"I'm a free spirit who never had the balls to be free." -- Cheryl Strayed, Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail

Yes, this is the third post about my Honduras trip... 7 months late. My organization and time management skills may need some help -- so what?! That's beside the point. :)

The initial reason why I split up my posts about Honduras into 3 different ones was because there was a lot of crazy awesome stuff that happened in preparation for the trip, there was a lot of crazy awesome stuff that happened while I was there, AND there was a lot of crazy awesome stuff that I see now after looking back on the trip. Just wanted y'all to get the full effect, ya know? Ha!

Or maybe I just like to talk, but let's ignore that.

Looking back on this past summer, I am just put in absolute awe at how the Lord proved to me that He is in every single detail of our lives. He is all-consuming and I got a perfect example of that. Every part of the prepping, the doing, and the reflecting, HE IS THERE. He was there in the fundraising, in the hesitantly asking my dad, in the praying, in the nerves. He was there in finding my team at the airport in Atlanta, in building awesome relationships, in serving a community, in using my Spanish, in flying on an airplane by myself. He was there when I flew back to the United States and found out I wasn't going to be able to go to Summer Camp the very next day with the school I lead Young Life with, when I didn't get into Summer Staff, when I didn't have a job the week I got back from Honduras because I was supposed to be at camp, when I laid on my bed in Lexington all week unsure of my emotions and feeling useless because I spent a week living and doing things for a greater purpose. He is there when I think about how much I miss those little, brown faces of some of my favorite kids on the planet that are approximately 2, 835 long miles away. He is there when I get restless because all I want to do is something RIGHT NOW where I can combine my two passions: Jesus and Spanish. He is here, right now, and every other time that I look back and sift through how much the Lord provided for me in this trip and how many things He showed me.

God deepened a passion in my heart while in Honduras. I've known since the 2nd grade that I want to be a teacher. I've known since my Freshman year of high school that I want to be a high school Spanish teacher. I found out (and still am) the beginning my freshman year of college that to get there, it's going to take a whole lotta work. Before going to Honduras, I was feeling discouraged and like I wasn't good enough to teach a whole different language to high schoolers. Or that there was absolutely no way that I was cut out to be a teacher in general. But, in God's perfect timing (as always), after Honduras, I was fired up about Spanish and teaching it and using it for God's glory like never before. After three days into the trip, I thought to myself, "HEY, I can do this! I am able to  speak Spanish!" when all along I let the lies and the fear and the insecurities hold me back. Those are the most empowering and greatest victories, aren't they? When God finally shows you that you ARE enough and worthy, so you get to kick Satan in the butt -- Mmm, I love those moments!

The Lord not only showed me that I was completely competent to become a teacher of a subject I have been learning for 6 years now (wow...) and assured me that that is definitely what I want to become, but also, He showed me that Jesus' love knows NO boundaries. None. I got to see the rest of my team (who didn't know Spanish) interact with the same people I would interact with and still sharing the love of Christ and building relationships. It was the most beautiful thing. It didn't matter if they knew Spanish or not -- love is its own language. The fact that the Lord makes His love evident to us through everything -- even when we cannot communicate with one another -- is inevitable.

Like I said before, I ended up not getting to go to summer camp or do Summer Staff that summer. I flew back in to Atlanta from Honduras after a heart-wrenching day of many goodbyes to new life-long friends --you can imagine how much of a mess I was. I'm not the best with goodbyes. But I was still excited because less that 24 hours later, I would be getting on a greyhound bus off to spend a week with students from the high school I lead Young Life at! It was going to be crazy and hectic to unpack, wash clothes,then pack again, all in about 10 hours, but I could not wait!! Once I finally got service after landing in the U.S., my phone had one voicemail from our team leader saying that there weren't enough girls to sign up for camp, so I wasn't going to get to go. That was not exactly the first thing you want to hear after an emotional day/week. I was pretty upset, I'm not going to lie. There was nothing that could have changed it and it wasn't anyone's fault. I simply wanted to be with those Tate's Creek girls and deepen friendships and share God's love with them.

