i actually DID that || Honduras, Part 3

"I'm a free spirit who never had the balls to be free." -- Cheryl Strayed, Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail

Yes, this is the third post about my Honduras trip... 7 months late. My organization and time management skills may need some help -- so what?! That's beside the point. :)

The initial reason why I split up my posts about Honduras into 3 different ones was because there was a lot of crazy awesome stuff that happened in preparation for the trip, there was a lot of crazy awesome stuff that happened while I was there, AND there was a lot of crazy awesome stuff that I see now after looking back on the trip. Just wanted y'all to get the full effect, ya know? Ha!

Or maybe I just like to talk, but let's ignore that.

Looking back on this past summer, I am just put in absolute awe at how the Lord proved to me that He is in every single detail of our lives. He is all-consuming and I got a perfect example of that. Every part of the prepping, the doing, and the reflecting, HE IS THERE. He was there in the fundraising, in the hesitantly asking my dad, in the praying, in the nerves. He was there in finding my team at the airport in Atlanta, in building awesome relationships, in serving a community, in using my Spanish, in flying on an airplane by myself. He was there when I flew back to the United States and found out I wasn't going to be able to go to Summer Camp the very next day with the school I lead Young Life with, when I didn't get into Summer Staff, when I didn't have a job the week I got back from Honduras because I was supposed to be at camp, when I laid on my bed in Lexington all week unsure of my emotions and feeling useless because I spent a week living and doing things for a greater purpose. He is there when I think about how much I miss those little, brown faces of some of my favorite kids on the planet that are approximately 2, 835 long miles away. He is there when I get restless because all I want to do is something RIGHT NOW where I can combine my two passions: Jesus and Spanish. He is here, right now, and every other time that I look back and sift through how much the Lord provided for me in this trip and how many things He showed me.

God deepened a passion in my heart while in Honduras. I've known since the 2nd grade that I want to be a teacher. I've known since my Freshman year of high school that I want to be a high school Spanish teacher. I found out (and still am) the beginning my freshman year of college that to get there, it's going to take a whole lotta work. Before going to Honduras, I was feeling discouraged and like I wasn't good enough to teach a whole different language to high schoolers. Or that there was absolutely no way that I was cut out to be a teacher in general. But, in God's perfect timing (as always), after Honduras, I was fired up about Spanish and teaching it and using it for God's glory like never before. After three days into the trip, I thought to myself, "HEY, I can do this! I am able to  speak Spanish!" when all along I let the lies and the fear and the insecurities hold me back. Those are the most empowering and greatest victories, aren't they? When God finally shows you that you ARE enough and worthy, so you get to kick Satan in the butt -- Mmm, I love those moments!

The Lord not only showed me that I was completely competent to become a teacher of a subject I have been learning for 6 years now (wow...) and assured me that that is definitely what I want to become, but also, He showed me that Jesus' love knows NO boundaries. None. I got to see the rest of my team (who didn't know Spanish) interact with the same people I would interact with and still sharing the love of Christ and building relationships. It was the most beautiful thing. It didn't matter if they knew Spanish or not -- love is its own language. The fact that the Lord makes His love evident to us through everything -- even when we cannot communicate with one another -- is inevitable.

Like I said before, I ended up not getting to go to summer camp or do Summer Staff that summer. I flew back in to Atlanta from Honduras after a heart-wrenching day of many goodbyes to new life-long friends --you can imagine how much of a mess I was. I'm not the best with goodbyes. But I was still excited because less that 24 hours later, I would be getting on a greyhound bus off to spend a week with students from the high school I lead Young Life at! It was going to be crazy and hectic to unpack, wash clothes,then pack again, all in about 10 hours, but I could not wait!! Once I finally got service after landing in the U.S., my phone had one voicemail from our team leader saying that there weren't enough girls to sign up for camp, so I wasn't going to get to go. That was not exactly the first thing you want to hear after an emotional day/week. I was pretty upset, I'm not going to lie. There was nothing that could have changed it and it wasn't anyone's fault. I simply wanted to be with those Tate's Creek girls and deepen friendships and share God's love with them.

The same thing happened with summer staff. I saw many friends posting on social media about where they were going to be serving and when, yet there I was, bitter and sad and hurt because other people kept getting what I wanted and God wasn't making these big dreams happened like He had promised.

I didn't understand why God would put such big things on my heart at the beginning of the year (to go to Honduras, to go to summer camp, and to do summer staff), yet cause me to hurt so much because only one of those big plans actually happen. I had finally, for the first time ever, said yes to things that I had always wanted to do and allowed God to free me of my chains, then took them away. It was like God was teasing me. I didn't get it.

Until now.

I see now that the Lord was also in that. Coming back to Lexington after Honduras, I had nothing to do since I was planning to be at camp. No work (I had asked off), no school, no roommates (everyone was pretty much out of town), no money (because I didn't have work), and no summer camp. What I did have was a room to myself, a long week of doing nothing, and an empty heart that missed Honduras and was shattered by my dreams. That sounds cheesy, but really. But the Lord did something inside of me that week that I don't think could have happened had I not had the week to myself. I had a lot of alone time to think about my trip, the people there, my passions, and how the Lord transformed me. I also had a week to get a heart check slap in the face from God showing me that I didn't need to be at summer camp with Tates Creek for students to encounter the Lord. Only He did. As much as I selfishly wanted to be there, the Lord showed me that I am not God and I am not going to save those students by any means. God is the only one that can do that. I also got to pray over summer staff and be at peace with not getting in. As much as I wanted to serve at a Young Life camp for a whole month, God showed me that it was going to be okay.

That week of nothing was the best thing for me. I got to see that I don't need to do a billion things and plan all these adventures to experience the Lord and to be brave. Sometimes the bravest thing is actually getting the guts to say YES when your hands are trembling in fear, committing to it, and trying to make it happen. Yeah, sometimes the Lord pumps the breaks and changes your plans, but it is the best thing for you because He knows exactly what you need. It's scary. It's hard. It's upsetting. But when you see that the Lord gives and takes away for your good, it changes your view of God in this tiny box. For me, He gave me tons of opportunities to follow Him. I said yes to them. He took some of those opportunities away, but what I got is so much more beautiful. I got a deeper passion, a heart check, a new view of how Great and All-Consuming our God is. And I figured out what it means to be brave and how freeing that is when you trust God. 

If you've got dreams you want to follow or you want to make something happen, I cannot tell you this enough... DO IT. Trust that the Lord will provide and that He's got it taken care of. Tell your fears NO and go be the person you've always wanted to be -- a free one.

"I knew that if I allowed fear to overtake me, my journey was doomed. Fear, to a great extent, is born of a story we tell ourselves, and so I chose to tell myself a different story from the one women are told. I decided I was safe. I was strong. I was brave. Nothing could vanquish me." -- Cheryl Strayed, Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail