"When all else fails, ______________." I think that's how it goes. Fill in the blank with whatever it may be. When something lets you down, do _________, be ___________, or *insert any verb here* _________. We always fill our lives with things that will make us feel better or will make us happy when everything else fails us.

In the Christian community, I think we subconsciously live this life without knowing it. We know who our Redeemer, Savior, Prince of peace is, yet He isn't the One we go to first. It's in our human nature to take control. We might as well say, "When all else fails, give it to God" when we should be saying, "Because all else fails, I give it to God" because He never will fail us.

I'm learning this the hard way, like I always do.

If I'm being honest, the past month has sucked. It has brutally sucked. Things have gotten really hard. The holidays are always hard for my family and I especially since losing my mom. Nothing ever seems easy during the holidays. My mom would make all the food on Thanksgiving, recruit people to clean up the house, set the table, yell at us to get our grimy, taste-testing fingers out of the mashed potatoes, and still manage impress us with her superpowers and make everyone laugh in the act.

Christmas was always incredible. After Thanksgiving, her and I would set up the tree together and she would yell at me to turn off my "Shrek the Halls" CD. My mom did all the shopping and also somehow made me believe in Santa Claus until I was 14 (that's right, people.. I believed in Santa until my 8th grade year, but I was stubborn and had to find out for myself!). Christmas Day, my dad would make breakfast and then we'd open gifts at like 1:00pm because my brothers never woke up early. Every person got a gift. No one was forgotten. Everyone felt loved because we had one hell of a mom that put so much effort into making us feel special. We would hang out for the rest of the day and just spend it together, lazily.

December 31st is my birthday. My mom was always one to give a gift to her kids instead of just money. No matter how old we were, there was always a cake. She was the best at making cakes. She would find new designs or decorations in baking magazines and try them out for us and, at least for me, make me take a picture with it while sitting on the same old, rickety kitchen table for years. In no way here am I saying that my siblings and I were spoiled (even though all my other siblings say I was because I was the youngest), but we were shown our worth and how much we were loved and cared for because our mom gave her best for us to know that.


Since Mom passed away, nothing has really felt like that. And I know, nothing ever will feel the same after losing a family member, that's for sure. But Thanksgiving is never at my dad's house anymore; for the past 3 years it has been at my sisters'. Christmas is hell for me. My dad doesn't like to shop so he just ends up giving us money. There's no magical feel to Christmas morning. We don't do breakfast anymore. Last year and this year we had dinner at my sister's and just hung out. My brother Timmy and his husband Brady came in town from South Carolina and made amazing food. I am so thankful that I still get to spend time with my family and for a sister that so ungrudgingly gives up her home for us to be together. My Christmas looks different. We're adapting and changing and it hurts. Nothing feels right without my mom here. Christmas isn't only hard for those reasons, but also my family members have different ways of healing and coping my mom's passing that aren't always the healthiest, leaving my family broken in some ways and leaving my heart bitter.

This year and last year my friend Emily and I threw a New Years Eve/Birthday party. Last year was my 21st birthday and everything went wonderfully. I felt loved and known by my friends. It was real special. This year the party didn't go as smoothly as I had planned due to the speakers for the dance party not working for 2.5 hours of a 4 hour party. I was really bummed out. I cried of frustration in my friend's room because I was lost and I wanted everyone to have fun.

Reflecting on this party this year, I felt mad and frustrated because I put so much into it, but deep down I wanted this party to make up for the crappy past month I have had. I put my all into trying to please others with this NYE/Bithday party as a means of feeling better about my family letting me down, Christmas & Thanksgiving never feeling special, and also freaking out about what I am planning to do after I graduate. This fun party (including a ball drop, a dance party, sparklers, might I add :) -- haha!), was going to make me feel better about everything that had gone wrong and made me upset.

I filled my blank with "have the best NYE/birthday party ever". And needless to say, it let me down.

I'm not saying the whole party was a bust. I'm not saying I didn't have fun at all. But what I am saying is this party that I put so much time, effort, and money into, that I thought would temporarily mask all the pain I was feeling, that I thought would make me feel better, ended up letting me down. It didn't satisfy me or make me feel whole by any means. If anything, I felt more upset thinking that people didn't have fun because music wasn't playing for 2.5 hours. How silly is it that I need to remind myself that 2.5 hours of no music is not the end of the world. Even if nothing had gone wrong with this party, I still wouldn't have felt full. I still would have a broken family that would upset me again. I would still be worried about what all my friends thought about the party, and I still would have been freaking out about something else. Nothing is ever going to be perfect.

We have messy lives. We don't have families out of ABC family movies. We don't have Christmases like we would dream. We don't always have Thanksgiving like we see on the front of cooking magazines. We live in a world of hurt and pain and loss and disappointment and let downs. We know that. We're human; we've experienced that.

So what? What can we do about it? We can't change anything?

It might be true that we can't change what happens, but we can change where/what we put our hope in. We can change how we react to things. We can remember what really matters. We can change how we fill our blanks.

Instead of "If all else fails, I'll throw a NYE/Birthday party to make me feel better", I should have said, "Because all else fails, I will give it to God because He doesn't fail."

Don't go to God when everything fails. Go to Him in all things. He doesn't fail. He satisfies. He is the true meaning behind Thanksgiving (he gave me all the things I am thankful for), Christmas (Jesus being born to save the world is what it's all about), and my birthday (He breathed me into existence. He has graciously given me 22 years of healthy life). He is the reason behind it ALL. Don't let Him be the effect to a stupid cause in your cause and effect equation. Make Him the cause. Everything will let you down, but the Lord won't. Make Him the foundation of all you do and all you are because then, in the midst of chaos and imperfection, you are able to have peace.

