in you death has lost its sting

"Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" - 1 Corinthians 15:55.

I never thought I'd be in the place that I am right now. I never thought there was anything wrong with the way I was dealing with everything. I never thought things were going to get worse than they were, until they did. 

As an 18 year old, losing my mom wasn't easy. Losing someone you love is not easy for anyone. And even though the Lord gave my family and I a year and a half extra with her since she had her first heart attack, nothing in this world could have prepared me for the amount of excruciating pain that was to come. 

When my mom passed away two weeks into my freshman year of college, I was deeply hurting inside. I was at peace with the way everything had happened and that she was finally resting for eternity with Jesus after a year and a half of being in and out of hospitals, having seizures, strokes, heart attacks, and being away from family. She was out of her pain  and I was at peace with that. But what I wasn't at peace with was my emotions.

momma, you are missed every single day.

I had just moved out of my high school's Young Life community and was just entering into UK's college Young Life community. I didn't know anyone super well yet and missed my friends and family back home more than anything. What I wanted more than anything was for other people to see this trial in my life and for them to see that Jesus is with us in our sufferings; that His love finds us in our pain and covers us. 

I always tried to be positive and optimistic about my mom's passing to others, but would never let anyone see me crying or hurting, not even my family. I always felt like I had to be a "good sport" because I thought the more I talked about my mom and how I was aching inside, the more people didn't want to hang out with me. I told myself that I was a burden. I told myself that I should be over it. I allowed Satan to deceive me so much and tell me that no one really cared, so I put up a wall. Whenever I felt upset, I would try my hardest to shrug off my emotions. I became numb to thinking about my mom for fear that I would constantly be upset and no one would want to be around me. I didn't turn to anyone completely. There would be some instances when I talked about it, but I would never fully open up -- I feared being vulnerable and letting others see the deepest scar on me.

Not until about two months ago had I become aware of my fear of letting people know about this part of my life. All of my feelings about my mom and missing her felt like they were creeping back in and hitting me all at once. I hated it because this time there was nothing I could do to avoid it. I didn't have control. I didn't know why all of the sudden I was emotional all the time and would find myself crying in my room alone so often. As I was talking to my friend Emily one day in February, I told her about what I was going through. I came to the realization that I think I never allowed myself to grieve over my mother's death because I felt like I had to be positive all the time. I was afraid to open up because I was afraid of rejection and feeling weak. Not but a week later, I stumbled across an article on Bedlam Magazine's website (which I encourage you to read here: http://www.bedlammag.com/digging-up-the-roots-of-our-emotional-issues/) because the title sounded appropriate for my "emotional issues". Subconsciously, I was desperately seeking anything, anything to solve this, to help me get through this in the easiest, most pain-free way. Little did I know that the article would hit the nail right on the head and be exactly what I needed to hear. First, she started out talking about the book Scary Close by Donald Miller and when shame entered into his life, then she shared a story about when the shame entered her life as well. She talked about how she would push back feelings because she felt as though if she were to even admit that she was upset would be a sign of weakness. 

"Sometimes I allow my pride and the desire to come off as a “good sport” to others rob me of a genuine grieving process. My temporary solution meant to block emotional harm just leads to long-term pain."

Then the next paragraph blew me away. 

"After my family lost my mom, I pushed away my grief for nearly two years until it bubbled to the surface. I felt like I had to be “normal” again, “happy,” so when it finally hit me, I was upset almost all of the time. While my grief will always be a part of me in this fallen world, I allowed it to take over me. But I surrendered and God delivered me from that. He’s so patient with me."

She lost her mom too. She's been dealing with this for 2 years too. She's been pushing away her hurt too. This woman, without realizing it, understood me. She got it. And whether I knew her or not, that was all I needed.

At the end of March, I went on a Spring Break trip with UK's college Young Life to Florida, like I have for the past 2 years of college. What happened during that trip made it so evident to me that Jesus was working through all of this. A new freshman leader that I had met earlier this school year, Madison, was on the trip. I knew she had lost her mom too and I had been wanting to hang out with her. Everything in me wanted to reach out to her and just talk. I was looking for someone to relate with and I was hoping she was too. The conversation we ended up having left me living in freedom. 

