Encajar // Month 2: March to April

|| e n c a j a r : to fit; to fit in; to belong ||

DISCLAIMER: I GOT A LOT TO SAY. SORRY 'BOUT IT.

I have officially lived in Honduras for 60 days now and I am now officially halfway through my internship here and I am now officially a "llorona", also known as a crybaby, but what's new? Truly, I cannot fathom how two months has already passed. I've never been away from home for more than 3 weeks, and here I am at week 8.5 in a different country feeling like this is home. Tears come to my eyes as I write that. But this is my "hogar" or "home", my "ambiente" or "environment", or like what my tattoo says, my "querencia" or "a place where you are your most authentic self". Honduras has taken up a huge space in my heart the past four years, but sometimes I wonder if I'm actually hurting my heart because leaving after four months as compared to just a week-long trip is probably going to KILL me. Haha -- it's like I brought this pain upon myself. But that's the risk of falling in love with anything -- it's going to hurt sometimes and be hard, but MAN are our lives so much more full of joy because we have the ability to fall head over heels in love with people, passions, and things. We get to enjoy this life rather than being numb to it and being completely incapable of loving. One of my favorite quotes says this: 

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." - C.S. Lewis

One of the biggest things I try to stay wary of while traveling is that I'm not doing it for selfish gain. I want to get involved and be engaged in the culture. I want to absorb the world around me and walk with my eyes wide open. I wrote on an instagram post recently before coming here, "I don't want to travel the world to simply see things. I never want to come back from a place unchanged. I want my heart to break, swell, heal, melt, and grow over and over and over again with each place I set foot. I don't want to get on an airplane or drive somewhere just to take a picture, post it, and check it off my list to say, "I've seen this, this, and this" while waiting for a number of likes to roll in to make others jealous and for my own popularity. I never want to go to a place and not bring it back home with me. I want to remember faces, names, conversations, experiences, food, smells, feelings, heartbreak, everything for that place. I want it to change me and let me see how intrinsic the beauty of the world is and the details God put into everything He created. I want my perspective to always be open to more so there's more room for compassion and understanding to grow in me. I don't want to walk around thinking my way is always the right way. The day I become numb to the need of this world is the day I stop traveling. Enjoying your time and seeing fun things is a benefit -- the fact that God allows us to do that is insane -- but don't hold back from getting lost, interested, enamored with a culture, whether that's in the States or abroad, because it can happen in your backyard or across the world. Let it take your breath away."

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I chose this word -- "encajar" -- as the title of this blog post because I feel as though I have really started to get comfortable and the people here have made me feel like I "fit in", like I am one of them, like I "belong" here. That's what I love about this culture. We call it "calida y acogedor" or "warm and welcoming". My personality is so focused on the people-pleasing type of fitting in, but I feel like I "encajar" in a way where I am accepted and loved right where I am. I don't have to change Casey to be liked. There isn't an expectation beforehand, you just get to BE. And that is exactly what I needed. I am learning to be a confident, independent, strong, find-my-place, unafraid girl, rather than the insecure, play-it-by-ear-depending-on-how-the-other-person-is-feeling, people-pleasing girl I so often can be. I am learning how to take initiative to speak, to not be afraid to share my opinion, but still be quick to listen.

Taking initiative is a VITAL thing I needed to learn. It is important and necessary and it has come up in almost every situation I have been in while being here. Gaining up the courage to give my "two-cents" or opinion to a group of people that live here long-term is necessary, even though I feel like the baby on campus since I'm here for such a short amount of time. Everything in me says, "No, no, no! Don't share your ideas about how a system should work in the Learning Center! You'll be gone in two months, so you don't really have a say!" Or "Don't try to talk to this family in Spanish! You'll just mess up and make a fool out of yourself!" Or if I decide to go out on a limb and visit a family alone, my inner being will say, "You can't do anything alone! You are naive and oblivious and you'll get hurt or do something stupid!" 

Thankfully, I am slowly but surely finding my place. I am realizing I will learn nothing nor will I grow in my faith if I hold everything in, if I always let the person next to me speak up, do something, etc. Instead, only bitterness will grow inside of me if I get annoyed with a certain way things are working. We are human and we shouldn't feel like a burden to have preferences -- that is exactly what makes us different and unique and wonderful. But we can't complain about something if we haven't even tried to do something about it. The ball is in our court and we GOTTA pass it sometime in order to score. We must have courage with a huge side of communication to score, though.

I am trying my best to put this into practice everyday. Whether it be while in the Learning Center and sharing during devotionals, showing a different way of doing a math problem, or explaining why I think creating attendance sheets one way in Excel is more efficient than another way. Or needing to have a conversation when all you want to do is keep everything in because you think your needs are irrelevant. Or getting over your fear and talking to families in Spanish (even though you are afraid of messing up) because you know loving others and building a friendship with them is so much more worth it than looking like a fool and messing up. I try to give my opinion and share my heart in honesty in hopes of helping not in hopes of always being right.


One of my absolute FAVORITE songs is "The Voyage" by Amanda Cook. This song has been so special to me since it came out in 2015 because it put words to what my heart wanted to say, though I could not find the words.

Speak, even if your voice is trembling.

Please, you've been quiet for so long.

Believe, it'll be worth the risk you're taking.

You're afraid, but you can hear adventure calling.