The holidays will always be hard and different than the norm for me. This past month, I feel like I have taken one blow after another. But I am learning the hard way that putting all your hope into worthless things won't bring you joy -- only Christ's love will. I am so thankful that holidays are about so much more than everything being perfect. If it were that way, I would NEVER meet those expectations. But our God is a living God and knows what we're dealing with. I am so thankful that HE is the firm foundation of it all. That HE is the center. That it is all about HIM. Don't run after parties or things to fill you up and to make you feel better -- run to HIM.

Not only is is all about Him, but also when we run to worthless things rather than Him, He shows us grace upon grace upon grace. He forgives us. I'm so glad that I'm not good enough.

So this year, in 2016, I am choosing not to fill my blank with Earthly, worthless things. I am choosing not to say, "When all else fails, _______". I am choosing, instead, to say, "Because all else fails, I will give it to God."


... and remember, WE'RE TOO BLESSED TO BE STRESSED

redemption of all.

One of my favorite things about Jesus is that over and over and over again He makes me take a step back a say, "this has to be a joke" or "are you kidding me?!" or my all-time favorite, "this is actually HILARIOUS". He continues to blow me away by all the things He does and He has left me to wear out those phrases lately because He has shown me how sovereign He is and how much He desires redemption, but in the most perfect, intimate ways with us.

Before my freshman year of college ended at UK, I remember sitting in my dorm with my friend talking about doing Summer Staff. I got giddy and ready to be away for a month. Later, I decided to call my dad to see his thoughts on the situation. My dad brought me back to reality and said that he thought it would be best if I worked that summer instead of spending a month volunteering somewhere but not getting paid. I agreed, so I did just that and had my dreams crushed. At this point, I was a Young Life leader and hoped to go to summer camp with students, but it ended up not working out.

Winter break of my sophomore year of college at UK, I decided I wanted to be brave and adventure in 2014, so I made plans to go on my first mission trip to Honduras, apply for summer staff (and actually do it this time!) and most likely go to summer camp with students at Tate's Creek. I had goals and dreams and I was going to do anything to make them happen. I raised enough money and was so excited that things were ACTUALLY falling into place. Then, I received email after email from different Young Life camps I had applied to for Summer Staff saying that there weren't any spots left and that I was on the waitlist. This happened all summer. In late June I headed off to Honduras and tried to not let the frustration of not hearing back from Summer Staff get to me. The day after I got back from Honduras, I was planning on jumping on a bus to go to summer camp. Right when I flew back in to the States from Honduras, I got a call telling me there weren't enough girls signed up for camp and that I wouldn't get to go. I was crushed. Honduras was the best experience, but coming back expecting to spend another week with some of the girls you love the most and finding out you won't get to just hurts. So I continued to wait and see if any camp would contact me about doing Summer Staff. I got nothing. The summer ended and I was proud of myself for pursuing the things I wanted to do and taking the necessary steps to get there (something that hardly ever happens for me), but I was crushed on the inside. I felt as though God was calling me to step out of my comfort zone, try and make these things happen, doing that, then not getting what you wanted and tried so hard to get. I hated it. I had the time of my life in Honduras and overall an amazing summer, but through a lot of disappointment, I got to see that I don't have to do everything/have a jam-packed summer to experience the Lord. 

Then there's this year -- my junior year of college at UK. I applied to Summer Staff early so the chances of me getting in were the highest they could be. Not long after that, I was accepted to do Summer Staff in the Dominican Republic -- a place where I can speak Spanish and serve for the mission of Young Life. Unfortunately, I was unable to do it because the dates for Summer Staff were ones I wasn't available for -- I was going to be at summer camp with students. I had to turn down an awesome offer. My application was pushed along to the next camp I had applied to and it was like I was reliving last summer -- camp after camp emailing me to tell me there wasn't anymore spots and I was on the waitlist. My heart was getting worn out from all this crushed hope. A few weeks later, I received an email offering me a Coffee Shoppe position on Summer Staff at Lost Canyon in Arizona! And the dates were right! I cried and I danced and I thanked the Lord that something was actually happening! Meanwhile, my friends that I went to Honduras with the summer before kept asking if I was going again this summer. I was hesitant. Not because I didn't want to go -- I wanted so, so badly to return to the place that I left part of my heart and be able to serve in Honduras again. I was hesitant because I didn't know what other people would have thought. I doubted if I could raise the money again. I was nervous about planning and doing all the things I had to do last year. But the Lord was adamant. I had this crazy gut feeling and I knew this is where I wanted to be and where I needed to be. Through much prayer and thought, I knew this was it. So I said yes to going to Honduras again! I cannot express the deep sense of excitement I have to be back in Comayagua. And on top of that, I will be going to summer camp with students from Tate's Creek this year! 

WHAT. Hold the phone. Yep, that's right. Things that I have been pursuing for 2 years are all happening?! Seriously?! IS THIS A JOKE? Nope, this isn't a drill you all.. it's really happening. I will be going to Honduras, going to Carolina Point for YL summer camp with Tate's Creek students, and doing Summer Staff at the YL summer camp Lost Canyon for 3 weeks this summer. 

The Lord is sovereign.

