Acostumbrarse // Month 1: February to March

Just your typical day downtown..

|| acostumbrarse: to get used to; to become used to; to become accustomed to ||

My time here thus far has been, honestly, not everything that I thought it would be. Not in a bad way nor a good way. It truly has been a roller coaster -- of (literally) every emotion, adjusting, understanding, learning, and failing. My past with Honduras looks completely different with my present in Honduras. My trips in June 2014, June 2015, and June 2016 grew my craving for this place more and more every single time, but those week-long trips look completely different that living here. Being here for week-long missions team trips set up the perfect stage to fall in love with a country quickly. Those trips include everything pretty much being taken care of for you. You don't have to go grocery shopping, you don't have to cook, you don't have to clean, you are constantly around your team, you always have something to do, everything is already paid for, and if there is a conflict within a relationship or if you miss someone, the end is near.. you'll be home at the end of the week, so it's a quick and easy cop-out. You have translators and people on staff to keep you safe and tell you what you should and shouldn't do. You don't realize how "spoiled" you are until you're on the other side of it all. That's how it is for me. Most of the days on week-long mission trips look like waking up to breakfast being made for you, getting dressed, going to install water filters and talking to families, someone driving you back to the mission house, eating a wonderful, already prepared lunch, drinking a mid-day Coke in a rocking chair, going to a house to pour a concrete floor or build a house or install a latrine, going back to a beautifully done dinner, showering, playing cards with your team, joking around, and going to bed. 

Cooling off at the river w/ one of the teams

That is my familiarity. But now it's all so different -- in a good and hard adjustment way. Now my days are mostly spent within the walls of the El Ayudante campus. I am in the Learning Center from 8am-4pm every Monday through Friday. My 1 open room apartment is within these walls. There are "enough" people to hang out with that live on campus to still have a social life. It gets dark here at 5:30/6:00pm everyday, so by the time I'm finished in the LC, cooking dinner, eating, and resting, it's pitch black outside and I can't go beyond these walls by myself. I have a roommate and we cook almost all our meals (which is a huge change for me because I am TERRIBLE at cooking). I have a lot of "alone" time. If I want to cry, be alone, or am frustrated, I feel like I have no where to go (which is good and bad for me -- sometimes you need your space, but other times I can hide rather than letting others know what's up). Not that I don't feel comfortable around the people her either, but I am an emotional person who doesn't like to cry in front of others, so the struggle is real. ;) Usually I'm speaking in Spanish while teaching English, but it isn't always a conversation since it's teaching -- I could go the whole day not having been corrected on something I said wrong. I miss my family and friends. I'm starting to get homesick. 

But I'm so used to the majority of my time here being off-campus. I'm usually installing water filters or mixing concrete all day. I'm so used to living in the mission house -- a giant room full of 20+ bunkbeds. I usually have a team of 12 other friends with me, always giving me someone I know well available to talk to. It would still get dark early, but there wouldn't be a desire to go off-campus since that's where I spent most of my day. I never had to cook one meal, clean a bathroom, or felt the need for alone time or wanted to hide while I was frustrated because I was close to everyone I was around. Every time I spoke Spanish, it was a discussion and the other person had the opportunity to tell me I said something incorrectly, which is how I learn best. I mean it when I say everything seems the opposite of life as I've known it here. I knew some of these things would look this way, but still. It's been different and hard and an adjustment this first month, but hear me when I say it has been GOOD.

Installed water filters up the mountain and stopped here to eat our lunches.

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Now, I'm not saying AT ALL that I haven't loved my time here. It was be a huge understatement to say it has been incredible. But, truly, it has been harder that I planned. It has been so much adjusting and processing that my mind feels fried. At the end of the day, I want to just veg out, even though I haven't "hung out" with anyone. Every single day, I am seeing how completely insufficient I am compared to Christ. I am weak. I am so weak. I like to think with my prideful, big, boastful mind that I can do it all and I have everything under control, but that is not even close to it. I do feel insufficient compared to Christ, which is a good thing to realize, but there has been this resounding lie from the Enemy that I AM INSUFFICIENT. It is a lie I have been listening to. Insufficiency in a sense that I have nothing good to offer and I am a failure. Compared to Christ, that statement is absolutely true. He is all-powerful. He is able to change hearts and minds, not me. He is in control and able to do all things. But this kind of insufficiency is crippling. I have found myself, more often times than not, doubting myself, my capabilities, my heart, thinking I am a failure. 

The past three weeks of working in the Learning Center has taught me so much. There are 55 students (grades 7th-12th) in the scholarship program who have been sponsored by people in the States. Through this program that El Ayudante (the mission I am working with) created, students have received help paying for their books, uniforms, and school supplies to allow them continue their education because about 50% of these students don't continue school past the 7th grade. One of the rules for these students is that they must spend 2 hours in the Learning Center receiving tutoring each week. My co-tutor Josue has been a gift. It is so cool to see the hand of God in putting us together to work as a team. He is so great at Science and Math. As for me, I am TERRIBLE at those things, but English and Spanish are my specialty, and luckily that was a need in the Learning Center. Josue is completely bilingual and is from Comayagua, but like anyone, teaching English while explaining in Spanish is no easy feat. I am so thankful for how perfectly our gifts go hand in hand. He is so patient with me as well -- something that I need so, so badly. This past month has been a process of using my Spanish more and more, therefore, coming out of my shell and not leaning on the crutch of using English with others that are bilingual. Josue has allowed me to practice often, learn more, and speak sentences slowly without feeling embarrassed or rushed. If I mess up, he kindly will correct me and explain things to me. That is something that I so needed, so he has been a huge help in this past month, as well as an incredible friend when I've doubted myself, encouraging me to keep trying.

Pretty soon this baby will be up and running! I cannot wait!