The same thing happened with summer staff. I saw many friends posting on social media about where they were going to be serving and when, yet there I was, bitter and sad and hurt because other people kept getting what I wanted and God wasn't making these big dreams happened like He had promised.

I didn't understand why God would put such big things on my heart at the beginning of the year (to go to Honduras, to go to summer camp, and to do summer staff), yet cause me to hurt so much because only one of those big plans actually happen. I had finally, for the first time ever, said yes to things that I had always wanted to do and allowed God to free me of my chains, then took them away. It was like God was teasing me. I didn't get it.

Until now.

I see now that the Lord was also in that. Coming back to Lexington after Honduras, I had nothing to do since I was planning to be at camp. No work (I had asked off), no school, no roommates (everyone was pretty much out of town), no money (because I didn't have work), and no summer camp. What I did have was a room to myself, a long week of doing nothing, and an empty heart that missed Honduras and was shattered by my dreams. That sounds cheesy, but really. But the Lord did something inside of me that week that I don't think could have happened had I not had the week to myself. I had a lot of alone time to think about my trip, the people there, my passions, and how the Lord transformed me. I also had a week to get a heart check slap in the face from God showing me that I didn't need to be at summer camp with Tates Creek for students to encounter the Lord. Only He did. As much as I selfishly wanted to be there, the Lord showed me that I am not God and I am not going to save those students by any means. God is the only one that can do that. I also got to pray over summer staff and be at peace with not getting in. As much as I wanted to serve at a Young Life camp for a whole month, God showed me that it was going to be okay.

That week of nothing was the best thing for me. I got to see that I don't need to do a billion things and plan all these adventures to experience the Lord and to be brave. Sometimes the bravest thing is actually getting the guts to say YES when your hands are trembling in fear, committing to it, and trying to make it happen. Yeah, sometimes the Lord pumps the breaks and changes your plans, but it is the best thing for you because He knows exactly what you need. It's scary. It's hard. It's upsetting. But when you see that the Lord gives and takes away for your good, it changes your view of God in this tiny box. For me, He gave me tons of opportunities to follow Him. I said yes to them. He took some of those opportunities away, but what I got is so much more beautiful. I got a deeper passion, a heart check, a new view of how Great and All-Consuming our God is. And I figured out what it means to be brave and how freeing that is when you trust God. 

If you've got dreams you want to follow or you want to make something happen, I cannot tell you this enough... DO IT. Trust that the Lord will provide and that He's got it taken care of. Tell your fears NO and go be the person you've always wanted to be -- a free one.

"I knew that if I allowed fear to overtake me, my journey was doomed. Fear, to a great extent, is born of a story we tell ourselves, and so I chose to tell myself a different story from the one women are told. I decided I was safe. I was strong. I was brave. Nothing could vanquish me." -- Cheryl Strayed, Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail

i'm actually here DOING this || Honduras, Part 2

"How was Honduras?" A question that is so tough for me to answer in just a few short sentences. I love the question and I love that people care enough to ask me about my travels, but I can never choose a few specific things to tell the person because everything -- and I mean EVERYTHING -- was amazing. All I'm saying is that if you ask me that question, be prepared for a novel when you signed up for the Spark Notes.

In my last post (which you can read here!), I talked about the wild and crazy adventure of simply preparing for Honduras and the craziness of getting there, but also how the Lord initiated and pushed me to do things I've always wanted to do but have been too afraid to do. Well, that continued even more while I was in Honduras. 

We arrived in Comayagua on Saturday night and got settled in, met everyone, ate, and watched the sweet little kids whose families help out at the mission organization (El Ayudante) sing and danced for us to welcome us! I immediately fell in love. I mean, seriously. These kids were PRECIOUS. It had been a long day of traveling, so we all went to bed fairly early to get some good rest before church the following morning.

