e n c a j a r // Honduras 2017 Month 2: March to April

Encajar // Month 2: March to April

|| e n c a j a r : to fit; to fit in; to belong ||

DISCLAIMER: I GOT A LOT TO SAY. SORRY 'BOUT IT.

I have officially lived in Honduras for 60 days now and I am now officially halfway through my internship here and I am now officially a "llorona", also known as a crybaby, but what's new? Truly, I cannot fathom how two months has already passed. I've never been away from home for more than 3 weeks, and here I am at week 8.5 in a different country feeling like this is home. Tears come to my eyes as I write that. But this is my "hogar" or "home", my "ambiente" or "environment", or like what my tattoo says, my "querencia" or "a place where you are your most authentic self". Honduras has taken up a huge space in my heart the past four years, but sometimes I wonder if I'm actually hurting my heart because leaving after four months as compared to just a week-long trip is probably going to KILL me. Haha -- it's like I brought this pain upon myself. But that's the risk of falling in love with anything -- it's going to hurt sometimes and be hard, but MAN are our lives so much more full of joy because we have the ability to fall head over heels in love with people, passions, and things. We get to enjoy this life rather than being numb to it and being completely incapable of loving. One of my favorite quotes says this: 

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." - C.S. Lewis

One of the biggest things I try to stay wary of while traveling is that I'm not doing it for selfish gain. I want to get involved and be engaged in the culture. I want to absorb the world around me and walk with my eyes wide open. I wrote on an instagram post recently before coming here, "I don't want to travel the world to simply see things. I never want to come back from a place unchanged. I want my heart to break, swell, heal, melt, and grow over and over and over again with each place I set foot. I don't want to get on an airplane or drive somewhere just to take a picture, post it, and check it off my list to say, "I've seen this, this, and this" while waiting for a number of likes to roll in to make others jealous and for my own popularity. I never want to go to a place and not bring it back home with me. I want to remember faces, names, conversations, experiences, food, smells, feelings, heartbreak, everything for that place. I want it to change me and let me see how intrinsic the beauty of the world is and the details God put into everything He created. I want my perspective to always be open to more so there's more room for compassion and understanding to grow in me. I don't want to walk around thinking my way is always the right way. The day I become numb to the need of this world is the day I stop traveling. Enjoying your time and seeing fun things is a benefit -- the fact that God allows us to do that is insane -- but don't hold back from getting lost, interested, enamored with a culture, whether that's in the States or abroad, because it can happen in your backyard or across the world. Let it take your breath away."

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I chose this word -- "encajar" -- as the title of this blog post because I feel as though I have really started to get comfortable and the people here have made me feel like I "fit in", like I am one of them, like I "belong" here. That's what I love about this culture. We call it "calida y acogedor" or "warm and welcoming". My personality is so focused on the people-pleasing type of fitting in, but I feel like I "encajar" in a way where I am accepted and loved right where I am. I don't have to change Casey to be liked. There isn't an expectation beforehand, you just get to BE. And that is exactly what I needed. I am learning to be a confident, independent, strong, find-my-place, unafraid girl, rather than the insecure, play-it-by-ear-depending-on-how-the-other-person-is-feeling, people-pleasing girl I so often can be. I am learning how to take initiative to speak, to not be afraid to share my opinion, but still be quick to listen.

Taking initiative is a VITAL thing I needed to learn. It is important and necessary and it has come up in almost every situation I have been in while being here. Gaining up the courage to give my "two-cents" or opinion to a group of people that live here long-term is necessary, even though I feel like the baby on campus since I'm here for such a short amount of time. Everything in me says, "No, no, no! Don't share your ideas about how a system should work in the Learning Center! You'll be gone in two months, so you don't really have a say!" Or "Don't try to talk to this family in Spanish! You'll just mess up and make a fool out of yourself!" Or if I decide to go out on a limb and visit a family alone, my inner being will say, "You can't do anything alone! You are naive and oblivious and you'll get hurt or do something stupid!" 