He redeemed all of the disappointment from the past two summers. He placed hope and perseverance in me to even try to do these things again. I tell ya what, I sure am happy I didn't give up. I'm so glad I applied for summer staff even though I was crushed for 2 summers in a row. I am so happy I decided to stand up for myself and say yes to going to Honduras again. And the fact that I get to be at Carolina Point with Tate's Creek girls while they experience the best week of their lives puts me in complete awe. The Lord showed me so much the past 2 summers and the plans that didn't work out were the best for me, but God still knew my heart. He knew I still wanted to be able to do these things and He so graciously allowed them all to take place. He redeems all.

Did I mention too that while I'm in Honduras, I will get to meet the person that runs Vida Joven (Young Life in Spanish-speaking countries) in Comayagua? Yeah, that's real life!! I can't believe these things are coming together pretty well. We serve an awesome God that doesn't forget out prayers. Sometimes they don't happen when we want them to or when we think it's the best time or sometimes even at all, but that's because He has a better plan. 

If you feel worn out from things not going your way or working out, please, please persevere. Check your heart over and over again to see if you have the right motives. If you do, I urge you to persevere. God will honor that part of your character. He might do something completely different, but He will always ALWAYS give you what you need. He provides abundantly. Don't throw your dreams away. 

"And my God will supply all your need according to His riches in Christ Jesus. Now to our Father be the glory forever and ever! Amen." - Philippians 4:19-20.

If you are interested in donating for these adventures, click here: http://www.youcaring.com/mission-trip-fundraiser/send-casey-to-honduras-and-lost-canyon-/338230#.VTFyJ_0kZIc.facebook

in you death has lost its sting

"Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" - 1 Corinthians 15:55.

I never thought I'd be in the place that I am right now. I never thought there was anything wrong with the way I was dealing with everything. I never thought things were going to get worse than they were, until they did. 

As an 18 year old, losing my mom wasn't easy. Losing someone you love is not easy for anyone. And even though the Lord gave my family and I a year and a half extra with her since she had her first heart attack, nothing in this world could have prepared me for the amount of excruciating pain that was to come. 

When my mom passed away two weeks into my freshman year of college, I was deeply hurting inside. I was at peace with the way everything had happened and that she was finally resting for eternity with Jesus after a year and a half of being in and out of hospitals, having seizures, strokes, heart attacks, and being away from family. She was out of her pain  and I was at peace with that. But what I wasn't at peace with was my emotions.

momma, you are missed every single day.

I had just moved out of my high school's Young Life community and was just entering into UK's college Young Life community. I didn't know anyone super well yet and missed my friends and family back home more than anything. What I wanted more than anything was for other people to see this trial in my life and for them to see that Jesus is with us in our sufferings; that His love finds us in our pain and covers us. 

I always tried to be positive and optimistic about my mom's passing to others, but would never let anyone see me crying or hurting, not even my family. I always felt like I had to be a "good sport" because I thought the more I talked about my mom and how I was aching inside, the more people didn't want to hang out with me. I told myself that I was a burden. I told myself that I should be over it. I allowed Satan to deceive me so much and tell me that no one really cared, so I put up a wall. Whenever I felt upset, I would try my hardest to shrug off my emotions. I became numb to thinking about my mom for fear that I would constantly be upset and no one would want to be around me. I didn't turn to anyone completely. There would be some instances when I talked about it, but I would never fully open up -- I feared being vulnerable and letting others see the deepest scar on me.

Not until about two months ago had I become aware of my fear of letting people know about this part of my life. All of my feelings about my mom and missing her felt like they were creeping back in and hitting me all at once. I hated it because this time there was nothing I could do to avoid it. I didn't have control. I didn't know why all of the sudden I was emotional all the time and would find myself crying in my room alone so often. As I was talking to my friend Emily one day in February, I told her about what I was going through. I came to the realization that I think I never allowed myself to grieve over my mother's death because I felt like I had to be positive all the time. I was afraid to open up because I was afraid of rejection and feeling weak. Not but a week later, I stumbled across an article on Bedlam Magazine's website (which I encourage you to read here: http://www.bedlammag.com/digging-up-the-roots-of-our-emotional-issues/) because the title sounded appropriate for my "emotional issues". Subconsciously, I was desperately seeking anything, anything to solve this, to help me get through this in the easiest, most pain-free way. Little did I know that the article would hit the nail right on the head and be exactly what I needed to hear. First, she started out talking about the book Scary Close by Donald Miller and when shame entered into his life, then she shared a story about when the shame entered her life as well. She talked about how she would push back feelings because she felt as though if she were to even admit that she was upset would be a sign of weakness. 

"Sometimes I allow my pride and the desire to come off as a “good sport” to others rob me of a genuine grieving process. My temporary solution meant to block emotional harm just leads to long-term pain."

Then the next paragraph blew me away. 

"After my family lost my mom, I pushed away my grief for nearly two years until it bubbled to the surface. I felt like I had to be “normal” again, “happy,” so when it finally hit me, I was upset almost all of the time. While my grief will always be a part of me in this fallen world, I allowed it to take over me. But I surrendered and God delivered me from that. He’s so patient with me."

She lost her mom too. She's been dealing with this for 2 years too. She's been pushing away her hurt too. This woman, without realizing it, understood me. She got it. And whether I knew her or not, that was all I needed.

At the end of March, I went on a Spring Break trip with UK's college Young Life to Florida, like I have for the past 2 years of college. What happened during that trip made it so evident to me that Jesus was working through all of this. A new freshman leader that I had met earlier this school year, Madison, was on the trip. I knew she had lost her mom too and I had been wanting to hang out with her. Everything in me wanted to reach out to her and just talk. I was looking for someone to relate with and I was hoping she was too. The conversation we ended up having left me living in freedom. 