Sunday was yet another day of taking everything in and resting. We went to CCI, the church that the people that live at the mission go to. It was so contemporary and great! And it was my first dose of what services in Honduras looked like. It was hard keeping up with the message because I was easing into my Spanish, but luckily we had our friend Elizabeth translating it for us. Later that night, we had church at a small, Pentecostal church right down the road from the mission. We got to meet more kiddos, be introduced to the families that attend that church, AND... are you ready for this... I don't think you are...... LEAD WORSHIP with Tia, and Santos and Rachel (our translators for the week). HAHAHAHAHA WHAT?!?! I literally stood in front of a church and led worship!! It makes me laugh so much because there is not even a slim chance I would do that in the States. Worship was one of my favorite parts from this day though. I got to see that the people of this culture praise God in the very same way that we do. They sing, they dance. It's the same. The same Holy Spirit that is in us is also in them. We all are made in God's image and it was so cool to experience this and feel His Spirit so alive in us all together -- united as one. 

The church in Los Pinos

Every day, from Monday until Thursday, we installed water filters from about 8:30 until 11:30. We drove about 10-15 minutes away to a different neighborhood called Los Pinos that is known for really being untouched terrain. There is one church there that people rarely go to and people are very disinterested to the church. Going there was incredible, though. We would go into every house that had signed up to get a water filter each day with a huge gallon tub, a few bags of rocks, and sifters to get the job done. While waiting to see if the water flowed the right speed, we got a chance to hang out with the families and build relationships with them. We sat down and asked them about their thoughts on the Lord and whether or not they were saved. We got to share with so many families the true love of Christ and present the offer Christ has always been holding out to them of eternal life right then and there. It was as if I felt the Kingdom of Heaven literally coming down. Working and serving the Lord made me rejoice. I was absolutely in my element.

One specific situation really made me take a step back and say, "Man, I love this. So much." We were a little behind doing the water filters one day, so they had me and Anyi, a friend that knows some English and really knows the process of installing filters, go to start on installing a filter at a woman's house. We began talking and I really got to use my Spanish and learn more about the woman. This woman owned a little land in order to grow mango and guayaba and had a little girl that wasn't home from school yet. Once we got the filter installed, we got to sit down with the woman and introduce her to the gospel. Elizabeth, one of the wives that live at El Ayudante and help run it, asked me if I wanted to translate this time instead of one of the translators. Initially, I said, "No, no, no. It's okay. I don't really know very many of those kinds of words in Spanish to translate the gospel." After much hesitation and Elizabeth pushing me and reassuring me that I indeed could do it and if I missed a word, I would have 2 translators sitting next to me to fall back on, I decided to go with it. 

And it was the most beautiful and liberating thing.

I got to see that all along, not only was I putting myself and my potential in a box, but I was doing the same to God. I doubted myself. I let Satan tell me I was unworthy and not good enough to translate the gospel. But low and behold, I DID IT. With ease, too. The woman completely understood what I was saying. I was capable of translating God's Word. And that's when it hit me -- Jesus and Spanish together seriously are my biggest passions and I want to use both of them for the rest of my life. Ephesians 3:14-20 was what I decided to memorize before I went on this trip and I saw first hand verse 20 come to life. 

20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

BOOM 

And what happened afterwards? The woman refused to let me leave without her showering me with gratitude by sharing the fruit she had grown with me. She didn't care that I didn't need it. She solely wanted to show me how thankful she was. That's the Lord's work for ya, y'all. 

So, that was the bulk of our day on Monday through Thursday for the most part. It was beautiful seeing how the Lord can bond people from completely different cultures and show that God's love really doesn't have a language barrier at all and that putting actions with words -- God's Word -- can transform lives, including your own. Everything about Honduras stole my heart: the people, the kids, using my Spanish, the delicious food, the beauty of the mountains, and just experiencing the Lord in ways I never had before. 

Friday was our last "real", full day in Comayagua. This was probably my favorite day because we got to a school and give fluoride treatments and play with the kids. A lot of the children are ones we had already met that lived in Lo de Reina, the same neighborhood the El Ayudante is in. The school was literally a 10 minute walk away. While there, we got to see the workers at El Ayudante give a lesson on hygiene and why it's important. Later on was the fun part -- organizing sack races, painting faces, and distributing MILLIONS of hugs to so many faces that I could pinch off! I mean come on.. they don't get much cuter :)