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I have doubted my ability to speak Spanish. I have doubted my ability to teach English to students. I have doubted my ability to be what people need/want me to be here. I have felt rejection in many forms -- not because of others being hurtful, but mainly because of the lies I have let myself believe. I know Spanish. I've studied it for 8 years in school. But nothing tests your ability more than being completely submerged in a culture, constantly speaking the language. What I have learned is that despite those 8 years of studying Spanish and literally having a Bachelors degree in the language, I have so much to learn. So much. I keep reminding myself of my rockstar of a softball coach who told us, "Practice doesn't make perfect. Practice makes permanent. So, make sure you're practicing the correct things." Thanks, Mr. Fookes, because that applies to so much. So many times I have wanted to just tap out, give up, and crawl into my hole of embarrassment because I convince myself that when I speak no one can understand me thinks I barely know Spanish. Or if I can't hear something and I ask them to repeat what they said and they respond back in English, I get embarrassed because I assume they think I don't know Spanish. But the frustration and the beauty of learning languages is a paradox. There is this cycle: Learning - Practicing - Failing - Embarrassment - Giving up - Getting mad that you don't try - Practicing. It is hard to push and challenge yourself to keep speaking and practicing when you know you will absolutely get embarrassed and fail, but it is HUMBLING. I have to make a choice everyday - will I put myself out there and try or will I give up and avoid people so I don't embarrass myself? If I choose the latter, I will miss out on using my passion, getting better and perfecting my speaking skills, and I will miss out on incredible relationships I could have built here. So, everyday I am trying to remind myself to strip myself of my pride and fear of embarrassment, because it is a sacrifice for the Lord.

Students spending extra time tutoring

Our mixed group on Monday afternoons

15 9th graders who showed up on time!

9 extra students showed up!

The first week here, I felt this deep desire from the Lord: I didn't want to leave this place with any leftover energy I could have used here. I wanted to leave Honduras EXHAUSTED. And I am feeling it. I feel mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually depleted in need for the Savior to replenish and nourish my every need. And the hope is that HE DOES and HE WILL. He has blessed this ministry so much and there have been exciting baby steps to seeing the Learning Center grow and mature. I am here for 4 months. That's longer term than I have ever been here, but truly, that is not very much time. I am simply a short-term catalyst for the growth and raising of the walls of the Learning Center. And I hope and pray that when the Lord wants to use me somewhere, I am not selfish with my skills, my time, and my resources. 

Although the new Learning Center building is not quite finished yet, tutoring has been up since February 20th. 3 full weeks with these students has been so sweet and seeing the things we are teaching and helping with STICKING with them is rewarding. The first week with them was giving them an overview of their role as scholarships students. Almost all of the kids had never had tutoring before, so with the Learning Center, we are trying to break a cycle. A stereotype. A way of thinking. We are training these kids to take responsibility for their learning, even though some of their parents don't value education for them. The history of this area is a generational stigma of not seeing the importance and opportunities with more education. Our hope is to equip and empower, rather than enable these families. Since tutoring was practically nonexistent before this, we had to explain to students that we are here to help with their homework or school projects or whatever subject they don't understand, but they HAVE to bring their books and notebooks, otherwise we won't know what they're working on. Not until this past week did I feel like students were actually getting it. We have 10 computers and the majority of the students don't even know how to use them. But everyday, they are showing up. Each scholarship student has a specific day that they must attend tutoring with those in the same grade as them, but any other time they need help, they are allowed to come to use computers, ask for extra help, etc. And this week they came. They showed up. It makes me cry the happiest tears.

And then, on top of it all, Josue and I went to the schools nearby to explain the purpose of the Learning Center and that all students can come with their grade, even if they aren't in the scholarship program. We had NO idea what we were in for. Just this week, it blew up. On Monday morning, we had all the 7th-grade students except for 2 missing, and then in the afternoon, we had our third week of perfect attendance with our mixed group. On Tuesday, we had 15 9th-graders show up ready to learn and ALL on time (4 of them not being in the scholarship program, just coming voluntarily to learn)! On Wednesday, we had 2 new students come and 3 students come other times during the week for extra help. Thursday always seems up in the air for us because we have 2 students that have to come, but they hadn't been coming the past 2 weeks. So, this week we were in for a surprise. EIGHT (yes, 8!) STUDENTS showed up for tutoring optionally and the other two who are in the program finally came!! Friday, two students were absent, but 4 new students voluntarily showed up, one of those students being a dear, dear friend to me who I met my first trip to Honduras, Mileny. Then there's another student who has showed up EVERY SINGLE WEEK and he isn't even in the scholarship program, he just wants to learn. 

Mileny - 2017.

Mileny, Helen, & Camila - 2014.

The family - 2016.

These numbers might not be a huge deal to you, but they are big victories to us! This is just the beginning. One of my favorite things about being a part of all of this is the relationships. It always has been. But this time it is relationships past, present, and future. Some of these students I met 3 years ago when we involved water filters in their houses and now they are my students. I get to see them 2 hours or more every single week for the next 12 weeks remaining here. Some of these students I have never met before, but now I will know them forever. These 55+ students will always be apart of my life, whether that is physically or in my prayers or both, now I know them. Now they are a part of my life and a relationship is building. I pray that relationship is one that breaks down walls in the classroom, in their hearts, and with their God. It is such a joy to know some of these students prior to these 4 months and already have a foundation of friendship with them. I desire for the Learning Center to be a safe place, an encouraging place, a place of lifting each other up and empowering each other, but even more so a place of learning about God. Everyday, Josue and I will share one Proverb a day, both in English and Spanish, explain it, and then read and translate word-for-word the English version. We want these kids to understand the Lord's heart for them and explaining how the discipline of the Lord is out of love so they can grow in wisdom and maturity. It is a beautiful thing getting to love on these students through teaching them English and Spanish, but also through Scripture. God is breaking down walls in the classroom and in hearts -- mine included.