There's a rush of adrenaline to your bones.

What you make of this moment changes everything.

What if the path you choose becomes a road?

What if the grounds you take becomes your home?

The winds are high, but the pressure's off. I'll send the rain wherever we end up. 

Set your sights, sailing far beyond familiar.

In the rising tide, you'll find the rhythm of your heart.

And lift your head -- now the wind and waves don't matter.

I am the wind in your sails.​

Those words are convicting. When I am afraid of speaking up, I feel like throwing up. There is something that comes over me and tells me it is absolutely not going to help whatsoever, that I am useless. I find excuses and justify why my opinions don't matter but bitterness grows in me like WILDFIRE. I am a verbal processor, but I have to gather my thoughts before talking to anyone. But if I don't talk about things, they bubble at the surface and explode. I need to talk, so I am taking the initiative to speak up for myself, stand firm in my preferences and explain myself even when I feel like caving, but also be receiving to criticism. I am open to others being right, but i am finding I hardly ever let myself be right. I have good ideas to offer and I need to share. We must find value in ourselves and speak up. Let's create an environment for listening as well as speaking. I think all of us need to do one or the other or maybe both. The Lord didn't make us timid robots without any preferences. He made us beautiful and unique and fierce, and we need to find our place and not be so afraid to share. I know I need to be reminded of this everyday.

 I love this song too because I when I heard it, I wondered and dreamed that this "path" I am on or "grounds" I am taking of coming to Honduras for week-long trips would eventually turn into a "road" of living here long-term -- that it would eventually "become my home". That I would not be so afraid, even though my "voice is trembling", of telling people this dream, but rather speak outwardly about it to make it a reality and pursue it and "believe it's worth the risk I'm taking". And boy, did the Lord answer a much anticipated prayer. And He is continuing to. 4 months is so SO different than just one week, but four months is not enough. Four months is so short for me. Four months when I want this for LIFE kills me to think about when I head home in June. But I must remember the Lord is "the wind in my sails". HE is the one that will guide me. I am NOT in control. Just like a sail, the wind blow in whichever direction, but the sailor has to take into account the way the wind is blowing and ultimately listen to its direction because the wind is much stronger than the sailor. It's the same for me. I may think I know which way to go and start in one direction, but truly I can't tell the wind "THIS WAY!". I have to listen to the Lord and move my sails to align to His call because He understand my heart and mind and knows best. He sees it all. He is the Captain.

A few fun, big things that have happened this past month are:

• Honduran Culture Seminar in Siguatepeque: One Wednesday I had the opportunity to go to 2 other girls from El Ayudante to a city about an hour away called Siguatepeque for an all-day seminar. We participated in fun activites and gained a better knowledge of how to do mission work in a different country. It was so interesting and helpful. We talked about how the majority of Hondurans are mostly reserved, while the majority of the personalities of missionaries are more outgoing. Hearing those statistics really stood out to me and allowed me to see that we are visitors in this beautiful country, so we must respect each other and understand . We also learned about the importance of learning a language when wanting to going emotionally deep in a friendship. You can only go to a certain depth without knowing the language. Hondurans want to know that they are important enough for you to try to understand them through their language -- which is a HUGE way to show empathy. Getting to be a part of this experience was incredible and I am very grateful to have been able to receive such juicy information in order to help me better improve my ministry.

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• Inauguration of the Learning Center: On March 28th we had a wonderful, huge celebration with the entire community for the official opening of the Learning Center. Honestly, I could go on and on about this day. Inauguration ceremonies here are a BIG DEAL, so naturally there were about 180+ people here for it! We had a time of worship, sharing what this building means to us and what are hopes are for it, as well as a time to eat together. Students, teachers, mayors, pastors, parents, the rotary club, and all of the El Ayudante staff were invited. I had the privilege of getting to share (IN SPANISH! YAY!) how much this building means to me personally, as well as talk about everything that has been happening here since Day 1 -- the tutoring, the computer lab, the scholarship program, etc. It was a joy to get to tell the people of the community that will be using this place that they are worthy of a place like this -- they deserve an education. And now IT IS AVAILABLE. Praise God! Seeing these students grow to love this place, putting in extra hours for their homework, taking ownership of their education and future amazes me. I see HOPE in them and I am so glad we got to celebrate the Lord answering prayers at the Inauguration Ceremony all together. It was beyond sweet.

• Women's Conference with Damaris Carbaugh: You all. WHAT. A. JOY. This woman, Damaris Carbaugh came to El Ayudante for about a week to share her story with missionaries in Comayagua, the women of Lo de Reina, and the women who live up the mountain in La Brea. I cannot explain to you the wisdom that seeps out of this woman. Damaris is Puerto Rican, but has lived in New York for a good amount of her life, so she is bilingual. Let me tell you, this lady is multi-faceted! She can sing, speak (in two languages), write, and make you laugh like NO OTHER. Getting to hear her talk about how the Lord spoke to her and how He has changed her life brought me to tears. She is a humble, wonderful, wise woman of God and her words have a way of convicting you in a loving way. They urge you to leave behind your ways of resisting the Lord, but run fast into His promises. I am so thankful for her taking the time to love on the ladies of El Ayudante and encouraging us to read our bibles because it is food to nourish us.

