| Just your typical day downtown.. |
|| acostumbrarse: to get used to; to become used to; to become accustomed to ||
My time here thus far has been, honestly, not everything that I thought it would be. Not in a bad way nor a good way. It truly has been a roller coaster -- of (literally) every emotion, adjusting, understanding, learning, and failing. My past with Honduras looks completely different with my present in Honduras. My trips in June 2014, June 2015, and June 2016 grew my craving for this place more and more every single time, but those week-long trips look completely different that living here. Being here for week-long missions team trips set up the perfect stage to fall in love with a country quickly. Those trips include everything pretty much being taken care of for you. You don't have to go grocery shopping, you don't have to cook, you don't have to clean, you are constantly around your team, you always have something to do, everything is already paid for, and if there is a conflict within a relationship or if you miss someone, the end is near.. you'll be home at the end of the week, so it's a quick and easy cop-out. You have translators and people on staff to keep you safe and tell you what you should and shouldn't do. You don't realize how "spoiled" you are until you're on the other side of it all. That's how it is for me. Most of the days on week-long mission trips look like waking up to breakfast being made for you, getting dressed, going to install water filters and talking to families, someone driving you back to the mission house, eating a wonderful, already prepared lunch, drinking a mid-day Coke in a rocking chair, going to a house to pour a concrete floor or build a house or install a latrine, going back to a beautifully done dinner, showering, playing cards with your team, joking around, and going to bed.
Cooling off at the river w/ one of the teams That is my familiarity. But now it's all so different -- in a good and hard adjustment way. Now my days are mostly spent within the walls of the El Ayudante campus. I am in the Learning Center from 8am-4pm every Monday through Friday. My 1 open room apartment is within these walls. There are "enough" people to hang out with that live on campus to still have a social life. It gets dark here at 5:30/6:00pm everyday, so by the time I'm finished in the LC, cooking dinner, eating, and resting, it's pitch black outside and I can't go beyond these walls by myself. I have a roommate and we cook almost all our meals (which is a huge change for me because I am TERRIBLE at cooking). I have a lot of "alone" time. If I want to cry, be alone, or am frustrated, I feel like I have no where to go (which is good and bad for me -- sometimes you need your space, but other times I can hide rather than letting others know what's up). Not that I don't feel comfortable around the people her either, but I am an emotional person who doesn't like to cry in front of others, so the struggle is real. ;) Usually I'm speaking in Spanish while teaching English, but it isn't always a conversation since it's teaching -- I could go the whole day not having been corrected on something I said wrong. I miss my family and friends. I'm starting to get homesick.
But I'm so used to the majority of my time here being off-campus. I'm usually installing water filters or mixing concrete all day. I'm so used to living in the mission house -- a giant room full of 20+ bunkbeds. I usually have a team of 12 other friends with me, always giving me someone I know well available to talk to. It would still get dark early, but there wouldn't be a desire to go off-campus since that's where I spent most of my day. I never had to cook one meal, clean a bathroom, or felt the need for alone time or wanted to hide while I was frustrated because I was close to everyone I was around. Every time I spoke Spanish, it was a discussion and the other person had the opportunity to tell me I said something incorrectly, which is how I learn best. I mean it when I say everything seems the opposite of life as I've known it here. I knew some of these things would look this way, but still. It's been different and hard and an adjustment this first month, but hear me when I say it has been GOOD.
Installed water filters up the mountain and stopped here to eat our lunches.
Now, I'm not saying AT ALL that I haven't loved my time here. It was be a huge understatement to say it has been incredible. But, truly, it has been harder that I planned. It has been so much adjusting and processing that my mind feels fried. At the end of the day, I want to just veg out, even though I haven't "hung out" with anyone. Every single day, I am seeing how completely insufficient I am compared to Christ. I am weak. I am so weak. I like to think with my prideful, big, boastful mind that I can do it all and I have everything under control, but that is not even close to it. I do feel insufficient compared to Christ, which is a good thing to realize, but there has been this resounding lie from the Enemy that I AM INSUFFICIENT. It is a lie I have been listening to. Insufficiency in a sense that I have nothing good to offer and I am a failure. Compared to Christ, that statement is absolutely true. He is all-powerful. He is able to change hearts and minds, not me. He is in control and able to do all things. But this kind of insufficiency is crippling. I have found myself, more often times than not, doubting myself, my capabilities, my heart, thinking I am a failure.