The work here is not close to being finished yet, but I am so glad it isn't up to Josue and I to do all the work because the Holy Spirit is going to work in the students much more than we will. A part of being a tutor here feels like hugely like being a Young Life leader, which I love. Getting to invest in students, use Spanish, teach, create an inclusive and equal environment, and build relationships are the things I am passionate about and all of those coming together in my favorite place makes me happy dance and cry and thank the Lord over and over and over again for this opportunity and for YOU. YOU - the person who is reading this.. because you are supporting me, loving me, there for me, and helped make this all possible. I still can't believe. Thank you for trusting the Lord with this and helping a girl go to a country she love to do what she loves. I have the most incredible people in my life. I love you all. 

This place is so special and so dear to me. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid that after my time here, the Lord will close this chapter in my life. I'm scared He'll tell me I won't live here or I won't come back for a very long time because I need to do other things first. Every part of me wants to live here. I ache for it in my bones. But if the Lord asks for my obedience, I must sacrifice my longings and desires for Him. If the next steps after this doesn't involve Honduras, it will break my heart, but I will listen. The Lord knows what is best and His discipline brings maturity and wisdom and selflessness -- everything that I desire. It will be hard, but I will listen because He is faithful to keep His promises. 

"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." 

 - Psalm 139:23-24.

" Examine, oh Dios, y sondea mi corazon; ponme a prueba y sondea mis pensamientos. Fijate si voy por mal camino, y guiame por el camino y guiame por el camino eterno." 

- Salmo 139:23-24.

The INCREDIBLE view + sunrise from my kitchen window! :)

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PRAYER REQUESTS

Feelings of insufficiency/encouragement to keep trying and that I AM enough
For students to see and understand the value in their education/to take ownership of this
Deepened relationships: with students, with staff, and to not be afraid to make other friends
Sacrifice my flesh to serve with all my energy and grace
Distraction, jealousy & comparison of others

For God to check my motives and work in me to trust Him with the next step

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all else fails

"When all else fails, ______________." I think that's how it goes. Fill in the blank with whatever it may be. When something lets you down, do _________, be ___________, or *insert any verb here* _________. We always fill our lives with things that will make us feel better or will make us happy when everything else fails us.

In the Christian community, I think we subconsciously live this life without knowing it. We know who our Redeemer, Savior, Prince of peace is, yet He isn't the One we go to first. It's in our human nature to take control. We might as well say, "When all else fails, give it to God" when we should be saying, "Because all else fails, I give it to God" because He never will fail us.

I'm learning this the hard way, like I always do.

If I'm being honest, the past month has sucked. It has brutally sucked. Things have gotten really hard. The holidays are always hard for my family and I especially since losing my mom. Nothing ever seems easy during the holidays. My mom would make all the food on Thanksgiving, recruit people to clean up the house, set the table, yell at us to get our grimy, taste-testing fingers out of the mashed potatoes, and still manage impress us with her superpowers and make everyone laugh in the act.

Christmas was always incredible. After Thanksgiving, her and I would set up the tree together and she would yell at me to turn off my "Shrek the Halls" CD. My mom did all the shopping and also somehow made me believe in Santa Claus until I was 14 (that's right, people.. I believed in Santa until my 8th grade year, but I was stubborn and had to find out for myself!). Christmas Day, my dad would make breakfast and then we'd open gifts at like 1:00pm because my brothers never woke up early. Every person got a gift. No one was forgotten. Everyone felt loved because we had one hell of a mom that put so much effort into making us feel special. We would hang out for the rest of the day and just spend it together, lazily.

December 31st is my birthday. My mom was always one to give a gift to her kids instead of just money. No matter how old we were, there was always a cake. She was the best at making cakes. She would find new designs or decorations in baking magazines and try them out for us and, at least for me, make me take a picture with it while sitting on the same old, rickety kitchen table for years. In no way here am I saying that my siblings and I were spoiled (even though all my other siblings say I was because I was the youngest), but we were shown our worth and how much we were loved and cared for because our mom gave her best for us to know that.


Since Mom passed away, nothing has really felt like that. And I know, nothing ever will feel the same after losing a family member, that's for sure. But Thanksgiving is never at my dad's house anymore; for the past 3 years it has been at my sisters'. Christmas is hell for me. My dad doesn't like to shop so he just ends up giving us money. There's no magical feel to Christmas morning. We don't do breakfast anymore. Last year and this year we had dinner at my sister's and just hung out. My brother Timmy and his husband Brady came in town from South Carolina and made amazing food. I am so thankful that I still get to spend time with my family and for a sister that so ungrudgingly gives up her home for us to be together. My Christmas looks different. We're adapting and changing and it hurts. Nothing feels right without my mom here. Christmas isn't only hard for those reasons, but also my family members have different ways of healing and coping my mom's passing that aren't always the healthiest, leaving my family broken in some ways and leaving my heart bitter.

This year and last year my friend Emily and I threw a New Years Eve/Birthday party. Last year was my 21st birthday and everything went wonderfully. I felt loved and known by my friends. It was real special. This year the party didn't go as smoothly as I had planned due to the speakers for the dance party not working for 2.5 hours of a 4 hour party. I was really bummed out. I cried of frustration in my friend's room because I was lost and I wanted everyone to have fun.

Reflecting on this party this year, I felt mad and frustrated because I put so much into it, but deep down I wanted this party to make up for the crappy past month I have had. I put my all into trying to please others with this NYE/Bithday party as a means of feeling better about my family letting me down, Christmas & Thanksgiving never feeling special, and also freaking out about what I am planning to do after I graduate. This fun party (including a ball drop, a dance party, sparklers, might I add :) -- haha!), was going to make me feel better about everything that had gone wrong and made me upset.