• Baby Ella Ruth Marshall: On April 5th, my sweet niece was born! My sister was due April 1st and finally had Ella on April 5th. She was 7 pounds, 3 ounces, born at 11:07am. Everything in me hurt that I couldn't be there when she was born, but getting to Facetime my family when she was born was such a gift. This little one was prayed for HARD. I am so glad she is healthy and here! And I can't wait to MEET HER! On the left is one of my students' little girl named Ruth (which is my mom's middle name and helped filled the void of not being able to hold my sweet niece), and on the right is Ella Ruth, my niece, with my mom's middle name! :)

​Getting to be here for a longer amount of time is something I really am so grateful for. But sometimes I get scared. I am terrified that after all of this is said and done, the clarity I have been asking from the Lord will be not coming to Honduras anymore or never living here full-time. I have been so antsy to figure it out and know what's next, because if it were up to me, I would move here full-time tomorrow. But as the past two months have passed, the Lord has been revealing things and bringing some clarity and peace to my wondering.

All along, I have always thought I only had two options. Either to be a high school Spanish teacher in the States or to be an English teacher in Honduras. I know I love Honduras and I know I love teaching Spanish, but everyone here already knows the language, so there is not a need for a high school Spanish teacher. So, to me, I was going to have to make some sort of REALLY tough decision -- to either sacrifice the language I teach or the country I live. And that hurt. While tutoring English in the Learning Center, I have felt, a lot of times, insufficient. Simply put, I am not passionate about teaching English to Spanish speakers. It is a lot easier said than done. But I know I am the nerdy kind of passionate  about teaching Spanish. I love verb conjugations -- that's it. It's weird, but I thrive when I teach Spanish. So this left me in a spot of anxiety, wondering what the whole point of being an English tutor in Honduras was for. 

Well, one day, I was asked to help tutor another missionary here on campus in Spanish so he could get better at speaking. I jumped at the opportunity because I felt like the whole in my heart to teach what I love had been depleted. After tutoring once, I felt FILLED. There was an overwhelming joy that I felt, unlike anything I can explain. I saw an alternative to how God could use me here -- how I could live in Honduras AND teach Spanish. It would look different than how I expected, but I could possibly encourage and empower missionaries in deepening their relationships with Hondurans THROUGH teaching Spanish! It all clicked! It made sense that maybe the Lord wants me to be a Spanish teacher to missionaries one day. That doesn't mean I'd only be interacting with English-speaking missionaries. If I lived here, my time could be used in multiple ways. I could teach Spanish to missionaries, teach English to Spanish speakers, and serve as a translator for week-long teams here. Now, I'm not saying I have it all figured out, but that day I really feel like the Lord answered a prayer by revealing to me that my dreams of living in Honduras AND teaching Spanish CAN BE fulfilled. He fills my soul again and again with never-ending hope and He always keeps His promises.

As I reach this halfway point on my internship here, I see myself coming out of my shell, taking initiative, and adapting better, and fitting in. I am going deeper with students and families. I am challenging myself to have longer conversations with Spanish speakers rather than nervously saying "Buenos dias! Como esta?" in passing. A part of the Honduran culture is not being on a time constraint. Relationships are more important here, and that takes getting used to, but the more I practice this custom, the more I see my relationships grow, my language skill grow, and ministry grow. A part of me cannot believe I have already been here for 60 DAYS, but other parts of me feel like there's so much more I could do and 60 MORE DAYS is not enough. I am so thrilled to finally be underway with all things in the Learning Center. As time goes on, we find more a more efficient technique of doing things, so I'm glad to be a part of making it easier for the next tutors that come and help here.

This week is Semana Santa or Holy Week, so from today until Sunday is considered vacation. I am grateful that literally right at the halfway mark of my time here there is a time to pause and remember the sacrifice and victory of our Lord Jesus Christ. God knew I needed time to reflect, I think. He knows me well. As we unwind this week and spend time focusing on fellowship, I pray to be reminded of gravity of all Jesus did, but how triumphant Him conquering the grave is. It is because of that sacrifice I get to even be a part of ANY of this. Grace upon grace. Mercy upon mercy. What a good Lord we serve that sent His one and only Son so that we may be reconciled to Him. I want to remember that this week -- and always.

      

       

Lord, thank you. Thank you for making this all possible. Thank you for the people that have joined me in this, who have truly linked arms, had my back, picked me up when it felt impossible, encouraged me, prayed for me, supported me, and loved me through this -- those people have allowed me to validate my dreams which shoved me to pursue them. Without those people I wouldn't be here. I would be stuck in my head wondering what if and too afraid to go after something for thinking I am crazy and it is impossible. Lord, thank you for putting those people, who are so much more than just people, but dear, dear friends, in my life. Thank you that you implanted this dream and passion inside my heart. You knew what my life would look like since I was born. You knew the steps to win my heart and woo me with your love, but also how you would use a different language to allow me to experience you on a whole other level -- through relationships, meanings of words, culture, and seeing that you are the same God in every country in the world. Though we might celebrate your mercy and worship your sovereignty in different ways, you are the same. And you love us. Lord, thank you that I have the privilege to see this firsthand. Thank you for Honduras, for Comayagua, for Lo de Reina, for El Ayudante, for the Centro de Aprendizaje, for 4 years of history here, and for the people I get to work alongside. I couldn't have written a better story for my life, and I'm so glad I'm not the one writing it. You are. Thank you for being the Author. Amen.