The past three weeks of working in the Learning Center has taught me so much. There are 55 students (grades 7th-12th) in the scholarship program who have been sponsored by people in the States. Through this program that El Ayudante (the mission I am working with) created, students have received help paying for their books, uniforms, and school supplies to allow them continue their education because about 50% of these students don't continue school past the 7th grade. One of the rules for these students is that they must spend 2 hours in the Learning Center receiving tutoring each week. My co-tutor Josue has been a gift. It is so cool to see the hand of God in putting us together to work as a team. He is so great at Science and Math. As for me, I am TERRIBLE at those things, but English and Spanish are my specialty, and luckily that was a need in the Learning Center. Josue is completely bilingual and is from Comayagua, but like anyone, teaching English while explaining in Spanish is no easy feat. I am so thankful for how perfectly our gifts go hand in hand. He is so patient with me as well -- something that I need so, so badly. This past month has been a process of using my Spanish more and more, therefore, coming out of my shell and not leaning on the crutch of using English with others that are bilingual. Josue has allowed me to practice often, learn more, and speak sentences slowly without feeling embarrassed or rushed. If I mess up, he kindly will correct me and explain things to me. That is something that I so needed, so he has been a huge help in this past month, as well as an incredible friend when I've doubted myself, encouraging me to keep trying.
Pretty soon this baby will be up and running! I cannot wait!
I have doubted my ability to speak Spanish. I have doubted my ability to teach English to students. I have doubted my ability to be what people need/want me to be here. I have felt rejection in many forms -- not because of others being hurtful, but mainly because of the lies I have let myself believe. I know Spanish. I've studied it for 8 years in school. But nothing tests your ability more than being completely submerged in a culture, constantly speaking the language. What I have learned is that despite those 8 years of studying Spanish and literally having a Bachelors degree in the language, I have so much to learn. So much. I keep reminding myself of my rockstar of a softball coach who told us, "Practice doesn't make perfect. Practice makes permanent. So, make sure you're practicing the correct things." Thanks, Mr. Fookes, because that applies to so much. So many times I have wanted to just tap out, give up, and crawl into my hole of embarrassment because I convince myself that when I speak no one can understand me thinks I barely know Spanish. Or if I can't hear something and I ask them to repeat what they said and they respond back in English, I get embarrassed because I assume they think I don't know Spanish. But the frustration and the beauty of learning languages is a paradox. There is this cycle: Learning - Practicing - Failing - Embarrassment - Giving up - Getting mad that you don't try - Practicing. It is hard to push and challenge yourself to keep speaking and practicing when you know you will absolutely get embarrassed and fail, but it is HUMBLING. I have to make a choice everyday - will I put myself out there and try or will I give up and avoid people so I don't embarrass myself? If I choose the latter, I will miss out on using my passion, getting better and perfecting my speaking skills, and I will miss out on incredible relationships I could have built here. So, everyday I am trying to remind myself to strip myself of my pride and fear of embarrassment, because it is a sacrifice for the Lord.
Students spending extra time tutoring
Our mixed group on Monday afternoons
15 9th graders who showed up on time!
9 extra students showed up!
The first week here, I felt this deep desire from the Lord: I didn't want to leave this place with any leftover energy I could have used here. I wanted to leave Honduras EXHAUSTED. And I am feeling it. I feel mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually depleted in need for the Savior to replenish and nourish my every need. And the hope is that HE DOES and HE WILL. He has blessed this ministry so much and there have been exciting baby steps to seeing the Learning Center grow and mature. I am here for 4 months. That's longer term than I have ever been here, but truly, that is not very much time. I am simply a short-term catalyst for the growth and raising of the walls of the Learning Center. And I hope and pray that when the Lord wants to use me somewhere, I am not selfish with my skills, my time, and my resources.
Although the new Learning Center building is not quite finished yet, tutoring has been up since February 20th. 3 full weeks with these students has been so sweet and seeing the things we are teaching and helping with STICKING with them is rewarding. The first week with them was giving them an overview of their role as scholarships students. Almost all of the kids had never had tutoring before, so with the Learning Center, we are trying to break a cycle. A stereotype. A way of thinking. We are training these kids to take responsibility for their learning, even though some of their parents don't value education for them. The history of this area is a generational stigma of not seeing the importance and opportunities with more education. Our hope is to equip and empower, rather than enable these families. Since tutoring was practically nonexistent before this, we had to explain to students that we are here to help with their homework or school projects or whatever subject they don't understand, but they HAVE to bring their books and notebooks, otherwise we won't know what they're working on. Not until this past week did I feel like students were actually getting it. We have 10 computers and the majority of the students don't even know how to use them. But everyday, they are showing up. Each scholarship student has a specific day that they must attend tutoring with those in the same grade as them, but any other time they need help, they are allowed to come to use computers, ask for extra help, etc. And this week they came. They showed up. It makes me cry the happiest tears.