Thankfully, I am slowly but surely finding my place. I am realizing I will learn nothing nor will I grow in my faith if I hold everything in, if I always let the person next to me speak up, do something, etc. Instead, only bitterness will grow inside of me if I get annoyed with a certain way things are working. We are human and we shouldn't feel like a burden to have preferences -- that is exactly what makes us different and unique and wonderful. But we can't complain about something if we haven't even tried to do something about it. The ball is in our court and we GOTTA pass it sometime in order to score. We must have courage with a huge side of communication to score, though.

I am trying my best to put this into practice everyday. Whether it be while in the Learning Center and sharing during devotionals, showing a different way of doing a math problem, or explaining why I think creating attendance sheets one way in Excel is more efficient than another way. Or needing to have a conversation when all you want to do is keep everything in because you think your needs are irrelevant. Or getting over your fear and talking to families in Spanish (even though you are afraid of messing up) because you know loving others and building a friendship with them is so much more worth it than looking like a fool and messing up. I try to give my opinion and share my heart in honesty in hopes of helping not in hopes of always being right.


One of my absolute FAVORITE songs is "The Voyage" by Amanda Cook. This song has been so special to me since it came out in 2015 because it put words to what my heart wanted to say, though I could not find the words.

Speak, even if your voice is trembling.

Please, you've been quiet for so long.

Believe, it'll be worth the risk you're taking.

You're afraid, but you can hear adventure calling.

There's a rush of adrenaline to your bones.

What you make of this moment changes everything.

What if the path you choose becomes a road?

What if the grounds you take becomes your home?

The winds are high, but the pressure's off. I'll send the rain wherever we end up. 

Set your sights, sailing far beyond familiar.

In the rising tide, you'll find the rhythm of your heart.

And lift your head -- now the wind and waves don't matter.

I am the wind in your sails.​

Those words are convicting. When I am afraid of speaking up, I feel like throwing up. There is something that comes over me and tells me it is absolutely not going to help whatsoever, that I am useless. I find excuses and justify why my opinions don't matter but bitterness grows in me like WILDFIRE. I am a verbal processor, but I have to gather my thoughts before talking to anyone. But if I don't talk about things, they bubble at the surface and explode. I need to talk, so I am taking the initiative to speak up for myself, stand firm in my preferences and explain myself even when I feel like caving, but also be receiving to criticism. I am open to others being right, but i am finding I hardly ever let myself be right. I have good ideas to offer and I need to share. We must find value in ourselves and speak up. Let's create an environment for listening as well as speaking. I think all of us need to do one or the other or maybe both. The Lord didn't make us timid robots without any preferences. He made us beautiful and unique and fierce, and we need to find our place and not be so afraid to share. I know I need to be reminded of this everyday.

 I love this song too because I when I heard it, I wondered and dreamed that this "path" I am on or "grounds" I am taking of coming to Honduras for week-long trips would eventually turn into a "road" of living here long-term -- that it would eventually "become my home". That I would not be so afraid, even though my "voice is trembling", of telling people this dream, but rather speak outwardly about it to make it a reality and pursue it and "believe it's worth the risk I'm taking". And boy, did the Lord answer a much anticipated prayer. And He is continuing to. 4 months is so SO different than just one week, but four months is not enough. Four months is so short for me. Four months when I want this for LIFE kills me to think about when I head home in June. But I must remember the Lord is "the wind in my sails". HE is the one that will guide me. I am NOT in control. Just like a sail, the wind blow in whichever direction, but the sailor has to take into account the way the wind is blowing and ultimately listen to its direction because the wind is much stronger than the sailor. It's the same for me. I may think I know which way to go and start in one direction, but truly I can't tell the wind "THIS WAY!". I have to listen to the Lord and move my sails to align to His call because He understand my heart and mind and knows best. He sees it all. He is the Captain.

