DISCLAIMER: This post will probably be too long to read and there will be lots of rambling, but bear with me -- I GREATLY appreciate those that do.
What a week. There's so many emotions streaming through me that at times I can't even cry because I don't know what I'm feeling.. But then, of course, there's those other times when the tears come flowing. I guess I should have figured this would happen considering I'm an emotional girl, but that's besides the point.
I'm home. And by home I mean in Kentucky again. And it's hard. Really hard. There's really a part of me that I left in Honduras. I really feel like I'm lacking a part of myself right now. That trip couldn't have moved me any more than it did.
The simple fact that it was by chance that I went to Honduras is completely by the grace of God. Literally. Down to every. single. little. detail. My friend Tia, who both of us would not have considered each other close friends at all, was in my bible study during the year. Last October, she posted a picture on Instagram talking about this mission trip she was going to be going on in June. Me, being the Spanish-obsessed girl I am, sarcastically commented saying, "ARE YOU KIDDING TAKE ME WITH YOU SERIOUSLY HOW MUCH". As much as I seemed all in on this trip from those comments, I was totally just saying that and would have never thought it would be a possibility.. especially because Tia was going with her church 3.5 hours away with a bunch of people I didn't know and I had no money. Tia didn't think I was allowed to go either.
Until about a month later..
In late November, I received a text from Tia really asking me to actually go on this trip with her. At the time, I was super hesitant and thought I couldn't do it. But I said I'd ask my dad over Thanksgiving Break -- I never did. Fear of him saying no got the best of me, because I was certain he would.
In December, I got another text from Tia asking what my dad said. I told her I forgot to ask, when in reality I was too scared to, but told her that I'd talk to him when I was home for Christmas Break. As much as I didn't want to ask him, the Lord was adamant. After much prayer and nervousness, I did it. I ASKED. And to my surprise..... he said YES.
You could have pinched my five times and I still wouldn't have believed it. Yes, he asked me questions to make sure I wasn't just going crazy, but he ACTUALLY said yes when I thought he would give me a resounding NO.
I asked my leader team that I lead Young Life with because I would be getting back from Honduras less than 24 hours before our annual summer camp trip with high school students. I, once again, expected a huge NO. What if there was a delayed flight? What if this? What if that? But, once again, each one of them gave me a huge YES and reassured me that if the Lord had put it on my heart to go to Honduras, He would make a way to get me back in time to make it to summer camp. You best believe there was a huge sigh of relief after that conversation!
It seemed as though every reason or excuse I had (or had thought) would keep me from going to Honduras was completely torn down and there was absolutely no way I could say no.
Except for the money that I needed in order to go.
I fundraised from January until June. Spent so much money on postage for fundraising letters. Figured out a fundraising website that confused the heck out of me. Took time to write thank-yous. Trusted that the Lord would provide for me. It was tough. So much of my lazy and impatient self wanted to give up and say forget it. There were times when I really thought I wasn't going to be able to go and others when I was amazed at the graciousness of my friends and family. It was a rollercoaster of emotions. I felt undeserving and annoying asking people for their money so I could do something I wanted to do, something I am passionate about. But the sweet people in my life proved otherwise. They showed me that you were excited for this big step in my faith and that you wanted to see me go on this adventure, not only to a unfamiliar country, but also on one with the Lord. I had never trusted the Lord financially in such a way before, and I had my doubts, but of course, EVERYTHING was completely covered. Every single penny. I cried, I sobbed, I danced, I laid on the floor in complete awe at the Lord's faithfulness. It was really happening and the Lord really did provide abundantly.
So, yeah. There was a LOT of getting out of my comfort zone and trust put into preparing for this trip. But there was a gut feeling about this, that this was right. And it felt SO freeing not letting Satan hold me back from doing things I've always wanted to do. The Lord took my fear and ripped it to shreds. I was not held back from anything. And that theme carried over into the time I was in Honduras -- but that will be in the next post coming soon :)
"For God did not give us a spirit of fear and timidity but of power and love and self-control." - 2 Timothy 1:7.
