up" like everyone had thought. I was afraid of what people would think. And it seemed as though the exhausting effort put into the job search for the 6 months straight out of college, the interviews, the confusion, the babysitting, the dogsitting, the job working in retail was worth it and all of the sudden made sense. When I chose to listen to the One who knew my heart best and shake fear off my resume, I felt free. I was pursuing something I knew I was gifted for and passionate about. 

But this new decision, this new "hello" meant a sad and hard "goodbye" to many things. I stopped leading Young Life after 4 years -- a community that I have also been apart for 8, I would miss my niece being born, my family, my friends, helping my best friend plan her wedding, attending weddings, people were moving, etc. There was a pile of sacrifice that sometimes didn't feel worth it to say yes, but I continued to because:

"And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life." - Matthew 19:29

I was leaving all of this behind. I was saying "goodbye" to everything certain. Every label I defined myself as, for the most part, wouldn't be true anymore. I wasn't a student anymore. I wasn't a Tate's Creek High School Young Life leader. I wasn't a nanny. I wasn't an employee. I felt like I wasn't a friend, daughter, sister, or aunt because 4 months of my life would be spent away from my family and friends. I knew when I signed up for this, 2017 would include a lot of change. But that doesn't even come close to describing it.

February 2017, I said goodbye to Lexington, to Kentucky, to the United States and said hello to Honduras, to Comayagua, to a barrio named Lo de Reina. For 4 months, this became my home. I said hello to 100+ Honduran high schoolers and opened my heart to the possibility of heartbreak. I shared my life with these kids. I found my life getting lost in a passion for them, for justice, for education, for Spanish, and for Jesus. Every single day I learned something new. Every single day I was exhausted. But every single day was worthwhile and wonderful and fun because of the fullness and grace given each day. I wanted to leave Honduras "agotada" in a good way. I wanted to leave there "worn out", having used every last ounce of energy, time, love, and talent I had left. I wanted to be a good steward of everything I could give because God allowed something to happen that seemed utterly impossible when I was lost in a desert of uncertainty. And I truly think I did just that. I left Honduras on June 10th, 2017. The people that welcomed me into 2017 with a giant "HELLO" were the same people I had to say "GOODBYE" to. It was one of the greatest heartbreaks I have experienced. And once again, this exchange of hellos and goodbyes continued. I returned to my family and friends in the States with a "HELLO", but I wasn't the same Casey I was 4 months before. I was different. I was new. I was heartbroken and whole all at once. But I was terrified.

I was terrified coming home because that uncertainty I left in Kentucky in February was still there in June when I returned. I still didn't have a job. I still wasn't leading. I still wasn't a college student. I had no community, many of my friends (at least 10) were getting married and moving far away, and I was confused. But in the darkness, the uncertainty, the Lord whispered over me:

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. The wild animals honor me the jackals and the owls, because I provide water in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland, to give drink to my people, my chosen, the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise." - Isaiah 43:18-21

My God had me covered. In paralyzing fear, He gave me assurance. In the unknown, He knew. He was the only sure thing I could count on. He was the stability, the security, the safety for the spontaneous, risk-addicted, teeter-totter of a girl that I am. But I craved everything He was. And He showed up.

When I was afraid of not having a nannying job (or income for that matter), He sent a sweet family who asked me to babysit again for the entire summer.

When I was afraid I wouldn't find a "real" job after nannying ended, I got a call for an interview after 2.5 months of waiting.

When I was afraid I wouldn't work somewhere where I could love on kids, get teaching experience, and speak Spanish everyday, He brought a job offer from the most incredible bilingual school.

When I was afraid of what this school year would bring, He brought 52 more little "HELLOS" and co-workers that I simply couldn't see eye-to-eye with more that also welcomed me in with the sweetest, kindest "HELLO" in August.

When I was afraid I wouldn't find a new community or make new friends, He provided a large group of individuals from TND (Thursday Night Dinner) and MNV (Monday Night Volleyball) groups through my church in the same stages of life as me, eager to make a friend, too. They, too, greeted me with a "HELLO". And they continue to.

When I was afraid I wouldn't meet others with similar interests that I could connect with, He graciously gave me (and surprised me!) with diverse, fun, passionate friends who are teachers, speak Spanish, love volleyball, care about overseas missions, and love the Lord.

When I was afraid I would never have fun or have a hobby, He had friends invite me onto a volleyball team.