I filled my blank with "have the best NYE/birthday party ever". And needless to say, it let me down.

I'm not saying the whole party was a bust. I'm not saying I didn't have fun at all. But what I am saying is this party that I put so much time, effort, and money into, that I thought would temporarily mask all the pain I was feeling, that I thought would make me feel better, ended up letting me down. It didn't satisfy me or make me feel whole by any means. If anything, I felt more upset thinking that people didn't have fun because music wasn't playing for 2.5 hours. How silly is it that I need to remind myself that 2.5 hours of no music is not the end of the world. Even if nothing had gone wrong with this party, I still wouldn't have felt full. I still would have a broken family that would upset me again. I would still be worried about what all my friends thought about the party, and I still would have been freaking out about something else. Nothing is ever going to be perfect.

We have messy lives. We don't have families out of ABC family movies. We don't have Christmases like we would dream. We don't always have Thanksgiving like we see on the front of cooking magazines. We live in a world of hurt and pain and loss and disappointment and let downs. We know that. We're human; we've experienced that.

So what? What can we do about it? We can't change anything?

It might be true that we can't change what happens, but we can change where/what we put our hope in. We can change how we react to things. We can remember what really matters. We can change how we fill our blanks.

Instead of "If all else fails, I'll throw a NYE/Birthday party to make me feel better", I should have said, "Because all else fails, I will give it to God because He doesn't fail."

Don't go to God when everything fails. Go to Him in all things. He doesn't fail. He satisfies. He is the true meaning behind Thanksgiving (he gave me all the things I am thankful for), Christmas (Jesus being born to save the world is what it's all about), and my birthday (He breathed me into existence. He has graciously given me 22 years of healthy life). He is the reason behind it ALL. Don't let Him be the effect to a stupid cause in your cause and effect equation. Make Him the cause. Everything will let you down, but the Lord won't. Make Him the foundation of all you do and all you are because then, in the midst of chaos and imperfection, you are able to have peace.

The holidays will always be hard and different than the norm for me. This past month, I feel like I have taken one blow after another. But I am learning the hard way that putting all your hope into worthless things won't bring you joy -- only Christ's love will. I am so thankful that holidays are about so much more than everything being perfect. If it were that way, I would NEVER meet those expectations. But our God is a living God and knows what we're dealing with. I am so thankful that HE is the firm foundation of it all. That HE is the center. That it is all about HIM. Don't run after parties or things to fill you up and to make you feel better -- run to HIM.

Not only is is all about Him, but also when we run to worthless things rather than Him, He shows us grace upon grace upon grace. He forgives us. I'm so glad that I'm not good enough.

So this year, in 2016, I am choosing not to fill my blank with Earthly, worthless things. I am choosing not to say, "When all else fails, _______". I am choosing, instead, to say, "Because all else fails, I will give it to God."


... and remember, WE'RE TOO BLESSED TO BE STRESSED

redemption of all.

One of my favorite things about Jesus is that over and over and over again He makes me take a step back a say, "this has to be a joke" or "are you kidding me?!" or my all-time favorite, "this is actually HILARIOUS". He continues to blow me away by all the things He does and He has left me to wear out those phrases lately because He has shown me how sovereign He is and how much He desires redemption, but in the most perfect, intimate ways with us.

Before my freshman year of college ended at UK, I remember sitting in my dorm with my friend talking about doing Summer Staff. I got giddy and ready to be away for a month. Later, I decided to call my dad to see his thoughts on the situation. My dad brought me back to reality and said that he thought it would be best if I worked that summer instead of spending a month volunteering somewhere but not getting paid. I agreed, so I did just that and had my dreams crushed. At this point, I was a Young Life leader and hoped to go to summer camp with students, but it ended up not working out.

Winter break of my sophomore year of college at UK, I decided I wanted to be brave and adventure in 2014, so I made plans to go on my first mission trip to Honduras, apply for summer staff (and actually do it this time!) and most likely go to summer camp with students at Tate's Creek. I had goals and dreams and I was going to do anything to make them happen. I raised enough money and was so excited that things were ACTUALLY falling into place. Then, I received email after email from different Young Life camps I had applied to for Summer Staff saying that there weren't any spots left and that I was on the waitlist. This happened all summer. In late June I headed off to Honduras and tried to not let the frustration of not hearing back from Summer Staff get to me. The day after I got back from Honduras, I was planning on jumping on a bus to go to summer camp. Right when I flew back in to the States from Honduras, I got a call telling me there weren't enough girls signed up for camp and that I wouldn't get to go. I was crushed. Honduras was the best experience, but coming back expecting to spend another week with some of the girls you love the most and finding out you won't get to just hurts. So I continued to wait and see if any camp would contact me about doing Summer Staff. I got nothing. The summer ended and I was proud of myself for pursuing the things I wanted to do and taking the necessary steps to get there (something that hardly ever happens for me), but I was crushed on the inside. I felt as though God was calling me to step out of my comfort zone, try and make these things happen, doing that, then not getting what you wanted and tried so hard to get. I hated it. I had the time of my life in Honduras and overall an amazing summer, but through a lot of disappointment, I got to see that I don't have to do everything/have a jam-packed summer to experience the Lord. 