In that moment, I realized what I had been looking for for two and a half long years -- someone who made me know that I was NOT alone in this -- was there. I understood that there are people who know what I'm going through. There are people who understand and can relate. And I found the greatest friend in Madison who I can say without a doubt in my mind is brave and will fight hard with me so we know the Truth -- the Truth that Jesus says there is NO sting in death if you live in Christ Jesus.

Jesus continued through that trip that He wanted to take this darkness that I am in and bring it into the Light. Into the hope that Christ died for this. Not only did I find on the trip that Madison could relate, but that another new friend, Mason, was going through the same thing. And so were Kevin and Kayla, our awesome college Young Life leaders leading the talks at club during the trip. And OF COURSE the talks on the trip were all about vulnerability. I couldn't run away anymore. The Lord was shoving me into something, and with much resistance, I had to surrender. The Lord was adamant in what He wanted to show me.

If I learned anything from this Spring Break trip, it was that I am not alone. I learned that there are people who can relate and understand that death is scary and messy and hard. It changes your life. It makes you feel things you never ever want to feel. But I got to see the healing hands of God.

"He is utterly alone in His suffering so that we will never

 have to be alone in ours." 

^^^ from this: (http://tcpca.org/2015/04/01/woman-behold-your-son-behold-your-mother-2/)

God doesn't want us to fight this battle alone. We cannot do it. Literally. We are not the ones that died and rose again and conquered death -- He did. I am not strong enough to do this by myself. And even though I have found people that get it and understand my pain, only having them will still never satisfy. Just talking to them will not supply my deepest need to help me get through this.The only One that knows exactly what I am going through is Jesus. He died on the cross -- no one can say they know that pain. But He can say He knows every pain. I am so thankful we have a Savior who doesn't intend on using hard, heartbreaking things in our lives once and then we move forward, but it is an ongoing process that affects the rest of our lives. It's proof that He never leaves us along in our junk. He wants us to surrender. 

I never thought I'd be in the place that I am right now. I never thought there was anything wrong with the way I was dealing with everything. I never thought things were going to get worse than they were, until they did. But Christ doesn't leave us alone. He doesn't let us bypass healing. I was encouraged by my friend Angie Poston's blog post recently that in Genesis 50 what Satan intended for evil and to harm me, that God will make GOOD. He is taking these ashes and making them beautiful. 

This mourning process sucks and causes me to be all over the place, but God is drawing me so close during this time that I can't help but rejoice. It is necessary.

Missing my mom isn't a bad thing. Talking to people when I'm upset isn't weird. I'm not a burden. These are things that I have to remind myself everyday. It's taken a lot of trembling courage to go through this process. But because I have a God that is so much bigger than this and is my refuge in this storm, I can live and fight to know the Truth and resist Satan telling me otherwise. I would be nothing if it wasn't for Christ's relentless pursuit and patience with me. He's redeeming this and it beautiful.

If you're in the same boat, I want you to know you are not alone. Don't sink back into your shell. Let people see this. Mourning is one heck of a process, but there is beauty through it in Christ. There are people who understand and are going through the same thing, just like me. Take your sweet time, in this moment, and sift through your feelings. Don't look over them. Don't bypass them. Don't shoo them away or ignore them. It may sting for a little while, but just like putting hydrogen peroxide on a wound, the Lord is wanting you to cry out to him, mourn, and give Him your deep lament so you can heal, be restored, and learn to be free. Not free of these feelings, but to freely feel them. Let Him in, friend. Don't be afraid to let your guard down because He knows what He's doing.

"There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,  a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace." - Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.

Please, if you need a friend to walk through this with you, let me know. Or if you want to know more about my story, don't hesitate. Text, IM, or comment below.  You're not a burden and I want you to know that.

i actually DID that || Honduras, Part 3

"I'm a free spirit who never had the balls to be free." -- Cheryl Strayed, Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail

Yes, this is the third post about my Honduras trip... 7 months late. My organization and time management skills may need some help -- so what?! That's beside the point. :)

The initial reason why I split up my posts about Honduras into 3 different ones was because there was a lot of crazy awesome stuff that happened in preparation for the trip, there was a lot of crazy awesome stuff that happened while I was there, AND there was a lot of crazy awesome stuff that I see now after looking back on the trip. Just wanted y'all to get the full effect, ya know? Ha!

Or maybe I just like to talk, but let's ignore that.

Looking back on this past summer, I am just put in absolute awe at how the Lord proved to me that He is in every single detail of our lives. He is all-consuming and I got a perfect example of that. Every part of the prepping, the doing, and the reflecting, HE IS THERE. He was there in the fundraising, in the hesitantly asking my dad, in the praying, in the nerves. He was there in finding my team at the airport in Atlanta, in building awesome relationships, in serving a community, in using my Spanish, in flying on an airplane by myself. He was there when I flew back to the United States and found out I wasn't going to be able to go to Summer Camp the very next day with the school I lead Young Life with, when I didn't get into Summer Staff, when I didn't have a job the week I got back from Honduras because I was supposed to be at camp, when I laid on my bed in Lexington all week unsure of my emotions and feeling useless because I spent a week living and doing things for a greater purpose. He is there when I think about how much I miss those little, brown faces of some of my favorite kids on the planet that are approximately 2, 835 long miles away. He is there when I get restless because all I want to do is something RIGHT NOW where I can combine my two passions: Jesus and Spanish. He is here, right now, and every other time that I look back and sift through how much the Lord provided for me in this trip and how many things He showed me.

