Father,

This upcoming week is going to be a mess and a whirlwind of craziness. I pray that we are able to see you through this time. I pray that you nourish our bodies with healthy food, little yet sufficient amounts of caffeine, and enough sleep. Lord, I pray we use this week to be obedient to You. You have called us higher. Finals week is crazy, but I pray we are able to remember that no matter what grade we get on that test, no matter how tired we are, no matter how much we'd rather be hanging out with friends, that we remember that You will always satisfy. You are bigger and better than all these things. I pray the results of these grades don't tear us down, but we can remember You are sovereign and that You are what really matters. I pray we manage our time wisely and we use the time we have to study and to be well-prepared for our upcoming exams. I pray for a different mindset and that that mindset would be to glorify you through this preparation and these exams. I pray we realize that these exams matter and we are preparing for our career in the future that is going to glorify you. Father, make us completely dependent on You this week. You are good. You are faithful. You are greater. Let us push on and persevere to achieving great things that we think are not possible. Show us Your grace, O God. Use this week to show us how great You are. Draw us near.

Amen.

{covered in brokenness, showered in grace, crowned in value}

HELLO, FRIENDS. No, I promise I didn't fall of the face of the earth. Just a very crazy semester to say the least and lots of emotions. It's been a while, but I think (hopefully) I am back on the blogging grind.

This past semester, I have had a lot of things going on and a lot put on my heart, so forewarning -- stuff's about to get real. 

Ya'll, I'm just going to be frank. This semester has SUCKED for me. I am not saying that I haven't had any fun or that big events happened in my life and now I'm depressed, but I've been disgusted with myself in my motivation for the Lord. It's been uncanny. There has literally been so many things, in all areas of my life, that have gone downhill for me that I don't even know where or how to start.. so I'm going to put this into categories.

• Grades: All my life, I have been a pretty good student. In elementary school I would ask the teacher for more spelling homework. I was the teacher's pet. I was that girl. I always tried my hardest and was obsessed with meeting my parents' expectations. Then college hit and my world was shook. I didn't know how to study, I didn't know how to cite stuff, I didn't know how to write big papers, etc. But last year (as a college freshman) I feel like it was way easier. I have really been realizing this lately. To put it lightly, my grades this semester have been struggling. It gives me a weak stomach to even say that. I have felt insecure (like REALLY insecure) about this for the first time in my life. I have lost a deep confidence in myself that I used to have and it hurts. I think back to last year, and it seems that my classes were way easier and I see the Lord's reasoning for that. Last year, I was figuring out this whole college thing while dealing with my mom's death. He knew I couldn't handle that, yet pushed and challenged me just enough in my classes which I look back on and smile with a happy heart because I am able to see His glory in hard work. But this semester, I have been lazy. I catch myself in excuses, unnecessary late nights of homework that lead to oversleeping, and assignments that are done with half-hearted effort. It irks me so much inside. I just have no motivation and thoroughly feel mentally exhausted over this semester. 
• Friends: I'm not going to beat around the bush here.. I have been a loner this semester. Seriously. I have seen so much sin in my life through secluding myself in my room or acting annoyed with people so I can use the excuse and put the blame on others making me feel left out. This is definitely something that I have been working on and want so badly to change. I hold my friends to these expectations and when I'm not invited or not asked if I want to carpool, I get upset. On the other hand, I have learned that I value my alone time. It gives me time to think. But if you looked at this semester in comparison to the rest of my life, you probably wouldn't think I was the same person. I have spent so much time by myself that it's unhealthy for me. I have seen Satan get in on the matter and use large amounts of being alone to his advantage to get inside my head and make me think I'm alone and no one wants to hang out with me. He is very deceiving, ya'll. Don't let him ruin you. I know I have GREAT friends here in Lexington, but I don't think I have taken advantage of my time to hang out with them when I can. I feel like I never hang out with my friends one-on-one anymore because of the chaos of this semester and me isolating myself. 
• Life: I know the other two categories still pertain to my life, but I didn't know what to call this one. To say the least, this semester has been TOUGH. Like really tough. I feel like it's freshman year of college part 2. I'm adapting to living off campus which includes paying for bills, gas, groceries, etc all on my own. I'm learning to balance out being a full-time Young Life leader and a full-time student and leading is officially in full-swing (with a whole school year with students, not just 4 months before summer). I'm getting more into my classes for my major and things are getting tougher. I just overwhelmed and annoyed with this semester. I love change, but I hate the unknown time period of adaptation. I cringe at the thought that adapting to something will take a really long time. That I will not feel comfortable for a while. Let's just say I want Winter Break and I want it NOW.

In the midst of all this junk in my life, Jesus is revealing how He's working in me. I see how broken I am and how desperate I am for a Savior. I know that I'M NOT PERFECT AND THAT'S OKAY. We get caught up in this world that everything has to be okay all of the time and the truth is that that's not the truth. We live in a sinful world. We're allowed to be broken, desperate, needy because it shows that we are not in control. He is. God is definitely using this season in my life for my good. He is breaking me down. He is showing me that I am not defined by bad grades. He is showing me that I am never alone. He is showing me how to survive in the real world. But also, in this, He is bringing my sin to light in me. I see that not trying with schoolwork and laziness are not healthy for me. I see that things are not always going to come easy to me and that I'm going to have to work hard for the things I want. I see that friends matter and are worth spending time with because they are encouraging and bring joy. I see that Satan can so easily creep into my life with loneliness and can rob me of my confidence. I see that my self-worth is so much more than good grades and having a lot of friends, but that my value and identity is found in Christ alone. Only He can satisfy our souls and only He can fill our empty hearts with true joy.

As sucky and trying that this season in life has been, I am thankful for who He is and what He is doing in my life. I know that He is ever after proving me genuine and that He is using this drained, desperate heart for His upcoming glory. The things He's teaching me now are what will build my character and the kind of Godly person I am called to be. I am being made perfect in His sight. I see who God is and who I am because we are not the same person. I was never meant to be someone who can handle all of this on my own, so I plead he would be with me. 

I've been listening to "I Can Just Be Me" by Laura story which you can listen to here a lot lately and it's been too good to me. It perfectly displays that we ARE allowed to be broken, needy, scattered, and desperate because it allows us to desire God all the more.

I beg for Jesus to make me like Job, that after facing such trial, I would be able to say, "Shall we accept only good from God, and not trouble?" Friends, God is the same and is still good under all circumstances. Let's praise Him in times of trouble and thank Him for those times of ease that allow us to have hope. Open your heart and let Him use this time to change you.