Then there's this year -- my junior year of college at UK. I applied to Summer Staff early so the chances of me getting in were the highest they could be. Not long after that, I was accepted to do Summer Staff in the Dominican Republic -- a place where I can speak Spanish and serve for the mission of Young Life. Unfortunately, I was unable to do it because the dates for Summer Staff were ones I wasn't available for -- I was going to be at summer camp with students. I had to turn down an awesome offer. My application was pushed along to the next camp I had applied to and it was like I was reliving last summer -- camp after camp emailing me to tell me there wasn't anymore spots and I was on the waitlist. My heart was getting worn out from all this crushed hope. A few weeks later, I received an email offering me a Coffee Shoppe position on Summer Staff at Lost Canyon in Arizona! And the dates were right! I cried and I danced and I thanked the Lord that something was actually happening! Meanwhile, my friends that I went to Honduras with the summer before kept asking if I was going again this summer. I was hesitant. Not because I didn't want to go -- I wanted so, so badly to return to the place that I left part of my heart and be able to serve in Honduras again. I was hesitant because I didn't know what other people would have thought. I doubted if I could raise the money again. I was nervous about planning and doing all the things I had to do last year. But the Lord was adamant. I had this crazy gut feeling and I knew this is where I wanted to be and where I needed to be. Through much prayer and thought, I knew this was it. So I said yes to going to Honduras again! I cannot express the deep sense of excitement I have to be back in Comayagua. And on top of that, I will be going to summer camp with students from Tate's Creek this year! 

WHAT. Hold the phone. Yep, that's right. Things that I have been pursuing for 2 years are all happening?! Seriously?! IS THIS A JOKE? Nope, this isn't a drill you all.. it's really happening. I will be going to Honduras, going to Carolina Point for YL summer camp with Tate's Creek students, and doing Summer Staff at the YL summer camp Lost Canyon for 3 weeks this summer. 

The Lord is sovereign.

He redeemed all of the disappointment from the past two summers. He placed hope and perseverance in me to even try to do these things again. I tell ya what, I sure am happy I didn't give up. I'm so glad I applied for summer staff even though I was crushed for 2 summers in a row. I am so happy I decided to stand up for myself and say yes to going to Honduras again. And the fact that I get to be at Carolina Point with Tate's Creek girls while they experience the best week of their lives puts me in complete awe. The Lord showed me so much the past 2 summers and the plans that didn't work out were the best for me, but God still knew my heart. He knew I still wanted to be able to do these things and He so graciously allowed them all to take place. He redeems all.

Did I mention too that while I'm in Honduras, I will get to meet the person that runs Vida Joven (Young Life in Spanish-speaking countries) in Comayagua? Yeah, that's real life!! I can't believe these things are coming together pretty well. We serve an awesome God that doesn't forget out prayers. Sometimes they don't happen when we want them to or when we think it's the best time or sometimes even at all, but that's because He has a better plan. 

If you feel worn out from things not going your way or working out, please, please persevere. Check your heart over and over again to see if you have the right motives. If you do, I urge you to persevere. God will honor that part of your character. He might do something completely different, but He will always ALWAYS give you what you need. He provides abundantly. Don't throw your dreams away. 

"And my God will supply all your need according to His riches in Christ Jesus. Now to our Father be the glory forever and ever! Amen." - Philippians 4:19-20.

If you are interested in donating for these adventures, click here: http://www.youcaring.com/mission-trip-fundraiser/send-casey-to-honduras-and-lost-canyon-/338230#.VTFyJ_0kZIc.facebook

in you death has lost its sting

"Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" - 1 Corinthians 15:55.

I never thought I'd be in the place that I am right now. I never thought there was anything wrong with the way I was dealing with everything. I never thought things were going to get worse than they were, until they did. 

As an 18 year old, losing my mom wasn't easy. Losing someone you love is not easy for anyone. And even though the Lord gave my family and I a year and a half extra with her since she had her first heart attack, nothing in this world could have prepared me for the amount of excruciating pain that was to come. 

When my mom passed away two weeks into my freshman year of college, I was deeply hurting inside. I was at peace with the way everything had happened and that she was finally resting for eternity with Jesus after a year and a half of being in and out of hospitals, having seizures, strokes, heart attacks, and being away from family. She was out of her pain  and I was at peace with that. But what I wasn't at peace with was my emotions.

momma, you are missed every single day.

I had just moved out of my high school's Young Life community and was just entering into UK's college Young Life community. I didn't know anyone super well yet and missed my friends and family back home more than anything. What I wanted more than anything was for other people to see this trial in my life and for them to see that Jesus is with us in our sufferings; that His love finds us in our pain and covers us. 

I always tried to be positive and optimistic about my mom's passing to others, but would never let anyone see me crying or hurting, not even my family. I always felt like I had to be a "good sport" because I thought the more I talked about my mom and how I was aching inside, the more people didn't want to hang out with me. I told myself that I was a burden. I told myself that I should be over it. I allowed Satan to deceive me so much and tell me that no one really cared, so I put up a wall. Whenever I felt upset, I would try my hardest to shrug off my emotions. I became numb to thinking about my mom for fear that I would constantly be upset and no one would want to be around me. I didn't turn to anyone completely. There would be some instances when I talked about it, but I would never fully open up -- I feared being vulnerable and letting others see the deepest scar on me.

Not until about two months ago had I become aware of my fear of letting people know about this part of my life. All of my feelings about my mom and missing her felt like they were creeping back in and hitting me all at once. I hated it because this time there was nothing I could do to avoid it. I didn't have control. I didn't know why all of the sudden I was emotional all the time and would find myself crying in my room alone so often. As I was talking to my friend Emily one day in February, I told her about what I was going through. I came to the realization that I think I never allowed myself to grieve over my mother's death because I felt like I had to be positive all the time. I was afraid to open up because I was afraid of rejection and feeling weak. Not but a week later, I stumbled across an article on Bedlam Magazine's website (which I encourage you to read here: http://www.bedlammag.com/digging-up-the-roots-of-our-emotional-issues/) because the title sounded appropriate for my "emotional issues". Subconsciously, I was desperately seeking anything, anything to solve this, to help me get through this in the easiest, most pain-free way. Little did I know that the article would hit the nail right on the head and be exactly what I needed to hear. First, she started out talking about the book Scary Close by Donald Miller and when shame entered into his life, then she shared a story about when the shame entered her life as well. She talked about how she would push back feelings because she felt as though if she were to even admit that she was upset would be a sign of weakness. 