And then, on top of it all, Josue and I went to the schools nearby to explain the purpose of the Learning Center and that all students can come with their grade, even if they aren't in the scholarship program. We had NO idea what we were in for. Just this week, it blew up. On Monday morning, we had all the 7th-grade students except for 2 missing, and then in the afternoon, we had our third week of perfect attendance with our mixed group. On Tuesday, we had 15 9th-graders show up ready to learn and ALL on time (4 of them not being in the scholarship program, just coming voluntarily to learn)! On Wednesday, we had 2 new students come and 3 students come other times during the week for extra help. Thursday always seems up in the air for us because we have 2 students that have to come, but they hadn't been coming the past 2 weeks. So, this week we were in for a surprise. EIGHT (yes, 8!) STUDENTS showed up for tutoring optionally and the other two who are in the program finally came!! Friday, two students were absent, but 4 new students voluntarily showed up, one of those students being a dear, dear friend to me who I met my first trip to Honduras, Mileny. Then there's another student who has showed up EVERY SINGLE WEEK and he isn't even in the scholarship program, he just wants to learn.
| Mileny - 2017. |
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| Mileny, Helen, & Camila - 2014. |
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| The family - 2016. |
These numbers might not be a huge deal to you, but they are big victories to us! This is just the beginning. One of my favorite things about being a part of all of this is the relationships. It always has been. But this time it is relationships past, present, and future. Some of these students I met 3 years ago when we involved water filters in their houses and now they are my students. I get to see them 2 hours or more every single week for the next 12 weeks remaining here. Some of these students I have never met before, but now I will know them forever. These 55+ students will always be apart of my life, whether that is physically or in my prayers or both, now I know them. Now they are a part of my life and a relationship is building. I pray that relationship is one that breaks down walls in the classroom, in their hearts, and with their God. It is such a joy to know some of these students prior to these 4 months and already have a foundation of friendship with them. I desire for the Learning Center to be a safe place, an encouraging place, a place of lifting each other up and empowering each other, but even more so a place of learning about God. Everyday, Josue and I will share one Proverb a day, both in English and Spanish, explain it, and then read and translate word-for-word the English version. We want these kids to understand the Lord's heart for them and explaining how the discipline of the Lord is out of love so they can grow in wisdom and maturity. It is a beautiful thing getting to love on these students through teaching them English and Spanish, but also through Scripture. God is breaking down walls in the classroom and in hearts -- mine included.
The work here is not close to being finished yet, but I am so glad it isn't up to Josue and I to do all the work because the Holy Spirit is going to work in the students much more than we will. A part of being a tutor here feels like hugely like being a Young Life leader, which I love. Getting to invest in students, use Spanish, teach, create an inclusive and equal environment, and build relationships are the things I am passionate about and all of those coming together in my favorite place makes me happy dance and cry and thank the Lord over and over and over again for this opportunity and for YOU. YOU - the person who is reading this.. because you are supporting me, loving me, there for me, and helped make this all possible. I still can't believe. Thank you for trusting the Lord with this and helping a girl go to a country she love to do what she loves. I have the most incredible people in my life. I love you all.
This place is so special and so dear to me. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid that after my time here, the Lord will close this chapter in my life. I'm scared He'll tell me I won't live here or I won't come back for a very long time because I need to do other things first. Every part of me wants to live here. I ache for it in my bones. But if the Lord asks for my obedience, I must sacrifice my longings and desires for Him. If the next steps after this doesn't involve Honduras, it will break my heart, but I will listen. The Lord knows what is best and His discipline brings maturity and wisdom and selflessness -- everything that I desire. It will be hard, but I will listen because He is faithful to keep His promises.
"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
- Psalm 139:23-24.
" Examine, oh Dios, y sondea mi corazon; ponme a prueba y sondea mis pensamientos. Fijate si voy por mal camino, y guiame por el camino y guiame por el camino eterno."
- Salmo 139:23-24.
| The INCREDIBLE view + sunrise from my kitchen window! :) |
PRAYER REQUESTS
Feelings of insufficiency/encouragement to keep trying and that I AM enough
For students to see and understand the value in their education/to take ownership of this
Deepened relationships: with students, with staff, and to not be afraid to make other friends
Sacrifice my flesh to serve with all my energy and grace
Distraction, jealousy & comparison of others
For students to see and understand the value in their education/to take ownership of this
Deepened relationships: with students, with staff, and to not be afraid to make other friends
Sacrifice my flesh to serve with all my energy and grace
Distraction, jealousy & comparison of others
For God to check my motives and work in me to trust Him with the next step
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