God deepened a passion in my heart while in Honduras. I've known since the 2nd grade that I want to be a teacher. I've known since my Freshman year of high school that I want to be a high school Spanish teacher. I found out (and still am) the beginning my freshman year of college that to get there, it's going to take a whole lotta work. Before going to Honduras, I was feeling discouraged and like I wasn't good enough to teach a whole different language to high schoolers. Or that there was absolutely no way that I was cut out to be a teacher in general. But, in God's perfect timing (as always), after Honduras, I was fired up about Spanish and teaching it and using it for God's glory like never before. After three days into the trip, I thought to myself, "HEY, I can do this! I am able to  speak Spanish!" when all along I let the lies and the fear and the insecurities hold me back. Those are the most empowering and greatest victories, aren't they? When God finally shows you that you ARE enough and worthy, so you get to kick Satan in the butt -- Mmm, I love those moments!

The Lord not only showed me that I was completely competent to become a teacher of a subject I have been learning for 6 years now (wow...) and assured me that that is definitely what I want to become, but also, He showed me that Jesus' love knows NO boundaries. None. I got to see the rest of my team (who didn't know Spanish) interact with the same people I would interact with and still sharing the love of Christ and building relationships. It was the most beautiful thing. It didn't matter if they knew Spanish or not -- love is its own language. The fact that the Lord makes His love evident to us through everything -- even when we cannot communicate with one another -- is inevitable.

Like I said before, I ended up not getting to go to summer camp or do Summer Staff that summer. I flew back in to Atlanta from Honduras after a heart-wrenching day of many goodbyes to new life-long friends --you can imagine how much of a mess I was. I'm not the best with goodbyes. But I was still excited because less that 24 hours later, I would be getting on a greyhound bus off to spend a week with students from the high school I lead Young Life at! It was going to be crazy and hectic to unpack, wash clothes,then pack again, all in about 10 hours, but I could not wait!! Once I finally got service after landing in the U.S., my phone had one voicemail from our team leader saying that there weren't enough girls to sign up for camp, so I wasn't going to get to go. That was not exactly the first thing you want to hear after an emotional day/week. I was pretty upset, I'm not going to lie. There was nothing that could have changed it and it wasn't anyone's fault. I simply wanted to be with those Tate's Creek girls and deepen friendships and share God's love with them.

The same thing happened with summer staff. I saw many friends posting on social media about where they were going to be serving and when, yet there I was, bitter and sad and hurt because other people kept getting what I wanted and God wasn't making these big dreams happened like He had promised.

I didn't understand why God would put such big things on my heart at the beginning of the year (to go to Honduras, to go to summer camp, and to do summer staff), yet cause me to hurt so much because only one of those big plans actually happen. I had finally, for the first time ever, said yes to things that I had always wanted to do and allowed God to free me of my chains, then took them away. It was like God was teasing me. I didn't get it.

Until now.

I see now that the Lord was also in that. Coming back to Lexington after Honduras, I had nothing to do since I was planning to be at camp. No work (I had asked off), no school, no roommates (everyone was pretty much out of town), no money (because I didn't have work), and no summer camp. What I did have was a room to myself, a long week of doing nothing, and an empty heart that missed Honduras and was shattered by my dreams. That sounds cheesy, but really. But the Lord did something inside of me that week that I don't think could have happened had I not had the week to myself. I had a lot of alone time to think about my trip, the people there, my passions, and how the Lord transformed me. I also had a week to get a heart check slap in the face from God showing me that I didn't need to be at summer camp with Tates Creek for students to encounter the Lord. Only He did. As much as I selfishly wanted to be there, the Lord showed me that I am not God and I am not going to save those students by any means. God is the only one that can do that. I also got to pray over summer staff and be at peace with not getting in. As much as I wanted to serve at a Young Life camp for a whole month, God showed me that it was going to be okay.

That week of nothing was the best thing for me. I got to see that I don't need to do a billion things and plan all these adventures to experience the Lord and to be brave. Sometimes the bravest thing is actually getting the guts to say YES when your hands are trembling in fear, committing to it, and trying to make it happen. Yeah, sometimes the Lord pumps the breaks and changes your plans, but it is the best thing for you because He knows exactly what you need. It's scary. It's hard. It's upsetting. But when you see that the Lord gives and takes away for your good, it changes your view of God in this tiny box. For me, He gave me tons of opportunities to follow Him. I said yes to them. He took some of those opportunities away, but what I got is so much more beautiful. I got a deeper passion, a heart check, a new view of how Great and All-Consuming our God is. And I figured out what it means to be brave and how freeing that is when you trust God. 

If you've got dreams you want to follow or you want to make something happen, I cannot tell you this enough... DO IT. Trust that the Lord will provide and that He's got it taken care of. Tell your fears NO and go be the person you've always wanted to be -- a free one.

"I knew that if I allowed fear to overtake me, my journey was doomed. Fear, to a great extent, is born of a story we tell ourselves, and so I chose to tell myself a different story from the one women are told. I decided I was safe. I was strong. I was brave. Nothing could vanquish me." -- Cheryl Strayed, Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail

i'm actually here DOING this || Honduras, Part 2

"How was Honduras?" A question that is so tough for me to answer in just a few short sentences. I love the question and I love that people care enough to ask me about my travels, but I can never choose a few specific things to tell the person because everything -- and I mean EVERYTHING -- was amazing. All I'm saying is that if you ask me that question, be prepared for a novel when you signed up for the Spark Notes.