"Sometimes I allow my pride and the desire to come off as a “good sport” to others rob me of a genuine grieving process. My temporary solution meant to block emotional harm just leads to long-term pain."

Then the next paragraph blew me away. 

"After my family lost my mom, I pushed away my grief for nearly two years until it bubbled to the surface. I felt like I had to be “normal” again, “happy,” so when it finally hit me, I was upset almost all of the time. While my grief will always be a part of me in this fallen world, I allowed it to take over me. But I surrendered and God delivered me from that. He’s so patient with me."

She lost her mom too. She's been dealing with this for 2 years too. She's been pushing away her hurt too. This woman, without realizing it, understood me. She got it. And whether I knew her or not, that was all I needed.

At the end of March, I went on a Spring Break trip with UK's college Young Life to Florida, like I have for the past 2 years of college. What happened during that trip made it so evident to me that Jesus was working through all of this. A new freshman leader that I had met earlier this school year, Madison, was on the trip. I knew she had lost her mom too and I had been wanting to hang out with her. Everything in me wanted to reach out to her and just talk. I was looking for someone to relate with and I was hoping she was too. The conversation we ended up having left me living in freedom. 

In that moment, I realized what I had been looking for for two and a half long years -- someone who made me know that I was NOT alone in this -- was there. I understood that there are people who know what I'm going through. There are people who understand and can relate. And I found the greatest friend in Madison who I can say without a doubt in my mind is brave and will fight hard with me so we know the Truth -- the Truth that Jesus says there is NO sting in death if you live in Christ Jesus.

Jesus continued through that trip that He wanted to take this darkness that I am in and bring it into the Light. Into the hope that Christ died for this. Not only did I find on the trip that Madison could relate, but that another new friend, Mason, was going through the same thing. And so were Kevin and Kayla, our awesome college Young Life leaders leading the talks at club during the trip. And OF COURSE the talks on the trip were all about vulnerability. I couldn't run away anymore. The Lord was shoving me into something, and with much resistance, I had to surrender. The Lord was adamant in what He wanted to show me.

If I learned anything from this Spring Break trip, it was that I am not alone. I learned that there are people who can relate and understand that death is scary and messy and hard. It changes your life. It makes you feel things you never ever want to feel. But I got to see the healing hands of God.

"He is utterly alone in His suffering so that we will never

 have to be alone in ours." 

^^^ from this: (http://tcpca.org/2015/04/01/woman-behold-your-son-behold-your-mother-2/)

God doesn't want us to fight this battle alone. We cannot do it. Literally. We are not the ones that died and rose again and conquered death -- He did. I am not strong enough to do this by myself. And even though I have found people that get it and understand my pain, only having them will still never satisfy. Just talking to them will not supply my deepest need to help me get through this.The only One that knows exactly what I am going through is Jesus. He died on the cross -- no one can say they know that pain. But He can say He knows every pain. I am so thankful we have a Savior who doesn't intend on using hard, heartbreaking things in our lives once and then we move forward, but it is an ongoing process that affects the rest of our lives. It's proof that He never leaves us along in our junk. He wants us to surrender. 

I never thought I'd be in the place that I am right now. I never thought there was anything wrong with the way I was dealing with everything. I never thought things were going to get worse than they were, until they did. But Christ doesn't leave us alone. He doesn't let us bypass healing. I was encouraged by my friend Angie Poston's blog post recently that in Genesis 50 what Satan intended for evil and to harm me, that God will make GOOD. He is taking these ashes and making them beautiful. 

This mourning process sucks and causes me to be all over the place, but God is drawing me so close during this time that I can't help but rejoice. It is necessary.

Missing my mom isn't a bad thing. Talking to people when I'm upset isn't weird. I'm not a burden. These are things that I have to remind myself everyday. It's taken a lot of trembling courage to go through this process. But because I have a God that is so much bigger than this and is my refuge in this storm, I can live and fight to know the Truth and resist Satan telling me otherwise. I would be nothing if it wasn't for Christ's relentless pursuit and patience with me. He's redeeming this and it beautiful.

If you're in the same boat, I want you to know you are not alone. Don't sink back into your shell. Let people see this. Mourning is one heck of a process, but there is beauty through it in Christ. There are people who understand and are going through the same thing, just like me. Take your sweet time, in this moment, and sift through your feelings. Don't look over them. Don't bypass them. Don't shoo them away or ignore them. It may sting for a little while, but just like putting hydrogen peroxide on a wound, the Lord is wanting you to cry out to him, mourn, and give Him your deep lament so you can heal, be restored, and learn to be free. Not free of these feelings, but to freely feel them. Let Him in, friend. Don't be afraid to let your guard down because He knows what He's doing.

"There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,  a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace." - Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.

Please, if you need a friend to walk through this with you, let me know. Or if you want to know more about my story, don't hesitate. Text, IM, or comment below.  You're not a burden and I want you to know that.

i actually DID that || Honduras, Part 3

"I'm a free spirit who never had the balls to be free." -- Cheryl Strayed, Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail

Yes, this is the third post about my Honduras trip... 7 months late. My organization and time management skills may need some help -- so what?! That's beside the point. :)

The initial reason why I split up my posts about Honduras into 3 different ones was because there was a lot of crazy awesome stuff that happened in preparation for the trip, there was a lot of crazy awesome stuff that happened while I was there, AND there was a lot of crazy awesome stuff that I see now after looking back on the trip. Just wanted y'all to get the full effect, ya know? Ha!

Or maybe I just like to talk, but let's ignore that.