PRAYER REQUESTS
That the Lord would continue to bring clarity to my future/purpose with Honduras
Continue to deepen relationships with students

For students to see/value/take ownership of their education

For 1 specific student who may be dropping out of school due to learning disabilities and health issues

For me to not be greedy or lazy with my time or procrastinate, but give all of my energy away

To show love and grace when I want to be self-justifying 

a c o s t u m b r a r s e // Honduras 2017 Month 1: February to March

Acostumbrarse // Month 1: February to March

Just your typical day downtown..

|| acostumbrarse: to get used to; to become used to; to become accustomed to ||

My time here thus far has been, honestly, not everything that I thought it would be. Not in a bad way nor a good way. It truly has been a roller coaster -- of (literally) every emotion, adjusting, understanding, learning, and failing. My past with Honduras looks completely different with my present in Honduras. My trips in June 2014, June 2015, and June 2016 grew my craving for this place more and more every single time, but those week-long trips look completely different that living here. Being here for week-long missions team trips set up the perfect stage to fall in love with a country quickly. Those trips include everything pretty much being taken care of for you. You don't have to go grocery shopping, you don't have to cook, you don't have to clean, you are constantly around your team, you always have something to do, everything is already paid for, and if there is a conflict within a relationship or if you miss someone, the end is near.. you'll be home at the end of the week, so it's a quick and easy cop-out. You have translators and people on staff to keep you safe and tell you what you should and shouldn't do. You don't realize how "spoiled" you are until you're on the other side of it all. That's how it is for me. Most of the days on week-long mission trips look like waking up to breakfast being made for you, getting dressed, going to install water filters and talking to families, someone driving you back to the mission house, eating a wonderful, already prepared lunch, drinking a mid-day Coke in a rocking chair, going to a house to pour a concrete floor or build a house or install a latrine, going back to a beautifully done dinner, showering, playing cards with your team, joking around, and going to bed. 

Cooling off at the river w/ one of the teams

That is my familiarity. But now it's all so different -- in a good and hard adjustment way. Now my days are mostly spent within the walls of the El Ayudante campus. I am in the Learning Center from 8am-4pm every Monday through Friday. My 1 open room apartment is within these walls. There are "enough" people to hang out with that live on campus to still have a social life. It gets dark here at 5:30/6:00pm everyday, so by the time I'm finished in the LC, cooking dinner, eating, and resting, it's pitch black outside and I can't go beyond these walls by myself. I have a roommate and we cook almost all our meals (which is a huge change for me because I am TERRIBLE at cooking). I have a lot of "alone" time. If I want to cry, be alone, or am frustrated, I feel like I have no where to go (which is good and bad for me -- sometimes you need your space, but other times I can hide rather than letting others know what's up). Not that I don't feel comfortable around the people her either, but I am an emotional person who doesn't like to cry in front of others, so the struggle is real. ;) Usually I'm speaking in Spanish while teaching English, but it isn't always a conversation since it's teaching -- I could go the whole day not having been corrected on something I said wrong. I miss my family and friends. I'm starting to get homesick. 

But I'm so used to the majority of my time here being off-campus. I'm usually installing water filters or mixing concrete all day. I'm so used to living in the mission house -- a giant room full of 20+ bunkbeds. I usually have a team of 12 other friends with me, always giving me someone I know well available to talk to. It would still get dark early, but there wouldn't be a desire to go off-campus since that's where I spent most of my day. I never had to cook one meal, clean a bathroom, or felt the need for alone time or wanted to hide while I was frustrated because I was close to everyone I was around. Every time I spoke Spanish, it was a discussion and the other person had the opportunity to tell me I said something incorrectly, which is how I learn best. I mean it when I say everything seems the opposite of life as I've known it here. I knew some of these things would look this way, but still. It's been different and hard and an adjustment this first month, but hear me when I say it has been GOOD.

Installed water filters up the mountain and stopped here to eat our lunches.

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Now, I'm not saying AT ALL that I haven't loved my time here. It was be a huge understatement to say it has been incredible. But, truly, it has been harder that I planned. It has been so much adjusting and processing that my mind feels fried. At the end of the day, I want to just veg out, even though I haven't "hung out" with anyone. Every single day, I am seeing how completely insufficient I am compared to Christ. I am weak. I am so weak. I like to think with my prideful, big, boastful mind that I can do it all and I have everything under control, but that is not even close to it. I do feel insufficient compared to Christ, which is a good thing to realize, but there has been this resounding lie from the Enemy that I AM INSUFFICIENT. It is a lie I have been listening to. Insufficiency in a sense that I have nothing good to offer and I am a failure. Compared to Christ, that statement is absolutely true. He is all-powerful. He is able to change hearts and minds, not me. He is in control and able to do all things. But this kind of insufficiency is crippling. I have found myself, more often times than not, doubting myself, my capabilities, my heart, thinking I am a failure. 