When I was afraid of dating and letting others know all the parts of me, He gave me the courage to not run away from being loved, being myself, and being known. And when it didn't work out, I did my best to do it lovingly and gracefully and honestly. And I did it with no regrets.

When I was afraid the hurt and pain from others' continuous careless words or silence or unrequited desire to resolve conflict would cripple me with frustration forever, He brought a fresh spirit and allowed me to cut those people out of my life and see that I deserve better.

When I was afraid of having hard conversations, I stood up for myself and my heart and said goodbye to people who juggled my heart around and never cared to give it back and own up to their destruction or apologize. I did it with shaking hands and a trembling voice, but I did it.

When I was afraid my brother and his husband wouldn't find a family to adopt from, He breathed  Pearson Ellory Coyle-Smith into life and brought her into our family.

When I was afraid my sister and her husband would have pregnancy complications because she was high-risk, He watched over sweet, perfectly healthy Ella Ruth Marshall.

When I was afraid of the newness of my dad dating since losing my mom, He reminded me of the grace He never withholds from me and challenged me to give new people a chance, no matter how much it hurts and feels like you're replacing an irreplaceable person.

In 2017, I learned to dance on disappointment. I learned how to forgive and give new, uncomfortable things a chance and let people love me. I learned how to fight back against my longing to run from being known. I learned to teach, to love, to be quiet, to be vulnerable, to be teachable, to trust, to scream back "NO!!!!" to the lies that entangle me and keep me awake at night, to stand up for myself, my beliefs, what I want, and to take ownership of my dreams. I learned to be unapologetically me. I learned to be proud of me. I learned how to take initiative and say "hello" to new faces and how to say "goodbye" to things or people who are bullies, who hurt you, and who play games with your heart.

I learned how to be Casey. I used to walk around on stilts to stand tall, but I was faking my height, I was insecure and putting on a show.

But I have jumped down from those stilts in fear of showing who I really am, but knowing it will be worth it.

I learned how to be Casey. The Casey who still stands tall at 5'4".

The Casey who is fierce and strong and sassy and talented and ridiculously hilarious and confident and brave and bruised and emotional and has potential to keep growing. The Casey that is compassionate, vulnerable, honest, welcoming, a great dancer, adaptive, spicy, spunky, overly-caffeinated, adventurous, and, as my new friends like to label me, "pumpkin spiced". I know what I want. I'm sure of it. I won't be swayed. I won't let someone tell me otherwise, but I will be open to criticism, because I am Casey, a human.

In 2018, I will fall down, stand back up. I will love and be heartbroken. I will see God work in the impossible over and over and over again. I will never stop being me, but I will change -- in some ways for the better, and some ways for worse. But man, am I so grateful for a Savior that still sees the worst and thinks the world of us. He still sees the deepest parts of me and all the filth, but despite it all, grants me grace -- a second, third, infinite chance to live. And not just "survive", but really, fully LIVE and ENJOY all that this world has to offer.

In 2017 I said "hello" and "goodbye". I hope to warmly welcome 2018 with a "hello" the way all of the new faces of 2017 did to me. Because despite all of the despair of the "goodbyes", there is the hope of a "hello" on the horizon. A new opportunity, a new face, a new relationship, a new job, a new season to come. I am ready. I'm moving forward.


My anthem for 2018: Moving Forward, by Colony House -- give it a listen.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMioT5A-5xM

Anhelar // Month 3: April to May

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 anhelar: to long for; to yearn for; to desire; to crave; to be eager for ||

 

"Casey at the Bat" is officially "rounding third and heading for home". But in no way, shape, or form is this exciting like hitting a grand slam is. This is sad and it's hard because the end is so, so near. I think I put off writing this newsletter this time because I know I have a lot of processing to come. The next newsletter will be written when I'm back in the States. There is so much of me that wants to avoid the fact that in a mere 23 days I will be back "home" in Kentucky. I put quotation marks around home because I feel like I have two homes now. Two homes that welcome me in like I belong. Two homes where I feel equally comfortable. But no matter where I am, I miss the other. And I think it will always be like that, which sound brutal and miserable to forever be missing another place, but I truly wouldn't have it any other way. I've never felt like I fit in a place so well where it is so blatantly obvious that I stand out and am different, but I do. For that, I am grateful. My skin is the whitest of white. I get looked at as if I have a drawing of a potato on my forehead. Whether I am with other gringos or with Hondurans, some people will only talk to me in English, even if I respond in Spanish each time. I feel sad because I have under 1 month left here, but I don't feel scared one bit. I have this gut feeling. I have this deep, assuring promise in me that one day I'll be back. And it will be for good. The word "anhelar" means to long for, to yearn for, to desire, to crave, to be eager for. It's noun, "anhelo" means "deseo intenso o vehemente de una cosa", or "intense or passionate  or fiery desire of something". The more and more I am here, I am seeing this "fiery desire", this "anhelo" igniting in me. There is just something here that makes sense.