In my last post (which you can read here!), I talked about the wild and crazy adventure of simply preparing for Honduras and the craziness of getting there, but also how the Lord initiated and pushed me to do things I've always wanted to do but have been too afraid to do. Well, that continued even more while I was in Honduras. 

We arrived in Comayagua on Saturday night and got settled in, met everyone, ate, and watched the sweet little kids whose families help out at the mission organization (El Ayudante) sing and danced for us to welcome us! I immediately fell in love. I mean, seriously. These kids were PRECIOUS. It had been a long day of traveling, so we all went to bed fairly early to get some good rest before church the following morning.

Sunday was yet another day of taking everything in and resting. We went to CCI, the church that the people that live at the mission go to. It was so contemporary and great! And it was my first dose of what services in Honduras looked like. It was hard keeping up with the message because I was easing into my Spanish, but luckily we had our friend Elizabeth translating it for us. Later that night, we had church at a small, Pentecostal church right down the road from the mission. We got to meet more kiddos, be introduced to the families that attend that church, AND... are you ready for this... I don't think you are...... LEAD WORSHIP with Tia, and Santos and Rachel (our translators for the week). HAHAHAHAHA WHAT?!?! I literally stood in front of a church and led worship!! It makes me laugh so much because there is not even a slim chance I would do that in the States. Worship was one of my favorite parts from this day though. I got to see that the people of this culture praise God in the very same way that we do. They sing, they dance. It's the same. The same Holy Spirit that is in us is also in them. We all are made in God's image and it was so cool to experience this and feel His Spirit so alive in us all together -- united as one. 

The church in Los Pinos

Every day, from Monday until Thursday, we installed water filters from about 8:30 until 11:30. We drove about 10-15 minutes away to a different neighborhood called Los Pinos that is known for really being untouched terrain. There is one church there that people rarely go to and people are very disinterested to the church. Going there was incredible, though. We would go into every house that had signed up to get a water filter each day with a huge gallon tub, a few bags of rocks, and sifters to get the job done. While waiting to see if the water flowed the right speed, we got a chance to hang out with the families and build relationships with them. We sat down and asked them about their thoughts on the Lord and whether or not they were saved. We got to share with so many families the true love of Christ and present the offer Christ has always been holding out to them of eternal life right then and there. It was as if I felt the Kingdom of Heaven literally coming down. Working and serving the Lord made me rejoice. I was absolutely in my element.

One specific situation really made me take a step back and say, "Man, I love this. So much." We were a little behind doing the water filters one day, so they had me and Anyi, a friend that knows some English and really knows the process of installing filters, go to start on installing a filter at a woman's house. We began talking and I really got to use my Spanish and learn more about the woman. This woman owned a little land in order to grow mango and guayaba and had a little girl that wasn't home from school yet. Once we got the filter installed, we got to sit down with the woman and introduce her to the gospel. Elizabeth, one of the wives that live at El Ayudante and help run it, asked me if I wanted to translate this time instead of one of the translators. Initially, I said, "No, no, no. It's okay. I don't really know very many of those kinds of words in Spanish to translate the gospel." After much hesitation and Elizabeth pushing me and reassuring me that I indeed could do it and if I missed a word, I would have 2 translators sitting next to me to fall back on, I decided to go with it. 

And it was the most beautiful and liberating thing.

I got to see that all along, not only was I putting myself and my potential in a box, but I was doing the same to God. I doubted myself. I let Satan tell me I was unworthy and not good enough to translate the gospel. But low and behold, I DID IT. With ease, too. The woman completely understood what I was saying. I was capable of translating God's Word. And that's when it hit me -- Jesus and Spanish together seriously are my biggest passions and I want to use both of them for the rest of my life. Ephesians 3:14-20 was what I decided to memorize before I went on this trip and I saw first hand verse 20 come to life. 

20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

BOOM 

And what happened afterwards? The woman refused to let me leave without her showering me with gratitude by sharing the fruit she had grown with me. She didn't care that I didn't need it. She solely wanted to show me how thankful she was. That's the Lord's work for ya, y'all. 

So, that was the bulk of our day on Monday through Thursday for the most part. It was beautiful seeing how the Lord can bond people from completely different cultures and show that God's love really doesn't have a language barrier at all and that putting actions with words -- God's Word -- can transform lives, including your own. Everything about Honduras stole my heart: the people, the kids, using my Spanish, the delicious food, the beauty of the mountains, and just experiencing the Lord in ways I never had before. 

Friday was our last "real", full day in Comayagua. This was probably my favorite day because we got to a school and give fluoride treatments and play with the kids. A lot of the children are ones we had already met that lived in Lo de Reina, the same neighborhood the El Ayudante is in. The school was literally a 10 minute walk away. While there, we got to see the workers at El Ayudante give a lesson on hygiene and why it's important. Later on was the fun part -- organizing sack races, painting faces, and distributing MILLIONS of hugs to so many faces that I could pinch off! I mean come on.. they don't get much cuter :)

i can actually DO this || Honduras, Part 1

DISCLAIMER: This post will probably be too long to read and there will be lots of rambling, but bear with me -- I GREATLY appreciate those that do.

What a week. There's so many emotions streaming through me that at times I can't even cry because I don't know what I'm feeling.. But then, of course, there's those other times when the tears come flowing. I guess I should have figured this would happen considering I'm an emotional girl, but that's besides the point.

I'm home. And by home I mean in Kentucky again. And it's hard. Really hard. There's really a part of me that I left in Honduras. I really feel like I'm lacking a part of myself right now. That trip couldn't have moved me any more than it did.