The past three weeks of working in the Learning Center has taught me so much. There are 55 students (grades 7th-12th) in the scholarship program who have been sponsored by people in the States. Through this program that El Ayudante (the mission I am working with) created, students have received help paying for their books, uniforms, and school supplies to allow them continue their education because about 50% of these students don't continue school past the 7th grade. One of the rules for these students is that they must spend 2 hours in the Learning Center receiving tutoring each week. My co-tutor Josue has been a gift. It is so cool to see the hand of God in putting us together to work as a team. He is so great at Science and Math. As for me, I am TERRIBLE at those things, but English and Spanish are my specialty, and luckily that was a need in the Learning Center. Josue is completely bilingual and is from Comayagua, but like anyone, teaching English while explaining in Spanish is no easy feat. I am so thankful for how perfectly our gifts go hand in hand. He is so patient with me as well -- something that I need so, so badly. This past month has been a process of using my Spanish more and more, therefore, coming out of my shell and not leaning on the crutch of using English with others that are bilingual. Josue has allowed me to practice often, learn more, and speak sentences slowly without feeling embarrassed or rushed. If I mess up, he kindly will correct me and explain things to me. That is something that I so needed, so he has been a huge help in this past month, as well as an incredible friend when I've doubted myself, encouraging me to keep trying.

Pretty soon this baby will be up and running! I cannot wait!

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I have doubted my ability to speak Spanish. I have doubted my ability to teach English to students. I have doubted my ability to be what people need/want me to be here. I have felt rejection in many forms -- not because of others being hurtful, but mainly because of the lies I have let myself believe. I know Spanish. I've studied it for 8 years in school. But nothing tests your ability more than being completely submerged in a culture, constantly speaking the language. What I have learned is that despite those 8 years of studying Spanish and literally having a Bachelors degree in the language, I have so much to learn. So much. I keep reminding myself of my rockstar of a softball coach who told us, "Practice doesn't make perfect. Practice makes permanent. So, make sure you're practicing the correct things." Thanks, Mr. Fookes, because that applies to so much. So many times I have wanted to just tap out, give up, and crawl into my hole of embarrassment because I convince myself that when I speak no one can understand me thinks I barely know Spanish. Or if I can't hear something and I ask them to repeat what they said and they respond back in English, I get embarrassed because I assume they think I don't know Spanish. But the frustration and the beauty of learning languages is a paradox. There is this cycle: Learning - Practicing - Failing - Embarrassment - Giving up - Getting mad that you don't try - Practicing. It is hard to push and challenge yourself to keep speaking and practicing when you know you will absolutely get embarrassed and fail, but it is HUMBLING. I have to make a choice everyday - will I put myself out there and try or will I give up and avoid people so I don't embarrass myself? If I choose the latter, I will miss out on using my passion, getting better and perfecting my speaking skills, and I will miss out on incredible relationships I could have built here. So, everyday I am trying to remind myself to strip myself of my pride and fear of embarrassment, because it is a sacrifice for the Lord.

Students spending extra time tutoring

Our mixed group on Monday afternoons

15 9th graders who showed up on time!

9 extra students showed up!

The first week here, I felt this deep desire from the Lord: I didn't want to leave this place with any leftover energy I could have used here. I wanted to leave Honduras EXHAUSTED. And I am feeling it. I feel mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually depleted in need for the Savior to replenish and nourish my every need. And the hope is that HE DOES and HE WILL. He has blessed this ministry so much and there have been exciting baby steps to seeing the Learning Center grow and mature. I am here for 4 months. That's longer term than I have ever been here, but truly, that is not very much time. I am simply a short-term catalyst for the growth and raising of the walls of the Learning Center. And I hope and pray that when the Lord wants to use me somewhere, I am not selfish with my skills, my time, and my resources. 

Although the new Learning Center building is not quite finished yet, tutoring has been up since February 20th. 3 full weeks with these students has been so sweet and seeing the things we are teaching and helping with STICKING with them is rewarding. The first week with them was giving them an overview of their role as scholarships students. Almost all of the kids had never had tutoring before, so with the Learning Center, we are trying to break a cycle. A stereotype. A way of thinking. We are training these kids to take responsibility for their learning, even though some of their parents don't value education for them. The history of this area is a generational stigma of not seeing the importance and opportunities with more education. Our hope is to equip and empower, rather than enable these families. Since tutoring was practically nonexistent before this, we had to explain to students that we are here to help with their homework or school projects or whatever subject they don't understand, but they HAVE to bring their books and notebooks, otherwise we won't know what they're working on. Not until this past week did I feel like students were actually getting it. We have 10 computers and the majority of the students don't even know how to use them. But everyday, they are showing up. Each scholarship student has a specific day that they must attend tutoring with those in the same grade as them, but any other time they need help, they are allowed to come to use computers, ask for extra help, etc. And this week they came. They showed up. It makes me cry the happiest tears.

And then, on top of it all, Josue and I went to the schools nearby to explain the purpose of the Learning Center and that all students can come with their grade, even if they aren't in the scholarship program. We had NO idea what we were in for. Just this week, it blew up. On Monday morning, we had all the 7th-grade students except for 2 missing, and then in the afternoon, we had our third week of perfect attendance with our mixed group. On Tuesday, we had 15 9th-graders show up ready to learn and ALL on time (4 of them not being in the scholarship program, just coming voluntarily to learn)! On Wednesday, we had 2 new students come and 3 students come other times during the week for extra help. Thursday always seems up in the air for us because we have 2 students that have to come, but they hadn't been coming the past 2 weeks. So, this week we were in for a surprise. EIGHT (yes, 8!) STUDENTS showed up for tutoring optionally and the other two who are in the program finally came!! Friday, two students were absent, but 4 new students voluntarily showed up, one of those students being a dear, dear friend to me who I met my first trip to Honduras, Mileny. Then there's another student who has showed up EVERY SINGLE WEEK and he isn't even in the scholarship program, he just wants to learn. 