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This past month has been one for the books. I have had so many fun opportunities to really dive deep into the culture here and start being independent in living. My challenge this month was to "aprovechar" or "take advantage of" the time I have here. My biggest fear is that I won't seize the time I have here and use it up. I don't want to only be here to work in the Learning Center. I want to chase after so much more than that. The Young Life leader in me cannot function without getting to know the deep, real stories of people. I have middle school and high school-aged students, just like I did when I led Young Life. My role and duty as the intern at El Ayudante is to serve as a tutor in the Learning Center. But who I am is so much more than that. Being a tutor on campus is just a vehicle -- a catalyst -- to growing deep relationships here. I don't want to only be in the Learning Center from 8-4 everyday and then leave to stay in my apartment for the rest of the night. I don't want to check out for the rest of the day saying, "Phew! I've served my time today! I'm done!". No, I want to be PRESENT. I want to do the most I can to show my students, their families, and the rest of this community that I am above all a FRIEND. Yes, I absolutely pray that these students are learning and improving in school, but what I care about way more is that that these people that I get the privilege of working with know and come to understand that they are LOVED, and CARED FOR, and WORTHY. That they have a Father, a Savior who desires for them to "acercarse", or "draw near" to His everlasting love. I love teaching. I love this age group. But what my "anhelo" is for these students and what my "anhelo" is for my time here is to be a vessel for sharing the Gospel -- the mystery of the God of all coming to Earth in human form as a baby to, in His loving-kindness, create a way out of the destiny we deserve for our sin in Hell, but give us Eternal Life with Himself. More than anything, I want my words, actions, and how I carry myself to reflect the undeserved love and grace of my beloved Jesus.

Because of challenging myself in this way, this month has been full of fun, new experiences, which I love because it helps me understand the Honduran culture so much more. I have gotten to go to a "guayaba" (also known as "guava") farm and pick them straight off the tree and learn about how they're grown with one of my great friends, Cynthia, and her family. It is so interesting to me because honestly, I am clueless half the time about how the things I'm eating are grown. Later on this month, I also went to a different town about 2 hours away called Peña Blanca with Cynthia and her two sweet daughters to see the famous waterfalls Cataratas Pulhapanzak for a day and then stay the night with her friends Karen and Noe. Noe owns a coffee farm and sells it to a local coffee shop called El Dorao. We got to go to the coffee shop and he explained the entire process of "cosechando" or "harvesting" coffee. As a coffee fanatic, this amazed me. There is so much that goes into it and a lot of times we don't realize the stories of the people that are picking and exporting the things we eat and the coffee we drink. I appreciated Noe's willingness to share and explain his job to me, because I can be so oblivious. That weekend included beautiful waterfalls, fun bus rides, meeting new friends, learning about and drinking ALL the coffee (what's new? haha!), eating baleadas, and spending quality time with people I love. I am so thankful to have friends here that are willing to show me why they love their country because it makes me fall in love with Honduras that much more.

 
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Another fun thing that I got to be here for was Easter, but even more so, Semana Santa, or Holy Week. This is something I have only dreamed of being here for, truly. Semana Santa is taken seriously in Honduras. Schools are closed for the entire week! Comayagua is known for their "alfombras", or beautiful, sawdust carpets, designed with such craftsmanship. I was giddy at the fact that I got to be in Comayagua for it!! A few of the girls at El Ayudante spent the night with two other missionaries, Sara and Kaedyn, and went to see the alfombras together. There were SO MANY as well as fun foods and a processional that walks through all of the carpets. I am so thankful to have gotten to experience this because it was a deeper glimpse into the culture of Honduras and showed the creativity of Comayagua! It was INCREDIBLE. I also got to see my Young Life Honduras friends!!