A few fun, big things that have happened this past month are:

• Honduran Culture Seminar in Siguatepeque: One Wednesday I had the opportunity to go to 2 other girls from El Ayudante to a city about an hour away called Siguatepeque for an all-day seminar. We participated in fun activites and gained a better knowledge of how to do mission work in a different country. It was so interesting and helpful. We talked about how the majority of Hondurans are mostly reserved, while the majority of the personalities of missionaries are more outgoing. Hearing those statistics really stood out to me and allowed me to see that we are visitors in this beautiful country, so we must respect each other and understand . We also learned about the importance of learning a language when wanting to going emotionally deep in a friendship. You can only go to a certain depth without knowing the language. Hondurans want to know that they are important enough for you to try to understand them through their language -- which is a HUGE way to show empathy. Getting to be a part of this experience was incredible and I am very grateful to have been able to receive such juicy information in order to help me better improve my ministry.

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• Inauguration of the Learning Center: On March 28th we had a wonderful, huge celebration with the entire community for the official opening of the Learning Center. Honestly, I could go on and on about this day. Inauguration ceremonies here are a BIG DEAL, so naturally there were about 180+ people here for it! We had a time of worship, sharing what this building means to us and what are hopes are for it, as well as a time to eat together. Students, teachers, mayors, pastors, parents, the rotary club, and all of the El Ayudante staff were invited. I had the privilege of getting to share (IN SPANISH! YAY!) how much this building means to me personally, as well as talk about everything that has been happening here since Day 1 -- the tutoring, the computer lab, the scholarship program, etc. It was a joy to get to tell the people of the community that will be using this place that they are worthy of a place like this -- they deserve an education. And now IT IS AVAILABLE. Praise God! Seeing these students grow to love this place, putting in extra hours for their homework, taking ownership of their education and future amazes me. I see HOPE in them and I am so glad we got to celebrate the Lord answering prayers at the Inauguration Ceremony all together. It was beyond sweet.

• Women's Conference with Damaris Carbaugh: You all. WHAT. A. JOY. This woman, Damaris Carbaugh came to El Ayudante for about a week to share her story with missionaries in Comayagua, the women of Lo de Reina, and the women who live up the mountain in La Brea. I cannot explain to you the wisdom that seeps out of this woman. Damaris is Puerto Rican, but has lived in New York for a good amount of her life, so she is bilingual. Let me tell you, this lady is multi-faceted! She can sing, speak (in two languages), write, and make you laugh like NO OTHER. Getting to hear her talk about how the Lord spoke to her and how He has changed her life brought me to tears. She is a humble, wonderful, wise woman of God and her words have a way of convicting you in a loving way. They urge you to leave behind your ways of resisting the Lord, but run fast into His promises. I am so thankful for her taking the time to love on the ladies of El Ayudante and encouraging us to read our bibles because it is food to nourish us.

• Baby Ella Ruth Marshall: On April 5th, my sweet niece was born! My sister was due April 1st and finally had Ella on April 5th. She was 7 pounds, 3 ounces, born at 11:07am. Everything in me hurt that I couldn't be there when she was born, but getting to Facetime my family when she was born was such a gift. This little one was prayed for HARD. I am so glad she is healthy and here! And I can't wait to MEET HER! On the left is one of my students' little girl named Ruth (which is my mom's middle name and helped filled the void of not being able to hold my sweet niece), and on the right is Ella Ruth, my niece, with my mom's middle name! :)

​Getting to be here for a longer amount of time is something I really am so grateful for. But sometimes I get scared. I am terrified that after all of this is said and done, the clarity I have been asking from the Lord will be not coming to Honduras anymore or never living here full-time. I have been so antsy to figure it out and know what's next, because if it were up to me, I would move here full-time tomorrow. But as the past two months have passed, the Lord has been revealing things and bringing some clarity and peace to my wondering.

All along, I have always thought I only had two options. Either to be a high school Spanish teacher in the States or to be an English teacher in Honduras. I know I love Honduras and I know I love teaching Spanish, but everyone here already knows the language, so there is not a need for a high school Spanish teacher. So, to me, I was going to have to make some sort of REALLY tough decision -- to either sacrifice the language I teach or the country I live. And that hurt. While tutoring English in the Learning Center, I have felt, a lot of times, insufficient. Simply put, I am not passionate about teaching English to Spanish speakers. It is a lot easier said than done. But I know I am the nerdy kind of passionate  about teaching Spanish. I love verb conjugations -- that's it. It's weird, but I thrive when I teach Spanish. So this left me in a spot of anxiety, wondering what the whole point of being an English tutor in Honduras was for. 