The simple fact that it was by chance that I went to Honduras is completely by the grace of God. Literally. Down to every. single. little. detail. My friend Tia, who both of us would not have considered each other close friends at all, was in my bible study during the year. Last October, she posted a picture on Instagram talking about this mission trip she was going to be going on in June. Me, being the Spanish-obsessed girl I am, sarcastically commented saying, "ARE YOU KIDDING TAKE ME WITH YOU SERIOUSLY HOW MUCH". As much as I seemed all in on this trip from those comments, I was totally just saying that and would have never thought it would be a possibility.. especially because Tia was going with her church 3.5 hours away with a bunch of people I didn't know and I had no money. Tia didn't think I was allowed to go either.

Until about a month later..

In late November, I received a text from Tia really asking me to actually go on this trip with her. At the time, I was super hesitant and thought I couldn't do it. But I said I'd ask my dad over Thanksgiving Break -- I never did. Fear of him saying no got the best of me, because I was certain he would.

In December, I got another text from Tia asking what my dad said. I told her I forgot to ask, when in reality I was too scared to, but told her that I'd talk to him when I was home for Christmas Break. As much as I didn't want to ask him, the Lord was adamant. After much prayer and nervousness, I did it. I ASKED. And to my surprise..... he said YES.

You could have pinched my five times and I still wouldn't have believed it. Yes, he asked me questions to make sure I wasn't just going crazy, but he ACTUALLY said yes when I thought he would give me a resounding NO.

I asked my leader team that I lead Young Life with because I would be getting back from Honduras less than 24 hours before our annual summer camp trip with high school students. I, once again, expected a huge NO. What if there was a delayed flight? What if this? What if that? But, once again, each one of them gave me a huge YES and reassured me that if the Lord had put it on my heart to go to Honduras, He would make a way to get me back in time to make it to summer camp. You best believe there was a huge sigh of relief after that conversation!

It seemed as though every reason or excuse I had (or had thought) would keep me from going to Honduras was completely torn down and there was absolutely no way I could say no.

Except for the money that I needed in order to go.

I fundraised from January until June. Spent so much money on postage for fundraising letters. Figured out a fundraising website that confused the heck out of me. Took time to write thank-yous. Trusted that the Lord would provide for me. It was tough. So much of my lazy and impatient self wanted to give up and say forget it. There were times when I really thought I wasn't going to be able to go and others when I was amazed at the graciousness of my friends and family. It was a rollercoaster of emotions. I felt undeserving and annoying asking people for their money so I could do something I wanted to do, something I am passionate about. But the sweet people in my life proved otherwise. They showed me that you were excited for this big step in my faith and that you wanted to see me go on this adventure, not only to a unfamiliar country, but also on one with the Lord. I had never trusted the Lord financially in such a way before, and I had my doubts, but of course, EVERYTHING was completely covered. Every single penny. I cried, I sobbed, I danced, I laid on the floor in complete awe at the Lord's faithfulness. It was really happening and the Lord really did provide abundantly.

All that was left was to get over my nervousness. I was going to be in a completely different country (something I haven't done in 6 years). On a mission trip (something I've never done). With people who didn't know any Spanish (nor had I ever met them!). I had to fly on a plane by myself (which I've also never done) from Lexington to Atlanta while everyone I was going with on the trip flew from Nashville to Atlanta and I had to try to find them (talk about scary -- that airport is HUGE).

So, yeah. There was a LOT of getting out of my comfort zone and trust put into preparing for this trip. But there was a gut feeling about this, that this was right. And it felt SO freeing not letting Satan hold me back from doing things I've always wanted to do. The Lord took my fear and ripped it to shreds. I was not held back from anything. And that theme carried over into the time I was in Honduras -- but that will be in the next post coming soon :)

"For God did not give us a spirit of fear and timidity but of power and love and self-control." - 2 Timothy 1:7. 

i'm off to new places, today is my day!

Friends, I am absolutely giddy right now! There is so much that has happened since my last post about my ambitions for 2014 (that you can read about here!) that I simply cannot wait to tell you all what has happened since then! Eeeeek! :)

So, as many of you might already know, since listing all of my options for the summer in my last blog post, a completely different opportunity came up! Actually, it was an option since before Thanksgiving, but I just kind of swept it under the rug because it seemed impossible. It was with people I didn't know at all except one person. It was in Honduras. It was a week before Tates Creek (the school I lead at) left for summer camp. I would get back the night before we left for summer camp. I would be flying into Nashville (which is four hours away from Lexington) when I would be leaving Lexington the next morning to go to North Carolina. And the list goes on and on and on of the things that could have held me back from going for it. But there was this gut feeling deep inside me. The Lord was so adamant about this that there was no way I could say no. There was already a passion deep inside of me for Jesus and for Spanish, and this seemed like the perfect combination! I ended up talking to many people (my dad, my sister, my brother, my leader team, my roomates, my best friends, etc) and not one single person said it was a bad idea nor discouraged me from doing it -- even my dad who I thought would be the most against it!! I called the guy in charge of the mission trip and told my situation and that I was interested. A day later, he called me back with a solution - a flight straight into Lexington from Houston that would allow me to arrive in Lexington early evening the night before summer camp! It was literally divine intervention! Fear and doubt crept in and so many times did I want to back out of this uncomfortable, hectic, crazy mess, but God reminded me of how much He had revealed Himself to me through this. Everyone I sought advice from said a hearty yes to it, there was a plane ticket with my name on it making it possible to go on this trip, deep desires and passions, and plenty of friends who began supporting my trip right away through donations and prayer. It was like every excuse I had to say no, the Lord was shutting it down and gave me no choice but to say YES! So, it's true! I will be spending one week from June 14th to June 21st in Honduras serving alongside Riverside Baptist Church with the mission organization El Ayudante to put water filters into homes, giving fluoride treatments, and working with local churches and orphanages - and I will be one of few who know Spanish! Goodness gracious, that makes my stomach drop! I cannot wait to serve in Honduras and be able to use my skills and passion of speaking Spanish to bring glory to our Father and show Christ's love to the people of Honduras. Ahhhh, I CAN'T WAIT!