The rest of Holy Week was spent organizing the Learning Center, spending time with friends from the community, swimming, and lots of fun dinners with the El Ayudante staff. Corey-Ann and I even had a fun sleepover/movie party with all the kids on campus!! It is truly a blessing to get to act like I'm a part of the staff for 4 months as well as be welcomed in like I am. These people truly are some of the greatest. One day we took part in an all-staff day! The campus was closed down for the day and we got to go to a National Park called Parque Aurora about 1 hour away. It was a day full of team-building activities, talking about our vision for El Ayudante, and simply spending good, quality time together swimming, hiking, canoeing, and playing soccer. It was such a fun day getting to know the people I work side-by-side with a little bit better. 

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This month I got to FINALLY visit my good friend Laura Baxter who lives just about an hour away. It was really special, though, because Laura is from Lexington, Kentucky as well and now lives in Tegucigalpa, Honduras. It is so relieving spending time with someone who understands my heart for Honduras, what Kentucky is like, and also LOVES COFFEE. :) We spent the day in a city about 1 hour away from her called Valle de Angeles. This city was by far one of my favorites. It is full of art, color, coffee shops, and has so much character. 

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The rest of my time here has been hanging out with teams while they're here. It is not "team season" yet, but there have been a few teams here during my time here. When I'm not in the Learning Center, I love getting to hang out and get to know the teams and help out where I can. That includes pitching in a hand with Family Nights, VBS nights, etc. Which, as you can see, I really don't mind at all :)

          

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The Learning Center continues to grow and grow. It is so exciting seeing the students come to love this place. We recently started a new structure to the tutoring program which includes 30 minute intervals of math, typing, a unit study (this month is geography), and bible. Josue and I have taken turns giving the bible lesson each week. For the month of May, we are currently sharing about Creation, Sin, who Jesus was/what He did, the Cross, and Resurrection. Each week we will give the same lessons to each grade. This structure has seemed to work out so much better and has really allowed us to prepare accordingly and educate well. We are also currently working on teaching them how to use computers. Many of these students have never really used computers before, so they have no idea how to do a Google search, write something on a Word document, or even copy and paste. We have been working with them to understand the basics, so they can become more independent in their work. Right now, it can be tough because if students have homework to find on the computer but they don't know how to use a computer, they are dependent on Josue and I for help. But it is such a good reminder that the reason these students have a million questions is because now there a resources available to them. I pray I never get annoyed with their questions, because the fact that they are willing to asks questions and want to learn says SO MUCH. I love seeing them be amazed with what a computer can do. That is something we truly take for granted. It is so fun getting to let the teacher inside me find creative ways to teach them. I have loved getting to know these students on a deeper level and getting to know their stories. They are so special to me and I don't even want to think about leaving in 3 weeks...

             

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As my time here starts to dwindle away, I ask for prayer. I need to recognize and not ignore that I only have 3 more weeks left so that I will take advantage of the time, but also because I don't want to be sad while I'm here, constantly thinking about and worrying about if I'm using my time wisely or not. It has been such a blessing to be here for such a stable, consecutive amount of time. The Lord has brought so much clarity, guidance, discernment, and direction about the path He wants me to go. And all of this has been made possible through your love, prayers, and financial support. The fact that I wouldn't get to do this, to be here, without your help makes me remember why I'm here every time I want to complain. I am here because I have a crew behind me who believes in this. You all have done the impossible. Thank you for always being concerned, always checking in, and investing in the lives of students in Comayagua through being a part of my life in this way. I could never thank you enough.

The Lord has richly blessed my time here thus far and I am hoping for that even more so in my final month here. I will never understand it, but I fit in so well in a place where I stick out so much. The people are welcoming and warm and want to get to know you. They aren't in a rush and that makes all the difference. My "anhelo" is to live here full-time in the near future. But I know He directs my steps. All I must do is obey. And how could I not love and obey a God that has brought me thus far? Overflowing gratitude because I serve a Lord who allows me to enjoy serving. I get to benefit from bringing Him glory. Let's never forget how much grace He has to give. It's not that we HAVE to serve Him, it's that we GET to serve Him.