Mileny - 2017.

Mileny, Helen, & Camila - 2014.

The family - 2016.

These numbers might not be a huge deal to you, but they are big victories to us! This is just the beginning. One of my favorite things about being a part of all of this is the relationships. It always has been. But this time it is relationships past, present, and future. Some of these students I met 3 years ago when we involved water filters in their houses and now they are my students. I get to see them 2 hours or more every single week for the next 12 weeks remaining here. Some of these students I have never met before, but now I will know them forever. These 55+ students will always be apart of my life, whether that is physically or in my prayers or both, now I know them. Now they are a part of my life and a relationship is building. I pray that relationship is one that breaks down walls in the classroom, in their hearts, and with their God. It is such a joy to know some of these students prior to these 4 months and already have a foundation of friendship with them. I desire for the Learning Center to be a safe place, an encouraging place, a place of lifting each other up and empowering each other, but even more so a place of learning about God. Everyday, Josue and I will share one Proverb a day, both in English and Spanish, explain it, and then read and translate word-for-word the English version. We want these kids to understand the Lord's heart for them and explaining how the discipline of the Lord is out of love so they can grow in wisdom and maturity. It is a beautiful thing getting to love on these students through teaching them English and Spanish, but also through Scripture. God is breaking down walls in the classroom and in hearts -- mine included.

The work here is not close to being finished yet, but I am so glad it isn't up to Josue and I to do all the work because the Holy Spirit is going to work in the students much more than we will. A part of being a tutor here feels like hugely like being a Young Life leader, which I love. Getting to invest in students, use Spanish, teach, create an inclusive and equal environment, and build relationships are the things I am passionate about and all of those coming together in my favorite place makes me happy dance and cry and thank the Lord over and over and over again for this opportunity and for YOU. YOU - the person who is reading this.. because you are supporting me, loving me, there for me, and helped make this all possible. I still can't believe. Thank you for trusting the Lord with this and helping a girl go to a country she love to do what she loves. I have the most incredible people in my life. I love you all. 

This place is so special and so dear to me. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid that after my time here, the Lord will close this chapter in my life. I'm scared He'll tell me I won't live here or I won't come back for a very long time because I need to do other things first. Every part of me wants to live here. I ache for it in my bones. But if the Lord asks for my obedience, I must sacrifice my longings and desires for Him. If the next steps after this doesn't involve Honduras, it will break my heart, but I will listen. The Lord knows what is best and His discipline brings maturity and wisdom and selflessness -- everything that I desire. It will be hard, but I will listen because He is faithful to keep His promises. 

"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." 

 - Psalm 139:23-24.

" Examine, oh Dios, y sondea mi corazon; ponme a prueba y sondea mis pensamientos. Fijate si voy por mal camino, y guiame por el camino y guiame por el camino eterno." 

- Salmo 139:23-24.

The INCREDIBLE view + sunrise from my kitchen window! :)

​

PRAYER REQUESTS

Feelings of insufficiency/encouragement to keep trying and that I AM enough
For students to see and understand the value in their education/to take ownership of this
Deepened relationships: with students, with staff, and to not be afraid to make other friends
Sacrifice my flesh to serve with all my energy and grace
Distraction, jealousy & comparison of others

For God to check my motives and work in me to trust Him with the next step

.

all else fails

"When all else fails, ______________." I think that's how it goes. Fill in the blank with whatever it may be. When something lets you down, do _________, be ___________, or *insert any verb here* _________. We always fill our lives with things that will make us feel better or will make us happy when everything else fails us.

In the Christian community, I think we subconsciously live this life without knowing it. We know who our Redeemer, Savior, Prince of peace is, yet He isn't the One we go to first. It's in our human nature to take control. We might as well say, "When all else fails, give it to God" when we should be saying, "Because all else fails, I give it to God" because He never will fail us.

I'm learning this the hard way, like I always do.

If I'm being honest, the past month has sucked. It has brutally sucked. Things have gotten really hard. The holidays are always hard for my family and I especially since losing my mom. Nothing ever seems easy during the holidays. My mom would make all the food on Thanksgiving, recruit people to clean up the house, set the table, yell at us to get our grimy, taste-testing fingers out of the mashed potatoes, and still manage impress us with her superpowers and make everyone laugh in the act.

Christmas was always incredible. After Thanksgiving, her and I would set up the tree together and she would yell at me to turn off my "Shrek the Halls" CD. My mom did all the shopping and also somehow made me believe in Santa Claus until I was 14 (that's right, people.. I believed in Santa until my 8th grade year, but I was stubborn and had to find out for myself!). Christmas Day, my dad would make breakfast and then we'd open gifts at like 1:00pm because my brothers never woke up early. Every person got a gift. No one was forgotten. Everyone felt loved because we had one hell of a mom that put so much effort into making us feel special. We would hang out for the rest of the day and just spend it together, lazily.

December 31st is my birthday. My mom was always one to give a gift to her kids instead of just money. No matter how old we were, there was always a cake. She was the best at making cakes. She would find new designs or decorations in baking magazines and try them out for us and, at least for me, make me take a picture with it while sitting on the same old, rickety kitchen table for years. In no way here am I saying that my siblings and I were spoiled (even though all my other siblings say I was because I was the youngest), but we were shown our worth and how much we were loved and cared for because our mom gave her best for us to know that.