Well, one day, I was asked to help tutor another missionary here on campus in Spanish so he could get better at speaking. I jumped at the opportunity because I felt like the whole in my heart to teach what I love had been depleted. After tutoring once, I felt FILLED. There was an overwhelming joy that I felt, unlike anything I can explain. I saw an alternative to how God could use me here -- how I could live in Honduras AND teach Spanish. It would look different than how I expected, but I could possibly encourage and empower missionaries in deepening their relationships with Hondurans THROUGH teaching Spanish! It all clicked! It made sense that maybe the Lord wants me to be a Spanish teacher to missionaries one day. That doesn't mean I'd only be interacting with English-speaking missionaries. If I lived here, my time could be used in multiple ways. I could teach Spanish to missionaries, teach English to Spanish speakers, and serve as a translator for week-long teams here. Now, I'm not saying I have it all figured out, but that day I really feel like the Lord answered a prayer by revealing to me that my dreams of living in Honduras AND teaching Spanish CAN BE fulfilled. He fills my soul again and again with never-ending hope and He always keeps His promises.

As I reach this halfway point on my internship here, I see myself coming out of my shell, taking initiative, and adapting better, and fitting in. I am going deeper with students and families. I am challenging myself to have longer conversations with Spanish speakers rather than nervously saying "Buenos dias! Como esta?" in passing. A part of the Honduran culture is not being on a time constraint. Relationships are more important here, and that takes getting used to, but the more I practice this custom, the more I see my relationships grow, my language skill grow, and ministry grow. A part of me cannot believe I have already been here for 60 DAYS, but other parts of me feel like there's so much more I could do and 60 MORE DAYS is not enough. I am so thrilled to finally be underway with all things in the Learning Center. As time goes on, we find more a more efficient technique of doing things, so I'm glad to be a part of making it easier for the next tutors that come and help here.

This week is Semana Santa or Holy Week, so from today until Sunday is considered vacation. I am grateful that literally right at the halfway mark of my time here there is a time to pause and remember the sacrifice and victory of our Lord Jesus Christ. God knew I needed time to reflect, I think. He knows me well. As we unwind this week and spend time focusing on fellowship, I pray to be reminded of gravity of all Jesus did, but how triumphant Him conquering the grave is. It is because of that sacrifice I get to even be a part of ANY of this. Grace upon grace. Mercy upon mercy. What a good Lord we serve that sent His one and only Son so that we may be reconciled to Him. I want to remember that this week -- and always.

      

       

Lord, thank you. Thank you for making this all possible. Thank you for the people that have joined me in this, who have truly linked arms, had my back, picked me up when it felt impossible, encouraged me, prayed for me, supported me, and loved me through this -- those people have allowed me to validate my dreams which shoved me to pursue them. Without those people I wouldn't be here. I would be stuck in my head wondering what if and too afraid to go after something for thinking I am crazy and it is impossible. Lord, thank you for putting those people, who are so much more than just people, but dear, dear friends, in my life. Thank you that you implanted this dream and passion inside my heart. You knew what my life would look like since I was born. You knew the steps to win my heart and woo me with your love, but also how you would use a different language to allow me to experience you on a whole other level -- through relationships, meanings of words, culture, and seeing that you are the same God in every country in the world. Though we might celebrate your mercy and worship your sovereignty in different ways, you are the same. And you love us. Lord, thank you that I have the privilege to see this firsthand. Thank you for Honduras, for Comayagua, for Lo de Reina, for El Ayudante, for the Centro de Aprendizaje, for 4 years of history here, and for the people I get to work alongside. I couldn't have written a better story for my life, and I'm so glad I'm not the one writing it. You are. Thank you for being the Author. Amen.

PRAYER REQUESTS
That the Lord would continue to bring clarity to my future/purpose with Honduras
Continue to deepen relationships with students

For students to see/value/take ownership of their education

For 1 specific student who may be dropping out of school due to learning disabilities and health issues

For me to not be greedy or lazy with my time or procrastinate, but give all of my energy away

To show love and grace when I want to be self-justifying