Looking back on this past summer, I am just put in absolute awe at how the Lord proved to me that He is in every single detail of our lives. He is all-consuming and I got a perfect example of that. Every part of the prepping, the doing, and the reflecting, HE IS THERE. He was there in the fundraising, in the hesitantly asking my dad, in the praying, in the nerves. He was there in finding my team at the airport in Atlanta, in building awesome relationships, in serving a community, in using my Spanish, in flying on an airplane by myself. He was there when I flew back to the United States and found out I wasn't going to be able to go to Summer Camp the very next day with the school I lead Young Life with, when I didn't get into Summer Staff, when I didn't have a job the week I got back from Honduras because I was supposed to be at camp, when I laid on my bed in Lexington all week unsure of my emotions and feeling useless because I spent a week living and doing things for a greater purpose. He is there when I think about how much I miss those little, brown faces of some of my favorite kids on the planet that are approximately 2, 835 long miles away. He is there when I get restless because all I want to do is something RIGHT NOW where I can combine my two passions: Jesus and Spanish. He is here, right now, and every other time that I look back and sift through how much the Lord provided for me in this trip and how many things He showed me.

God deepened a passion in my heart while in Honduras. I've known since the 2nd grade that I want to be a teacher. I've known since my Freshman year of high school that I want to be a high school Spanish teacher. I found out (and still am) the beginning my freshman year of college that to get there, it's going to take a whole lotta work. Before going to Honduras, I was feeling discouraged and like I wasn't good enough to teach a whole different language to high schoolers. Or that there was absolutely no way that I was cut out to be a teacher in general. But, in God's perfect timing (as always), after Honduras, I was fired up about Spanish and teaching it and using it for God's glory like never before. After three days into the trip, I thought to myself, "HEY, I can do this! I am able to  speak Spanish!" when all along I let the lies and the fear and the insecurities hold me back. Those are the most empowering and greatest victories, aren't they? When God finally shows you that you ARE enough and worthy, so you get to kick Satan in the butt -- Mmm, I love those moments!

The Lord not only showed me that I was completely competent to become a teacher of a subject I have been learning for 6 years now (wow...) and assured me that that is definitely what I want to become, but also, He showed me that Jesus' love knows NO boundaries. None. I got to see the rest of my team (who didn't know Spanish) interact with the same people I would interact with and still sharing the love of Christ and building relationships. It was the most beautiful thing. It didn't matter if they knew Spanish or not -- love is its own language. The fact that the Lord makes His love evident to us through everything -- even when we cannot communicate with one another -- is inevitable.

Like I said before, I ended up not getting to go to summer camp or do Summer Staff that summer. I flew back in to Atlanta from Honduras after a heart-wrenching day of many goodbyes to new life-long friends --you can imagine how much of a mess I was. I'm not the best with goodbyes. But I was still excited because less that 24 hours later, I would be getting on a greyhound bus off to spend a week with students from the high school I lead Young Life at! It was going to be crazy and hectic to unpack, wash clothes,then pack again, all in about 10 hours, but I could not wait!! Once I finally got service after landing in the U.S., my phone had one voicemail from our team leader saying that there weren't enough girls to sign up for camp, so I wasn't going to get to go. That was not exactly the first thing you want to hear after an emotional day/week. I was pretty upset, I'm not going to lie. There was nothing that could have changed it and it wasn't anyone's fault. I simply wanted to be with those Tate's Creek girls and deepen friendships and share God's love with them.

The same thing happened with summer staff. I saw many friends posting on social media about where they were going to be serving and when, yet there I was, bitter and sad and hurt because other people kept getting what I wanted and God wasn't making these big dreams happened like He had promised.

I didn't understand why God would put such big things on my heart at the beginning of the year (to go to Honduras, to go to summer camp, and to do summer staff), yet cause me to hurt so much because only one of those big plans actually happen. I had finally, for the first time ever, said yes to things that I had always wanted to do and allowed God to free me of my chains, then took them away. It was like God was teasing me. I didn't get it.

Until now.

I see now that the Lord was also in that. Coming back to Lexington after Honduras, I had nothing to do since I was planning to be at camp. No work (I had asked off), no school, no roommates (everyone was pretty much out of town), no money (because I didn't have work), and no summer camp. What I did have was a room to myself, a long week of doing nothing, and an empty heart that missed Honduras and was shattered by my dreams. That sounds cheesy, but really. But the Lord did something inside of me that week that I don't think could have happened had I not had the week to myself. I had a lot of alone time to think about my trip, the people there, my passions, and how the Lord transformed me. I also had a week to get a heart check slap in the face from God showing me that I didn't need to be at summer camp with Tates Creek for students to encounter the Lord. Only He did. As much as I selfishly wanted to be there, the Lord showed me that I am not God and I am not going to save those students by any means. God is the only one that can do that. I also got to pray over summer staff and be at peace with not getting in. As much as I wanted to serve at a Young Life camp for a whole month, God showed me that it was going to be okay.

That week of nothing was the best thing for me. I got to see that I don't need to do a billion things and plan all these adventures to experience the Lord and to be brave. Sometimes the bravest thing is actually getting the guts to say YES when your hands are trembling in fear, committing to it, and trying to make it happen. Yeah, sometimes the Lord pumps the breaks and changes your plans, but it is the best thing for you because He knows exactly what you need. It's scary. It's hard. It's upsetting. But when you see that the Lord gives and takes away for your good, it changes your view of God in this tiny box. For me, He gave me tons of opportunities to follow Him. I said yes to them. He took some of those opportunities away, but what I got is so much more beautiful. I got a deeper passion, a heart check, a new view of how Great and All-Consuming our God is. And I figured out what it means to be brave and how freeing that is when you trust God. 