     

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Lord, thank You for allowing me to be a part of something that seems so small, but is of great worth because it involves loving your children. Thank you for bestowing that worthiness upon us, even when we least deserve it. Thank you for calling me to a place and so intricately writing this story for me. Thank you for opportunities and timing. Thank you that you have the best hindsight I could have ever asked for. Thank you for people who have come in my life and have fallen in love with this mission too because they have seen how you have lit a spark in me for it. Thank you for giving me gifts and a place to use them where I just feel like it makes sense. I pray that you may use the last of my energy for your glory. I pray to be a vessel. I pray to be a light. I pray to be a catalyst of bringing your word, your mercy, and your redemption. I pray to be used to bring Heaven to Earth. I love you and I thank you that despite my sin, you still unconditionally love us and call us to be a part of your team. Thank you for the Learning Center -- a safe, beautiful place -- that so perfect displays what you  have for these students -- Heaven: the finest of things because You have made us WORTHY. Continue to use this place and may we seek after you before making any decision.

Amen.

PRAYER REQUESTS

That I wouldn't get nervous about diving deep with people simply because I only have 3 weeks left.

That the Lord would bring the necessary help to the Learning Center to appropriately accommodate the help the students need.

That I would be blind to the distractions I have and the Lord would show me how to focus on the things He wants.

For the students that may be taken out of the Scholarship Program for not meeting requirements -- that they would still take ownership of their education and faith.

For Heydi & Leybi -- students that will no longer be continuing in the scholarship program for unique situations -- that healing would be brought to the family.

For safe travels for my team when they come (June 4th-June 10th)

To finish well and leave the Learning Center prepared for the next intern, not in a mess for them to fend for themselves.

e n c a j a r // Honduras 2017 Month 2: March to April

Encajar // Month 2: March to April

|| e n c a j a r : to fit; to fit in; to belong ||

DISCLAIMER: I GOT A LOT TO SAY. SORRY 'BOUT IT.

I have officially lived in Honduras for 60 days now and I am now officially halfway through my internship here and I am now officially a "llorona", also known as a crybaby, but what's new? Truly, I cannot fathom how two months has already passed. I've never been away from home for more than 3 weeks, and here I am at week 8.5 in a different country feeling like this is home. Tears come to my eyes as I write that. But this is my "hogar" or "home", my "ambiente" or "environment", or like what my tattoo says, my "querencia" or "a place where you are your most authentic self". Honduras has taken up a huge space in my heart the past four years, but sometimes I wonder if I'm actually hurting my heart because leaving after four months as compared to just a week-long trip is probably going to KILL me. Haha -- it's like I brought this pain upon myself. But that's the risk of falling in love with anything -- it's going to hurt sometimes and be hard, but MAN are our lives so much more full of joy because we have the ability to fall head over heels in love with people, passions, and things. We get to enjoy this life rather than being numb to it and being completely incapable of loving. One of my favorite quotes says this: 

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." - C.S. Lewis

One of the biggest things I try to stay wary of while traveling is that I'm not doing it for selfish gain. I want to get involved and be engaged in the culture. I want to absorb the world around me and walk with my eyes wide open. I wrote on an instagram post recently before coming here, "I don't want to travel the world to simply see things. I never want to come back from a place unchanged. I want my heart to break, swell, heal, melt, and grow over and over and over again with each place I set foot. I don't want to get on an airplane or drive somewhere just to take a picture, post it, and check it off my list to say, "I've seen this, this, and this" while waiting for a number of likes to roll in to make others jealous and for my own popularity. I never want to go to a place and not bring it back home with me. I want to remember faces, names, conversations, experiences, food, smells, feelings, heartbreak, everything for that place. I want it to change me and let me see how intrinsic the beauty of the world is and the details God put into everything He created. I want my perspective to always be open to more so there's more room for compassion and understanding to grow in me. I don't want to walk around thinking my way is always the right way. The day I become numb to the need of this world is the day I stop traveling. Enjoying your time and seeing fun things is a benefit -- the fact that God allows us to do that is insane -- but don't hold back from getting lost, interested, enamored with a culture, whether that's in the States or abroad, because it can happen in your backyard or across the world. Let it take your breath away."

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I chose this word -- "encajar" -- as the title of this blog post because I feel as though I have really started to get comfortable and the people here have made me feel like I "fit in", like I am one of them, like I "belong" here. That's what I love about this culture. We call it "calida y acogedor" or "warm and welcoming". My personality is so focused on the people-pleasing type of fitting in, but I feel like I "encajar" in a way where I am accepted and loved right where I am. I don't have to change Casey to be liked. There isn't an expectation beforehand, you just get to BE. And that is exactly what I needed. I am learning to be a confident, independent, strong, find-my-place, unafraid girl, rather than the insecure, play-it-by-ear-depending-on-how-the-other-person-is-feeling, people-pleasing girl I so often can be. I am learning how to take initiative to speak, to not be afraid to share my opinion, but still be quick to listen.