"All adventure begins with a YES."

Next up, Tates Creek Young Life Camp! We're going to Windy Gap in North Carolina! These high school students have stolen my heart, ya'll. It's almost been a year since I've been placed as a Young Life leader and there have definitely been times where I haven't been motivated or had passion, but I can't explain to you how desperately I yearn for these students to know the fullness of life that Jesus has to offer. I want them to know that it's okay to not be okay and that there is so much more than this world. Gosh. Every summer, though, we go to a camp with students where they get to have the best week of their life and hear about Jesus. It's seriously one of the craziest, funnest, and funniest weeks ever! This will be my first time going to camp as a leader and my first time at Windy Gap also! I can't wait to see how the Lord is going to use me and challenge me on this camp trip! I can't wait to grow deeper with my leader team and with the girls at Tates Creek. Our camp trip is from June 22nd to June 28th! This picture proves nothing but it being a blast!

Windy Gap! How perfect does that look?!

Another thing is I finally applied for Summer Staff on January 14th... Now it's just a waiting game! And I'm growing impatient! Summer Staff allows me to volunteer for a month at a Young Life camp over the summer, free of cost, except for transportation there and back! I've never done it before, but according to many of my great, great friends, it is the best month of their lives, so you could say I'm definitely looking forward to it! Haha! I applied to two camps in Colorado (Frontier Ranch and Crooked Creek) and one in North Carolina (Carolina Point) and would be gone from either July 19th to August 20th or from July 5th to July 26th respectively.  I just found out recently, though, that there aren't any more spots open for Frontier Ranch or Crooked Creek for the jobs I wanted, but I am on the waitlist and there's always a chance of someone dropping. I've been feeling a bit discouraged about not getting in to my first choice, but still hoping I still get in somehow! Whatever happens, I know it will be a life-changing experience! If I were to go to either of the camps in Colorado, I would be able to visit one of my best friends the week before or if I went to the camp in North Carolina, I would be able to visit my brother the week before. Either way, it's a win-win situation! But there's definitely A LOT on my plate for this summer if I do say so myself! I can't wait to be a part of high school students having the week of their life and being able to see their lives be changed.

Crooked Creek!

Frontier Ranch!

Carolina Point! It's not really this cold always! :)

Any of these camps would be such a blessing to me to be able to give back what was given to me through Young Life in high school and now! Thankful for this tool to show how great God really is and how good His people are! :)

Last, but DEFINITELY NOT LEAST, two weekends ago I GOT BAPTIZED again! AHHHH! :) As a baby, I was baptized into the Catholic church but grew never really viewing baptism of importance or even knew what it meant. Ever since I gave my life to Christ my Freshman year of high school at a Young Life camp and learning what it means to walk with the Lord, I've contemplated whether it was necessary or appropriate for me to be re-baptized or not. One night last semester a church service I attended was doing pond baptisms after the service. I was overwhelmed with how much the Holy Spirit was putting it on my heart through the service to be baptized. It was literally this gut-wrenching feeling that I cannot explain. But I let my fears take control of me and define me. "Is this the church I want to do it at?", "Is everyone I want here?", "I have somewhere to go after this, I can't be wearing wet clothes!", and the list goes on and on. I decided not to do it. After that service, I felt more and more regret for not listening to the Holy Spirit. My friend even asked me a few weeks later if I wanted to be baptized with her and I told her no because I over thought the whole situation and chose to think it was about me and not what the Holy Spirit was pulling me to do. How selfish of me?! But then, on January 26th, 2014 at Turning Point Church, the Holy Spirit gave me that gut feeling again. The difference was this time I chose to go for it and declare my commitment to the Lord publicly and let my sin and pain be taken care of! I didn't want fears to control me anymore. I didn't want to hold back what God wanted me to do because I was nervous about what people would think or if it was the right time. The time is NOW and always will be! God met me where I was and didn't ask me to change my life of my circumstances before I came to Him. He wanted me right then. So I said YES... again! You see the repeating pattern here? Funny how He works, huh?

So here I am, washed white by a forgiving Savior when I should still be stained. But there is this intriguing hope, love, and grace that we can't deny. So the question is, will you respond to it? Will you choose to let love in and let Jesus rule your life? I'll tell you what friends, life with Jesus is not limiting. If anything, it's freeing! It's allowed me to say YES to things I've been too afraid of in the past. But this year, I'm putting my past far behind me and allowing Christ to give me new life that I so often overlook.

"If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has GONE and the new has COME!"                                                                                                                           - 2 Corinthian 5:17

Embrace His call and don't let fear control you any more. You are free, for you have life with Christ. No more insecurities. Don't let them tell you who you are, let God tell you who you are. Let your FAITH be bigger than your FEAR.

If you'd like to help a sister out and support me through prayer or donation, click here! I would be completely humbled with any help for these new adventures! Blessed by you! http://www.gofundme.com/6dlxfk 

January was a great month if I do say so myself :)