If you've got dreams you want to follow or you want to make something happen, I cannot tell you this enough... DO IT. Trust that the Lord will provide and that He's got it taken care of. Tell your fears NO and go be the person you've always wanted to be -- a free one.

"I knew that if I allowed fear to overtake me, my journey was doomed. Fear, to a great extent, is born of a story we tell ourselves, and so I chose to tell myself a different story from the one women are told. I decided I was safe. I was strong. I was brave. Nothing could vanquish me." -- Cheryl Strayed, Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail

i'm actually here DOING this || Honduras, Part 2

"How was Honduras?" A question that is so tough for me to answer in just a few short sentences. I love the question and I love that people care enough to ask me about my travels, but I can never choose a few specific things to tell the person because everything -- and I mean EVERYTHING -- was amazing. All I'm saying is that if you ask me that question, be prepared for a novel when you signed up for the Spark Notes.

In my last post (which you can read here!), I talked about the wild and crazy adventure of simply preparing for Honduras and the craziness of getting there, but also how the Lord initiated and pushed me to do things I've always wanted to do but have been too afraid to do. Well, that continued even more while I was in Honduras. 

We arrived in Comayagua on Saturday night and got settled in, met everyone, ate, and watched the sweet little kids whose families help out at the mission organization (El Ayudante) sing and danced for us to welcome us! I immediately fell in love. I mean, seriously. These kids were PRECIOUS. It had been a long day of traveling, so we all went to bed fairly early to get some good rest before church the following morning.

Sunday was yet another day of taking everything in and resting. We went to CCI, the church that the people that live at the mission go to. It was so contemporary and great! And it was my first dose of what services in Honduras looked like. It was hard keeping up with the message because I was easing into my Spanish, but luckily we had our friend Elizabeth translating it for us. Later that night, we had church at a small, Pentecostal church right down the road from the mission. We got to meet more kiddos, be introduced to the families that attend that church, AND... are you ready for this... I don't think you are...... LEAD WORSHIP with Tia, and Santos and Rachel (our translators for the week). HAHAHAHAHA WHAT?!?! I literally stood in front of a church and led worship!! It makes me laugh so much because there is not even a slim chance I would do that in the States. Worship was one of my favorite parts from this day though. I got to see that the people of this culture praise God in the very same way that we do. They sing, they dance. It's the same. The same Holy Spirit that is in us is also in them. We all are made in God's image and it was so cool to experience this and feel His Spirit so alive in us all together -- united as one. 

The church in Los Pinos

Every day, from Monday until Thursday, we installed water filters from about 8:30 until 11:30. We drove about 10-15 minutes away to a different neighborhood called Los Pinos that is known for really being untouched terrain. There is one church there that people rarely go to and people are very disinterested to the church. Going there was incredible, though. We would go into every house that had signed up to get a water filter each day with a huge gallon tub, a few bags of rocks, and sifters to get the job done. While waiting to see if the water flowed the right speed, we got a chance to hang out with the families and build relationships with them. We sat down and asked them about their thoughts on the Lord and whether or not they were saved. We got to share with so many families the true love of Christ and present the offer Christ has always been holding out to them of eternal life right then and there. It was as if I felt the Kingdom of Heaven literally coming down. Working and serving the Lord made me rejoice. I was absolutely in my element.

One specific situation really made me take a step back and say, "Man, I love this. So much." We were a little behind doing the water filters one day, so they had me and Anyi, a friend that knows some English and really knows the process of installing filters, go to start on installing a filter at a woman's house. We began talking and I really got to use my Spanish and learn more about the woman. This woman owned a little land in order to grow mango and guayaba and had a little girl that wasn't home from school yet. Once we got the filter installed, we got to sit down with the woman and introduce her to the gospel. Elizabeth, one of the wives that live at El Ayudante and help run it, asked me if I wanted to translate this time instead of one of the translators. Initially, I said, "No, no, no. It's okay. I don't really know very many of those kinds of words in Spanish to translate the gospel." After much hesitation and Elizabeth pushing me and reassuring me that I indeed could do it and if I missed a word, I would have 2 translators sitting next to me to fall back on, I decided to go with it. 

And it was the most beautiful and liberating thing.

I got to see that all along, not only was I putting myself and my potential in a box, but I was doing the same to God. I doubted myself. I let Satan tell me I was unworthy and not good enough to translate the gospel. But low and behold, I DID IT. With ease, too. The woman completely understood what I was saying. I was capable of translating God's Word. And that's when it hit me -- Jesus and Spanish together seriously are my biggest passions and I want to use both of them for the rest of my life. Ephesians 3:14-20 was what I decided to memorize before I went on this trip and I saw first hand verse 20 come to life. 

20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

BOOM 

And what happened afterwards? The woman refused to let me leave without her showering me with gratitude by sharing the fruit she had grown with me. She didn't care that I didn't need it. She solely wanted to show me how thankful she was. That's the Lord's work for ya, y'all. 

So, that was the bulk of our day on Monday through Thursday for the most part. It was beautiful seeing how the Lord can bond people from completely different cultures and show that God's love really doesn't have a language barrier at all and that putting actions with words -- God's Word -- can transform lives, including your own. Everything about Honduras stole my heart: the people, the kids, using my Spanish, the delicious food, the beauty of the mountains, and just experiencing the Lord in ways I never had before. 

Friday was our last "real", full day in Comayagua. This was probably my favorite day because we got to a school and give fluoride treatments and play with the kids. A lot of the children are ones we had already met that lived in Lo de Reina, the same neighborhood the El Ayudante is in. The school was literally a 10 minute walk away. While there, we got to see the workers at El Ayudante give a lesson on hygiene and why it's important. Later on was the fun part -- organizing sack races, painting faces, and distributing MILLIONS of hugs to so many faces that I could pinch off! I mean come on.. they don't get much cuter :)