Taking initiative is a VITAL thing I needed to learn. It is important and necessary and it has come up in almost every situation I have been in while being here. Gaining up the courage to give my "two-cents" or opinion to a group of people that live here long-term is necessary, even though I feel like the baby on campus since I'm here for such a short amount of time. Everything in me says, "No, no, no! Don't share your ideas about how a system should work in the Learning Center! You'll be gone in two months, so you don't really have a say!" Or "Don't try to talk to this family in Spanish! You'll just mess up and make a fool out of yourself!" Or if I decide to go out on a limb and visit a family alone, my inner being will say, "You can't do anything alone! You are naive and oblivious and you'll get hurt or do something stupid!" 

Thankfully, I am slowly but surely finding my place. I am realizing I will learn nothing nor will I grow in my faith if I hold everything in, if I always let the person next to me speak up, do something, etc. Instead, only bitterness will grow inside of me if I get annoyed with a certain way things are working. We are human and we shouldn't feel like a burden to have preferences -- that is exactly what makes us different and unique and wonderful. But we can't complain about something if we haven't even tried to do something about it. The ball is in our court and we GOTTA pass it sometime in order to score. We must have courage with a huge side of communication to score, though.

I am trying my best to put this into practice everyday. Whether it be while in the Learning Center and sharing during devotionals, showing a different way of doing a math problem, or explaining why I think creating attendance sheets one way in Excel is more efficient than another way. Or needing to have a conversation when all you want to do is keep everything in because you think your needs are irrelevant. Or getting over your fear and talking to families in Spanish (even though you are afraid of messing up) because you know loving others and building a friendship with them is so much more worth it than looking like a fool and messing up. I try to give my opinion and share my heart in honesty in hopes of helping not in hopes of always being right.


One of my absolute FAVORITE songs is "The Voyage" by Amanda Cook. This song has been so special to me since it came out in 2015 because it put words to what my heart wanted to say, though I could not find the words.

Speak, even if your voice is trembling.

Please, you've been quiet for so long.

Believe, it'll be worth the risk you're taking.

You're afraid, but you can hear adventure calling.

There's a rush of adrenaline to your bones.

What you make of this moment changes everything.

What if the path you choose becomes a road?

What if the grounds you take becomes your home?

The winds are high, but the pressure's off. I'll send the rain wherever we end up. 

Set your sights, sailing far beyond familiar.

In the rising tide, you'll find the rhythm of your heart.

And lift your head -- now the wind and waves don't matter.

I am the wind in your sails.​

Those words are convicting. When I am afraid of speaking up, I feel like throwing up. There is something that comes over me and tells me it is absolutely not going to help whatsoever, that I am useless. I find excuses and justify why my opinions don't matter but bitterness grows in me like WILDFIRE. I am a verbal processor, but I have to gather my thoughts before talking to anyone. But if I don't talk about things, they bubble at the surface and explode. I need to talk, so I am taking the initiative to speak up for myself, stand firm in my preferences and explain myself even when I feel like caving, but also be receiving to criticism. I am open to others being right, but i am finding I hardly ever let myself be right. I have good ideas to offer and I need to share. We must find value in ourselves and speak up. Let's create an environment for listening as well as speaking. I think all of us need to do one or the other or maybe both. The Lord didn't make us timid robots without any preferences. He made us beautiful and unique and fierce, and we need to find our place and not be so afraid to share. I know I need to be reminded of this everyday.

 I love this song too because I when I heard it, I wondered and dreamed that this "path" I am on or "grounds" I am taking of coming to Honduras for week-long trips would eventually turn into a "road" of living here long-term -- that it would eventually "become my home". That I would not be so afraid, even though my "voice is trembling", of telling people this dream, but rather speak outwardly about it to make it a reality and pursue it and "believe it's worth the risk I'm taking". And boy, did the Lord answer a much anticipated prayer. And He is continuing to. 4 months is so SO different than just one week, but four months is not enough. Four months is so short for me. Four months when I want this for LIFE kills me to think about when I head home in June. But I must remember the Lord is "the wind in my sails". HE is the one that will guide me. I am NOT in control. Just like a sail, the wind blow in whichever direction, but the sailor has to take into account the way the wind is blowing and ultimately listen to its direction because the wind is much stronger than the sailor. It's the same for me. I may think I know which way to go and start in one direction, but truly I can't tell the wind "THIS WAY!". I have to listen to the Lord and move my sails to align to His call because He understand my heart and mind and knows best. He sees it all. He is the Captain.