In that moment, I realized what I had been looking for for two and a half long years -- someone who made me know that I was NOT alone in this -- was there. I understood that there are people who know what I'm going through. There are people who understand and can relate. And I found the greatest friend in Madison who I can say without a doubt in my mind is brave and will fight hard with me so we know the Truth -- the Truth that Jesus says there is NO sting in death if you live in Christ Jesus.

Jesus continued through that trip that He wanted to take this darkness that I am in and bring it into the Light. Into the hope that Christ died for this. Not only did I find on the trip that Madison could relate, but that another new friend, Mason, was going through the same thing. And so were Kevin and Kayla, our awesome college Young Life leaders leading the talks at club during the trip. And OF COURSE the talks on the trip were all about vulnerability. I couldn't run away anymore. The Lord was shoving me into something, and with much resistance, I had to surrender. The Lord was adamant in what He wanted to show me.

If I learned anything from this Spring Break trip, it was that I am not alone. I learned that there are people who can relate and understand that death is scary and messy and hard. It changes your life. It makes you feel things you never ever want to feel. But I got to see the healing hands of God.

"He is utterly alone in His suffering so that we will never

 have to be alone in ours." 

^^^ from this: (http://tcpca.org/2015/04/01/woman-behold-your-son-behold-your-mother-2/)

God doesn't want us to fight this battle alone. We cannot do it. Literally. We are not the ones that died and rose again and conquered death -- He did. I am not strong enough to do this by myself. And even though I have found people that get it and understand my pain, only having them will still never satisfy. Just talking to them will not supply my deepest need to help me get through this.The only One that knows exactly what I am going through is Jesus. He died on the cross -- no one can say they know that pain. But He can say He knows every pain. I am so thankful we have a Savior who doesn't intend on using hard, heartbreaking things in our lives once and then we move forward, but it is an ongoing process that affects the rest of our lives. It's proof that He never leaves us along in our junk. He wants us to surrender. 

I never thought I'd be in the place that I am right now. I never thought there was anything wrong with the way I was dealing with everything. I never thought things were going to get worse than they were, until they did. But Christ doesn't leave us alone. He doesn't let us bypass healing. I was encouraged by my friend Angie Poston's blog post recently that in Genesis 50 what Satan intended for evil and to harm me, that God will make GOOD. He is taking these ashes and making them beautiful. 

This mourning process sucks and causes me to be all over the place, but God is drawing me so close during this time that I can't help but rejoice. It is necessary.

Missing my mom isn't a bad thing. Talking to people when I'm upset isn't weird. I'm not a burden. These are things that I have to remind myself everyday. It's taken a lot of trembling courage to go through this process. But because I have a God that is so much bigger than this and is my refuge in this storm, I can live and fight to know the Truth and resist Satan telling me otherwise. I would be nothing if it wasn't for Christ's relentless pursuit and patience with me. He's redeeming this and it beautiful.

If you're in the same boat, I want you to know you are not alone. Don't sink back into your shell. Let people see this. Mourning is one heck of a process, but there is beauty through it in Christ. There are people who understand and are going through the same thing, just like me. Take your sweet time, in this moment, and sift through your feelings. Don't look over them. Don't bypass them. Don't shoo them away or ignore them. It may sting for a little while, but just like putting hydrogen peroxide on a wound, the Lord is wanting you to cry out to him, mourn, and give Him your deep lament so you can heal, be restored, and learn to be free. Not free of these feelings, but to freely feel them. Let Him in, friend. Don't be afraid to let your guard down because He knows what He's doing.

"There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,  a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace." - Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.

Please, if you need a friend to walk through this with you, let me know. Or if you want to know more about my story, don't hesitate. Text, IM, or comment below.  You're not a burden and I want you to know that.