Since Mom passed away, nothing has really felt like that. And I know, nothing ever will feel the same after losing a family member, that's for sure. But Thanksgiving is never at my dad's house anymore; for the past 3 years it has been at my sisters'. Christmas is hell for me. My dad doesn't like to shop so he just ends up giving us money. There's no magical feel to Christmas morning. We don't do breakfast anymore. Last year and this year we had dinner at my sister's and just hung out. My brother Timmy and his husband Brady came in town from South Carolina and made amazing food. I am so thankful that I still get to spend time with my family and for a sister that so ungrudgingly gives up her home for us to be together. My Christmas looks different. We're adapting and changing and it hurts. Nothing feels right without my mom here. Christmas isn't only hard for those reasons, but also my family members have different ways of healing and coping my mom's passing that aren't always the healthiest, leaving my family broken in some ways and leaving my heart bitter.

This year and last year my friend Emily and I threw a New Years Eve/Birthday party. Last year was my 21st birthday and everything went wonderfully. I felt loved and known by my friends. It was real special. This year the party didn't go as smoothly as I had planned due to the speakers for the dance party not working for 2.5 hours of a 4 hour party. I was really bummed out. I cried of frustration in my friend's room because I was lost and I wanted everyone to have fun.

Reflecting on this party this year, I felt mad and frustrated because I put so much into it, but deep down I wanted this party to make up for the crappy past month I have had. I put my all into trying to please others with this NYE/Bithday party as a means of feeling better about my family letting me down, Christmas & Thanksgiving never feeling special, and also freaking out about what I am planning to do after I graduate. This fun party (including a ball drop, a dance party, sparklers, might I add :) -- haha!), was going to make me feel better about everything that had gone wrong and made me upset.

I filled my blank with "have the best NYE/birthday party ever". And needless to say, it let me down.

I'm not saying the whole party was a bust. I'm not saying I didn't have fun at all. But what I am saying is this party that I put so much time, effort, and money into, that I thought would temporarily mask all the pain I was feeling, that I thought would make me feel better, ended up letting me down. It didn't satisfy me or make me feel whole by any means. If anything, I felt more upset thinking that people didn't have fun because music wasn't playing for 2.5 hours. How silly is it that I need to remind myself that 2.5 hours of no music is not the end of the world. Even if nothing had gone wrong with this party, I still wouldn't have felt full. I still would have a broken family that would upset me again. I would still be worried about what all my friends thought about the party, and I still would have been freaking out about something else. Nothing is ever going to be perfect.

We have messy lives. We don't have families out of ABC family movies. We don't have Christmases like we would dream. We don't always have Thanksgiving like we see on the front of cooking magazines. We live in a world of hurt and pain and loss and disappointment and let downs. We know that. We're human; we've experienced that.

So what? What can we do about it? We can't change anything?

It might be true that we can't change what happens, but we can change where/what we put our hope in. We can change how we react to things. We can remember what really matters. We can change how we fill our blanks.

Instead of "If all else fails, I'll throw a NYE/Birthday party to make me feel better", I should have said, "Because all else fails, I will give it to God because He doesn't fail."

Don't go to God when everything fails. Go to Him in all things. He doesn't fail. He satisfies. He is the true meaning behind Thanksgiving (he gave me all the things I am thankful for), Christmas (Jesus being born to save the world is what it's all about), and my birthday (He breathed me into existence. He has graciously given me 22 years of healthy life). He is the reason behind it ALL. Don't let Him be the effect to a stupid cause in your cause and effect equation. Make Him the cause. Everything will let you down, but the Lord won't. Make Him the foundation of all you do and all you are because then, in the midst of chaos and imperfection, you are able to have peace.

The holidays will always be hard and different than the norm for me. This past month, I feel like I have taken one blow after another. But I am learning the hard way that putting all your hope into worthless things won't bring you joy -- only Christ's love will. I am so thankful that holidays are about so much more than everything being perfect. If it were that way, I would NEVER meet those expectations. But our God is a living God and knows what we're dealing with. I am so thankful that HE is the firm foundation of it all. That HE is the center. That it is all about HIM. Don't run after parties or things to fill you up and to make you feel better -- run to HIM.

Not only is is all about Him, but also when we run to worthless things rather than Him, He shows us grace upon grace upon grace. He forgives us. I'm so glad that I'm not good enough.

So this year, in 2016, I am choosing not to fill my blank with Earthly, worthless things. I am choosing not to say, "When all else fails, _______". I am choosing, instead, to say, "Because all else fails, I will give it to God."


... and remember, WE'RE TOO BLESSED TO BE STRESSED

redemption of all.

One of my favorite things about Jesus is that over and over and over again He makes me take a step back a say, "this has to be a joke" or "are you kidding me?!" or my all-time favorite, "this is actually HILARIOUS". He continues to blow me away by all the things He does and He has left me to wear out those phrases lately because He has shown me how sovereign He is and how much He desires redemption, but in the most perfect, intimate ways with us.