A few fun, big things that have happened this past month are:

• Honduran Culture Seminar in Siguatepeque: One Wednesday I had the opportunity to go to 2 other girls from El Ayudante to a city about an hour away called Siguatepeque for an all-day seminar. We participated in fun activites and gained a better knowledge of how to do mission work in a different country. It was so interesting and helpful. We talked about how the majority of Hondurans are mostly reserved, while the majority of the personalities of missionaries are more outgoing. Hearing those statistics really stood out to me and allowed me to see that we are visitors in this beautiful country, so we must respect each other and understand . We also learned about the importance of learning a language when wanting to going emotionally deep in a friendship. You can only go to a certain depth without knowing the language. Hondurans want to know that they are important enough for you to try to understand them through their language -- which is a HUGE way to show empathy. Getting to be a part of this experience was incredible and I am very grateful to have been able to receive such juicy information in order to help me better improve my ministry.

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• Inauguration of the Learning Center: On March 28th we had a wonderful, huge celebration with the entire community for the official opening of the Learning Center. Honestly, I could go on and on about this day. Inauguration ceremonies here are a BIG DEAL, so naturally there were about 180+ people here for it! We had a time of worship, sharing what this building means to us and what are hopes are for it, as well as a time to eat together. Students, teachers, mayors, pastors, parents, the rotary club, and all of the El Ayudante staff were invited. I had the privilege of getting to share (IN SPANISH! YAY!) how much this building means to me personally, as well as talk about everything that has been happening here since Day 1 -- the tutoring, the computer lab, the scholarship program, etc. It was a joy to get to tell the people of the community that will be using this place that they are worthy of a place like this -- they deserve an education. And now IT IS AVAILABLE. Praise God! Seeing these students grow to love this place, putting in extra hours for their homework, taking ownership of their education and future amazes me. I see HOPE in them and I am so glad we got to celebrate the Lord answering prayers at the Inauguration Ceremony all together. It was beyond sweet.

• Women's Conference with Damaris Carbaugh: You all. WHAT. A. JOY. This woman, Damaris Carbaugh came to El Ayudante for about a week to share her story with missionaries in Comayagua, the women of Lo de Reina, and the women who live up the mountain in La Brea. I cannot explain to you the wisdom that seeps out of this woman. Damaris is Puerto Rican, but has lived in New York for a good amount of her life, so she is bilingual. Let me tell you, this lady is multi-faceted! She can sing, speak (in two languages), write, and make you laugh like NO OTHER. Getting to hear her talk about how the Lord spoke to her and how He has changed her life brought me to tears. She is a humble, wonderful, wise woman of God and her words have a way of convicting you in a loving way. They urge you to leave behind your ways of resisting the Lord, but run fast into His promises. I am so thankful for her taking the time to love on the ladies of El Ayudante and encouraging us to read our bibles because it is food to nourish us.

• Baby Ella Ruth Marshall: On April 5th, my sweet niece was born! My sister was due April 1st and finally had Ella on April 5th. She was 7 pounds, 3 ounces, born at 11:07am. Everything in me hurt that I couldn't be there when she was born, but getting to Facetime my family when she was born was such a gift. This little one was prayed for HARD. I am so glad she is healthy and here! And I can't wait to MEET HER! On the left is one of my students' little girl named Ruth (which is my mom's middle name and helped filled the void of not being able to hold my sweet niece), and on the right is Ella Ruth, my niece, with my mom's middle name! :)

​Getting to be here for a longer amount of time is something I really am so grateful for. But sometimes I get scared. I am terrified that after all of this is said and done, the clarity I have been asking from the Lord will be not coming to Honduras anymore or never living here full-time. I have been so antsy to figure it out and know what's next, because if it were up to me, I would move here full-time tomorrow. But as the past two months have passed, the Lord has been revealing things and bringing some clarity and peace to my wondering.

All along, I have always thought I only had two options. Either to be a high school Spanish teacher in the States or to be an English teacher in Honduras. I know I love Honduras and I know I love teaching Spanish, but everyone here already knows the language, so there is not a need for a high school Spanish teacher. So, to me, I was going to have to make some sort of REALLY tough decision -- to either sacrifice the language I teach or the country I live. And that hurt. While tutoring English in the Learning Center, I have felt, a lot of times, insufficient. Simply put, I am not passionate about teaching English to Spanish speakers. It is a lot easier said than done. But I know I am the nerdy kind of passionate  about teaching Spanish. I love verb conjugations -- that's it. It's weird, but I thrive when I teach Spanish. So this left me in a spot of anxiety, wondering what the whole point of being an English tutor in Honduras was for. 

Well, one day, I was asked to help tutor another missionary here on campus in Spanish so he could get better at speaking. I jumped at the opportunity because I felt like the whole in my heart to teach what I love had been depleted. After tutoring once, I felt FILLED. There was an overwhelming joy that I felt, unlike anything I can explain. I saw an alternative to how God could use me here -- how I could live in Honduras AND teach Spanish. It would look different than how I expected, but I could possibly encourage and empower missionaries in deepening their relationships with Hondurans THROUGH teaching Spanish! It all clicked! It made sense that maybe the Lord wants me to be a Spanish teacher to missionaries one day. That doesn't mean I'd only be interacting with English-speaking missionaries. If I lived here, my time could be used in multiple ways. I could teach Spanish to missionaries, teach English to Spanish speakers, and serve as a translator for week-long teams here. Now, I'm not saying I have it all figured out, but that day I really feel like the Lord answered a prayer by revealing to me that my dreams of living in Honduras AND teaching Spanish CAN BE fulfilled. He fills my soul again and again with never-ending hope and He always keeps His promises.

As I reach this halfway point on my internship here, I see myself coming out of my shell, taking initiative, and adapting better, and fitting in. I am going deeper with students and families. I am challenging myself to have longer conversations with Spanish speakers rather than nervously saying "Buenos dias! Como esta?" in passing. A part of the Honduran culture is not being on a time constraint. Relationships are more important here, and that takes getting used to, but the more I practice this custom, the more I see my relationships grow, my language skill grow, and ministry grow. A part of me cannot believe I have already been here for 60 DAYS, but other parts of me feel like there's so much more I could do and 60 MORE DAYS is not enough. I am so thrilled to finally be underway with all things in the Learning Center. As time goes on, we find more a more efficient technique of doing things, so I'm glad to be a part of making it easier for the next tutors that come and help here.

This week is Semana Santa or Holy Week, so from today until Sunday is considered vacation. I am grateful that literally right at the halfway mark of my time here there is a time to pause and remember the sacrifice and victory of our Lord Jesus Christ. God knew I needed time to reflect, I think. He knows me well. As we unwind this week and spend time focusing on fellowship, I pray to be reminded of gravity of all Jesus did, but how triumphant Him conquering the grave is. It is because of that sacrifice I get to even be a part of ANY of this. Grace upon grace. Mercy upon mercy. What a good Lord we serve that sent His one and only Son so that we may be reconciled to Him. I want to remember that this week -- and always.

      

       

Lord, thank you. Thank you for making this all possible. Thank you for the people that have joined me in this, who have truly linked arms, had my back, picked me up when it felt impossible, encouraged me, prayed for me, supported me, and loved me through this -- those people have allowed me to validate my dreams which shoved me to pursue them. Without those people I wouldn't be here. I would be stuck in my head wondering what if and too afraid to go after something for thinking I am crazy and it is impossible. Lord, thank you for putting those people, who are so much more than just people, but dear, dear friends, in my life. Thank you that you implanted this dream and passion inside my heart. You knew what my life would look like since I was born. You knew the steps to win my heart and woo me with your love, but also how you would use a different language to allow me to experience you on a whole other level -- through relationships, meanings of words, culture, and seeing that you are the same God in every country in the world. Though we might celebrate your mercy and worship your sovereignty in different ways, you are the same. And you love us. Lord, thank you that I have the privilege to see this firsthand. Thank you for Honduras, for Comayagua, for Lo de Reina, for El Ayudante, for the Centro de Aprendizaje, for 4 years of history here, and for the people I get to work alongside. I couldn't have written a better story for my life, and I'm so glad I'm not the one writing it. You are. Thank you for being the Author. Amen.

PRAYER REQUESTS
That the Lord would continue to bring clarity to my future/purpose with Honduras
Continue to deepen relationships with students

For students to see/value/take ownership of their education

For 1 specific student who may be dropping out of school due to learning disabilities and health issues

For me to not be greedy or lazy with my time or procrastinate, but give all of my energy away

To show love and grace when I want to be self-justifying