Before my freshman year of college ended at UK, I remember sitting in my dorm with my friend talking about doing Summer Staff. I got giddy and ready to be away for a month. Later, I decided to call my dad to see his thoughts on the situation. My dad brought me back to reality and said that he thought it would be best if I worked that summer instead of spending a month volunteering somewhere but not getting paid. I agreed, so I did just that and had my dreams crushed. At this point, I was a Young Life leader and hoped to go to summer camp with students, but it ended up not working out.

Winter break of my sophomore year of college at UK, I decided I wanted to be brave and adventure in 2014, so I made plans to go on my first mission trip to Honduras, apply for summer staff (and actually do it this time!) and most likely go to summer camp with students at Tate's Creek. I had goals and dreams and I was going to do anything to make them happen. I raised enough money and was so excited that things were ACTUALLY falling into place. Then, I received email after email from different Young Life camps I had applied to for Summer Staff saying that there weren't any spots left and that I was on the waitlist. This happened all summer. In late June I headed off to Honduras and tried to not let the frustration of not hearing back from Summer Staff get to me. The day after I got back from Honduras, I was planning on jumping on a bus to go to summer camp. Right when I flew back in to the States from Honduras, I got a call telling me there weren't enough girls signed up for camp and that I wouldn't get to go. I was crushed. Honduras was the best experience, but coming back expecting to spend another week with some of the girls you love the most and finding out you won't get to just hurts. So I continued to wait and see if any camp would contact me about doing Summer Staff. I got nothing. The summer ended and I was proud of myself for pursuing the things I wanted to do and taking the necessary steps to get there (something that hardly ever happens for me), but I was crushed on the inside. I felt as though God was calling me to step out of my comfort zone, try and make these things happen, doing that, then not getting what you wanted and tried so hard to get. I hated it. I had the time of my life in Honduras and overall an amazing summer, but through a lot of disappointment, I got to see that I don't have to do everything/have a jam-packed summer to experience the Lord. 

Then there's this year -- my junior year of college at UK. I applied to Summer Staff early so the chances of me getting in were the highest they could be. Not long after that, I was accepted to do Summer Staff in the Dominican Republic -- a place where I can speak Spanish and serve for the mission of Young Life. Unfortunately, I was unable to do it because the dates for Summer Staff were ones I wasn't available for -- I was going to be at summer camp with students. I had to turn down an awesome offer. My application was pushed along to the next camp I had applied to and it was like I was reliving last summer -- camp after camp emailing me to tell me there wasn't anymore spots and I was on the waitlist. My heart was getting worn out from all this crushed hope. A few weeks later, I received an email offering me a Coffee Shoppe position on Summer Staff at Lost Canyon in Arizona! And the dates were right! I cried and I danced and I thanked the Lord that something was actually happening! Meanwhile, my friends that I went to Honduras with the summer before kept asking if I was going again this summer. I was hesitant. Not because I didn't want to go -- I wanted so, so badly to return to the place that I left part of my heart and be able to serve in Honduras again. I was hesitant because I didn't know what other people would have thought. I doubted if I could raise the money again. I was nervous about planning and doing all the things I had to do last year. But the Lord was adamant. I had this crazy gut feeling and I knew this is where I wanted to be and where I needed to be. Through much prayer and thought, I knew this was it. So I said yes to going to Honduras again! I cannot express the deep sense of excitement I have to be back in Comayagua. And on top of that, I will be going to summer camp with students from Tate's Creek this year! 

WHAT. Hold the phone. Yep, that's right. Things that I have been pursuing for 2 years are all happening?! Seriously?! IS THIS A JOKE? Nope, this isn't a drill you all.. it's really happening. I will be going to Honduras, going to Carolina Point for YL summer camp with Tate's Creek students, and doing Summer Staff at the YL summer camp Lost Canyon for 3 weeks this summer. 

The Lord is sovereign.

He redeemed all of the disappointment from the past two summers. He placed hope and perseverance in me to even try to do these things again. I tell ya what, I sure am happy I didn't give up. I'm so glad I applied for summer staff even though I was crushed for 2 summers in a row. I am so happy I decided to stand up for myself and say yes to going to Honduras again. And the fact that I get to be at Carolina Point with Tate's Creek girls while they experience the best week of their lives puts me in complete awe. The Lord showed me so much the past 2 summers and the plans that didn't work out were the best for me, but God still knew my heart. He knew I still wanted to be able to do these things and He so graciously allowed them all to take place. He redeems all.

Did I mention too that while I'm in Honduras, I will get to meet the person that runs Vida Joven (Young Life in Spanish-speaking countries) in Comayagua? Yeah, that's real life!! I can't believe these things are coming together pretty well. We serve an awesome God that doesn't forget out prayers. Sometimes they don't happen when we want them to or when we think it's the best time or sometimes even at all, but that's because He has a better plan. 

If you feel worn out from things not going your way or working out, please, please persevere. Check your heart over and over again to see if you have the right motives. If you do, I urge you to persevere. God will honor that part of your character. He might do something completely different, but He will always ALWAYS give you what you need. He provides abundantly. Don't throw your dreams away. 

"And my God will supply all your need according to His riches in Christ Jesus. Now to our Father be the glory forever and ever! Amen." - Philippians 4:19-20.

If you are interested in donating for these adventures, click here: http://www.youcaring.com/mission-trip-fundraiser/send-casey-to-honduras-and-lost-canyon-/338230#.VTFyJ_0kZIc.facebook